“I’ll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There’s no reason for it, I guess. Death’s just death – nobody understands it.”
~My Sister’s Keeper~
“People often give us the impression that we should try to "move on" and not bring up such memories. Yet, we don't want to give up any of the memories as they are all part of what
I don't want to forget those memories, no matter how painful. I cannot erase them from my mind's eye, and I don't want to. I don't get any new memories of my sweet girl
We are passed two years without our girl, but she lives in our lives every day. She is spoken of every day in our house. Others are often uncomfortable when we speak about her, and we really don't care anymore how it makes others feel. The momentary discomfort doesn't come close to the daily pain we feel, and if talking about her makes us feel better; we are going to do it. The discomfort others feel is like falling off a bike and skinning a knee. We feel amputated; a part has been taken from us to never be returned. If we feel better by talking about life before the loss, or even the pain after, we will do it,
and in the process probably make our circle even smaller.”
~Elizabeth’s Mommy~ Caring Bridge 8/5/12~
“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.”
~My Sister’s Keeper~
At almost this exact moment 2 years ago, I felt my baby's last heartbeat. My heart ached with the thought of living without him for the rest of my life, but I knew he was finally at peace and in perfect glory! In that moment, I lost a part of myself, and I will never have that back. I am an amputee, and though my wounds may seem healed, I will never be the same. I can live my life, and even live it well, but I will never be completely whole. Yet I am still so grateful that I got to be Gabe's mom, and that I got to know the amazing little boy he was,
and I wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING!
~Gabriel’s Mommy~Caring Bridge 8/11/12~
It is amazing to me that two other mother’s that I follow on CaringBridge have described the feeling of losing their child nearly the same. To the best of my knowledge they have never met and do not know each other. But I feel that all grieving mothers feel the same way.
“Seeing her there unresponsive makes me realize that silence has a sound. “
~My Sister’s Keeper~
Moving on is the most difficult part. It is the hanging on and letting go all at the same time being stretched in two directions at the same time. Moving on can be as simple as going back to a restaurant that Heather loved or it can be as big as moving or remodeling the house. Moving on is part of the changing part of the grieving process. To stay the same is the not improve. So as difficult as the moving on and changing is…it is all part of recovery. Mind you that recovery for me will never be complete this side of heaven. I will never be whole again. I will never stop grieving. EVER!!!
Our life the past few weeks has been full on moving on changes. Beginning with Jenn finding a guy she is very serious about to my and Bill’s vacation to Alaska to tearing out the tile to lay laminate in our downstairs and ending with Wendy and Sunnie’s wedding in early October.. It appears to be a season of change for our family right now.
Jenn has reconnected with a friend she met 4 years ago-Paz(pronounced paws-dog paws). Interesting thing is that Paz and his sister Luz both knew Heather. Things appear to be very serious with these two and we need to wait to see what big things maybe planned soon. Paz recently moved back to the Phoenix area but has had a health issue come up. He is back on his feet and has found a job and will be moving forward. For a short amount of time Paz will be staying with us just till he can get back into the full swing of things again. This has been a growing experience as I am not used to having anyone in the house and having a schedule. Funny how fast you get used to be empty nesters.
Bill and I took our first ever cruise with our dear friends Derek and Lara for our anniversary. It was a Disney cruise to Alaska on the ship The Wonder. The Wonder is based on Ariel The Little Mermaid. It was an amazing experience and I highly recommend Alaska to anyone. It is beyond words as to how beautiful it is. We visited Skagway, Juneau and Ketchikan and went by ship, train, boat, tram and floatplane to see the sites. Yes, for all those wondering I wore my tiara every night for dinner and was treated like a princess. I even got called princess by several of the staff members. I have actually already booked our next Disney cruise for next September for our 30th anniversary. This one will be going to the Caribbean and Disney’s private island on the ship The Fantasy. This ship is based on a 1930’s flapper Minnie Mouse. We are leaving from Florida and will return to spend a few days at Disney World since we are out that direction.
“I have never understood why it is called losing a child.
No parent is that careless.
We all know exactly where our sons and daughters are;
we just don't necessarily want them to be there.”
~My Sister’s Keeper~
Changing the house is always different in many different ways. I was thinking back to the fact that I began remodeling in December with the kitchen and wow have we come a long way in a year. The kitchen, painting the hall bathroom, new floor in our master bathroom, laminate down the hall and stairs and finally removing the tile and having laminate put in. If you know anything about tile, it is very difficult to remove and beyond messy. The amount of dust and dirt that gets all over your house is just incredible. After I realized that I would in no way be able to remove the tile and thinset we began looking for alternative ways to have this done. Online we found a guy who has a revolutionary new way to remove tile-VITURALLY DIRT AND DUST FREE!!! Yes you heard me right. He has hepa vacuums on all his equipment and is going for a patent for his incredible system.
Yesterday, Tuesday September 25 was tile removal day. It took 3 guys a little over 4 hours to remove nearly 500 sq ft of tile and thinset. There is not a speck of dirt or dust anywhere in my house. I sat in my family room the whole time and didn’t sneeze nor was I covered in dust. It is the best way I know of to have your tile removed quickly and literally mess free. Our neighbors told me they are still getting dust after nearly 3 months after they took their tile out.. If you have ever been to my house you know that I have knick knacks EVERYWHERE!!! Not to mention the paintings and the grand piano. I am very happy with our choice to have tile removed the clean way. Laminate is being installed as I write this. Take about 3 days. I will be glad to have my fridge back in the kitchen and not in the living room. It is beyond weird to go to the living room for water or something to eat.
Wendy and Sunnie officially got hitched in June, but wanted to have a wedding. So family and friends will join on 10/11/12 to celebrate their wedding. It will is a Halloween themed wedding which is appropriate since it is October. They have some really cute ideas and things they are doing. It will be such fun to see how it all comes together.
During the middle of all this going on Bill took a trip to Dallas second week of Sept and then has been in Long Island NY this week for business. Because of his travels this meant the appliances and toilet downstairs had to be removed on Saturday even though tile was not removed till Tuesday. I was glad that everyone found different places to stay since the house is being torn up for so long. Hopefully by the weekend things will be returning to normal…or whatever our lives are now.
While all these things sound fun, exciting, stressful and different it drives home the point that life if moving on. Not that it is bad to do that, change under the best circumstances is difficult but to know that Heather will never see all the changes it hard to fathom. The house and neighborhood are still the same but Heather is gone. Of course coming into the fall is always different as well. It really doesn’t matter how much time has gone by, when dates come along I go right back to things like it was 5 minutes ago. I think the traumatic events will stay with me forever. I can’t help it, I don’t like them but they come flooding back in no matter what I do. Then when they do I need to talk about them. Not many people like to listen to my stories and horrors anymore. They have heard them and it is repeating. But for me it is my life, my past and I cannot change it.
“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass - if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it's okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.”
~My Sister’s Keeper~