Monday, February 11, 2013

There Is Love...

"The Wedding Song (There Is Love)"
is a song written by Noel Paul Stookey in the fall of 1969 and first performed at the wedding of Peter Yarrow - Stookey's co-member of Peter, Paul and Mary - to Mary Beth McCarthy at St Mary's Catholic Church in Willmar MN: Stookey was best man at the ceremony. Stookey had written the song on a midnight flight between Peter, Paul and Mary concert dates in San Jose and Boston setting out to write a song for Yarrow's wedding which would convey Stookey's Christian convictions while respecting Yarrow's Jewish faith. According to Stookey "the melody and the words [of 'The Wedding Song'] arrived simultaneously and in response to a direct prayer asking God how the divine could be present at Peter’s wedding." Believing he could not take personal credit for composing "The Wedding Song", Stookey set up the Public Domain Foundation which since 1971 has received the song's songwriting royalties for charitable distribution
He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubadour is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.

Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.

Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.

Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Lil Bit of This and That...

January 26, 2009----
Saturday we hit it back to the gym. We have gone 3 straight days now. Bill, Heather and I are quite the sight on the treadmills together. We laugh and run like Jim Carrey..we have fun. Then it is off to the whirlpool for some hot relaxing water. It has been a good time to de-stress for me. I am about 20 pounds from my goal weight. Last year added back a few pounds...wonder why????

This weekend and next week are very full and busy. We kick off Saturday with Violet's Baby Shower (at my house)..followed by a Super Bowl Party for Jenn's singles at church (at my house). GO CARDINALS!! Imagine the planning and food scheme that goes into having 2 parties back to back.. :) Monday will be a blood draw, Tuesday will be the dreaded IV chemo and steroids for 5 days and then finally Wednesday will begin the weekly appointments to see when Violet will be arriving.

Many things have fallen from my to do list...birthdays, anniversaries and specials days I have forgotten to call or send a card. I am deeply sorry for everyone I have forgotten the past few months. I may seem like my head is above water but most of the time I feel like I am treading water, trying to stay afloat. Getting 'back" into life is exhausting. I really do appreciate all our family and friends that have supported us. My lack of communication is being blamed ...on..." life sort of throw up all over me."

Amazing how different but yet the same life was just 4 short years ago; planning parties and hitting the gym. Two weekends ago I had a baby shower for a very dear special couple. They actually had the baby right after my surgery, a beautiful baby girl Aria Nicole. It was quite an honor for me to be able to give this shower. I love planning parties and maybe should do it as a living but then I wouldn’t like it anymore. I love this couple and was quite thrilled at the idea of being able to give her a baby shower.
The Super Bowl is this weekend and I have no plans. We are celebrated Snookie’s 4th birthday this Saturday because of Jenn and Paz’s wedding next weekend. It is very difficult for me to believe that Snookie is 4 years old. It seems like yesterday that she was born and a tiny baby. I love Snookie more than my own life and would do anything for her. I love spending time with her. Just this last week I went by to see her before she went to her dad’s house. She was laying on me gently and playing with my hair. She is always telling me “I Love you Mimi” and I tell her “I love her more”, then she will say “I love you to the moon Mimi”. When I go to leave she tells me she will miss me. I love my little snookie so much. She is my whole world.
We take Snookie for Mimi/Papa date night each Monday night. The last Monday we had her we went to Panda Express for dinner (her choice). Papa took a photo of her. Here is their conversation:
Snookie: Who you sending my picture too Papa?
Papa: I am sending it to Mimi
Snookie: But she sees me all the time you should send it to someone who doesn’t see me all the time.
Snookie thinking: How about to Aunt Missy, it has been a long time since she saw me.
Snookie was 39 days old when Heather went into the hospital and she never saw her again. Try to explain to a child how someone who has photos with her is gone and Snookie won’t see Aunt Missy till she gets to heaven. There is no way for a child to understand that but even though Aunt Missy was only here for a short amount of Violet’s life, I really think that Violet knows her Aunt Missy.

This year we did not have a Super Bowl party, nor did we attend one. We spent the day shopping for me something to wear for the wedding next weekend which is difficult since it will be so cold and be an outside wedding. We also spent some time with two princesses; Snookie and Aria. Baby Aria is a week old and she reminds me so much of Violet. I have to say that not many babies are as beautiful as Snookie, but Aria is just as beautiful. She is so perfect and I had the best time holding and snuggling this precious little girl. Yes I can hold her as she is under the 10 pound weight limit. And believe me it takes no effort at all to hold a sleeping beauty!!  We came home into the 3rd quarter and I feel like we are seeing the whole game in the last few minutes anyway.
Aria Nicole Hamill
I did very well with my surgery. I was completely drugged beyond words the day of the surgery. First the anesthesiologist gave me a little something to take the edge off and I don’t remember a thing from that. And then the recovery room nurses gave me phenagren when I didn’t ask for it and gave me a dose for a larger woman. I was supposed to be in recovery for 90 minutes and I was there for 2.5 hours and was still not awake when they put me in the truck to go home. All the meds I had to take around the clock kept me very sleepy for the first two days. The part that hurt the worst was my back from being bound so tightly to prevent bleeding. My 2 post op appointments have gone very well and I have one more this week. For right now I see the doctor every week. The most difficult issue for me is sleeping on my back only. I am a side sleeper and cannot do that right now nor for another 2 weeks. My back hurts from this and the tight sports bra I have to wear for added support right now. I am getting my strength back and plan to go back to the gym this coming Monday-tomorrow to walk on the treadmill at a very low speed and incline. It feels good to walk. But then walking makes my back hurt and then I have to sit down. I love my decision to have this surgery and have no regrets. Well, I have one regret. I was hoping that either as I was going under or as I was coming out that I might have a visit from Heather. I felt her with me every second, and I felt very calm and I had no issue with the IV at all. I know that was her keeping watch over me. I have a new understanding for just how bad Heather must have felt and how drugged up she was. I hate feeling this way and could not imagine feeling like this for 6 months.
surgery and sleeping
I did manage to go out to the cemetery on Thursday and change the winter stuff to Valentine’s Day stuff. It was a lot of work for me to do as I am not up to full strength, but it felt good to get this done. There was not much stuff out for Valentine’s Day, but I did manage to find heart flowers with rhinestones for the centers. It would be such a Heather thing to find. March will be decorated for Easter as Easter is the 31st. This is very important to make sure I have the date of Easter right since it can be March or April.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Dear Clueless...

Dear Clueless
I would like to share with you my pain but that isn't possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn't want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
I would love to hear the words Momy I am home!!!
When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don't want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter. 
Do not ever say any of these...these do not help or console at all...
If you don't know what to say, say nothing or just say I'm sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name ANYTIME!! You not saying her name didn't make me forget it, or what happened to her. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I'm not myself. I just can't keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I'm having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one. 
This will happen for the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don't put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.

Love, Your Friend in Grief
Thank you to my dear friends who have supported me...
I never take for granted the true friends and support that I have...