Routines and Habits...

Charlie Fineman:

I don't need to talk about her or look at pictures... 'cause the truth is, a lot of times, I see her... on the street. I walk down the street, I see her in someone else's face... clearer than any of the pictures you carry with you.

~Reign Over Me~

Reign Over Me is a very haunting movie released in 2007 dealing with extreme loss. I had never heard of this movie and now I cannot get it off my mind. Adam Sandler plays a character so out of his normal. This movie proves he is a true actor. The basis of this movie is that two old friends who fell out of touch are reunited by a chance meeting in post 9/11 new York City. When the Twin Towers went down on that fateful morning in 2001, Charlie Fineman (Sandler) lost everything important in his life. Five years have passed since Charlie's wife and daughters died, and now the once-successful and sociable man has become a withdrawn shadow of his former self. (BTW-he has 3 daughters all two years apart in the movie)

The visions I have in my mind are more vivid than any photo I could ever have. Her voice is fading from my memory some days and others it is so clear I swear I hear her in the house. I do see gals that look like her from time to time. I see a car that looks somewhat like her loved Toyota. Everywhere I go there are reminders of Heather every single day. Whether it be a song playing in a store or listening to a mom and her 3 daughters, I hear and see reminders all the time.

This time of year I am reminded of the long hours sitting in the hospital all day long. It is chilly and I always had at least a jacket on if not a blanket wrapped around me too. Depending on the stress level would depend on how cold I was. Leaving to run an errand or go home for a bit was always a rude awakening as I would walk outside and it would be hot. I stayed inside a constant temperature bowl for hours, days, weeks and months. For a year and 10 days I spent more than 88 days in the hospital. This is not counting all the time spent in the ATU getting blood and platelets. I lived in a non-real life for that 375 days.

Routine

1. a regular process or course of action

2. a regular, more or less unvarying procedure of daily life

Habit:

an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary

How long does it take for a habit or routine to form? The experts say between 21-28 days. I have always heard do anything for 7-10 days and it becomes a habit. I guess it depends on the person and what the habit or routine is. For the entire time heather was in ICU I had pretty much the same habit or routine every single day. Regardless of how long it takes to become a habit, it had become engrained into my way of life. It sounds funny, but I can’t help but think about those days and the routines I had. I had one routine for chemo round A and a different one for chemo round B and then a third one for ICU. Regardless of how different they were, they were all the same and involved many aspects of the same things every day.

April's schedule-routine

May's schedule-routine

All this in ONE day

Four years of missing someone makes it become a routine or a habit. There is no cell phone, texting or facetime package that reaches to heaven. There are no visiting hours and she can’t come home for a long vacation. I can’t send her a care package she has everything she needs. I believe the last four years have only been a second in time for Heather in heaven. It just feels like an eternity to me being here on earth.

The past two weeks I have been having trouble sleeping; I am waking up at 3:00-3:30am and not going back to sleep till 6am or so. This is with taking my sleeping pill. I cannot put my finger on anything, just awake. During the day I have no desire to do much or go anywhere. All I want to do is eat cookies, cake with heavy frosting or cheesecake. I want to eat pizza, pasta and breadsticks. I could easily slip into a bad habit of eating junk for no reason. Not sleeping and eating is not a routine or habit I want to get into or continue for any period of time.

I am hitting the gym pretty hard the past month. I have been walking hard on the treadmill, working Bob’s 15 minutes abs and slowly adding weight lifting back in. It helps keep me focused on the fact that I worked way too hard to get to where I am now to slide back into the old ways. Besides I would really mess up my surgery if I gained a bunch of weight. This is a great routine or habit that has managed to get me healthy and lose all my weight. I need to keep this one for the rest of my life.

Speaking of recovery from surgery, it has been 12 weeks today and I am finally feeling like my new old self. Adjusting to a new chest has been hard. I still have to not really think about the implants or I freak out just a bit. The stitches should begin dissolving between 4-6 months after surgery so I should start feeling some loosing up soon I hope. This has been much more involved with the recovery that I expected. My back has been hurting very badly and I have been going to chiropractor. I recently figured out it was the binding sports bras with the wide band that goes own my ribcage. Since I have changed those I am feeling much better. This is becoming a new routine or habit of taking care of my new chest. It has been interesting, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am very pleased.

Ginger Kid has become such a character. She is great company during the day for me. She has begun a little thing called lets snuggle at 5:30 in the morning. This is where she crawls onto my shoulder and purrs-LOUDLY for at least an hour. Her favorite place to sleep now is on my shoulders. This is really different since I have never had a cat do this. But Ginger has become a part of the family and I really enjoy her and love her. Her new routine of habit is not allowing me much sleep. She also is very warm and makes my arm fall asleep.

Many sides of "Gingie"

I still visit the cemetery just about every day. It is hard to believe it has been a year since I found her spot and we buried Heather. As I drove to the cemetery on Monday, there was a huge graveside service going on. I had to park on a different “street” and walk across the area to get to Heather’s spot. As I stood there I thought to myself, despite arguments and fights most people won’t miss a funeral. You can, not talk to a family member for years and they will come home to bury the dead. I thought back to Heather’s funeral and I was glad that we did not have a gravesite service for her that same day. I was not ready for that at the time. I stood there in the silence listening to the birds and wind chimes. This had become my new routine, the only routine that involves Heather anymore.

Heather's spot-we have come a long way

How sad to say that hospitals at one time were my habit and routine. Not any better to say visiting the cemetery is now my routine. Not a routine any mother should get used to.  

A quote from the movie “42”; 

“Sleep and roses are overrated…

You can sleep when you are in your casket and the roses look good on top of it.”