Thursday, February 27, 2014

Confessions of a Grieving Mother...

I am proud to announce the cover for the new book Confessions of a Grieving Mother is officially finished. It was exactly what I envisioned when I began this process. It is amazing to me that I allowed the cover designers to dream up the best cover and both times they came up with nearly the exact same cover we used as a mock up. I think the bright blue is amazing and will be eye catching.
This photo was taken at Huntington Beach April 20th, 2013.
The manuscript has also finally passed the legal portion of this journey. This has been a huge 2 week delay and unneeded stress for me. They had an issue with Chapter 30-A Victim of Vulnerability. In this chapter I describe in vivid detail the sexual stalking abuse I suffered at the hands of my birth father, Harry. They did not like me using his name or the relationship that we had. I worked and worked to rewrite this to their satisfaction. I had a few different options
1.      I could use a pen name and change every name in the book
2.      I could take out this part all together
3.      I could change the relationship

I felt it was very important to keep the abuse in the book. It is a way to show that when you are hurting and at your lowest point there are some scummy people that will prey on you and try to victimize you even more.  I refused to change the names so in the end all the details are there but this man has been changed to be a “friend” of the family.  Unless you know the story you would never guess who this is. There are details in the chapter that have not been revealed. So far the few I have allowed to read this feel this needed to be in the book and are disgusted by the actions of my birth father. If the book becomes a success then all bets are off as to if I will cover up his “sins” any longer.

The manuscript is currently in copy editing and this process could take 1-3 weeks to be completed. This is checking for spelling, punctuation and subject content. After I receive their edited copy and all final changes are made then the book production will begin. During this time we are working on the 151 photos that will be accompanying this book. My goal is still to have an April release date.  

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Angel's Lullaby...

When a little girl becomes 5-years-old, 
the world stops to admire and stare. 
Every wonderful and special 5-year-old girl knows 
the cutest and coolest clothes to wear! 
Happy Birthday, Beautiful!!
Snookie and Momma February, 2009.
Five years ago a beautiful little baby girl was born. She was three weeks early and as tiny as she could be tipping the scale at 5 pounds, 7 ounces. Not every Mimi gets the privilege of bringing their first grandbaby home to live with them. This tiny little baby was to have a huge role in our family as she was our saving hope and joy to survive Heather’s death just a short 2 months and 10 days later. Violet Rayne, my precious Snookie, had an incredible task placed on her as she helped each member of our family heal. She did nothing but sleep, grow and become the biggest joy of my life.
Happy 1st Birthday, 2010.
 Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace
Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face
One sweet angel sleeping in my arms
You are the promise I knew God would keep
You are the gift that makes my world complete
Happy 5th Birthday Snookie, 2014.
A joy beyond words
And you'll never know how much I love you
But I'll keep on telling you my whole life through
Now I believe in miracles, and you're the reason why
So dream on while I sing you my angel's lullaby…

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Super Bowl...

Who won the Super Bowl in 1988? I know that the Denver Broncos played in that game because we were living in Colorado Springs and were at a friend’s house for a party. Heather was just barely a month old. I did not remember what team they played I just remember that they lost of course. The Broncos lost to the Giants 20 to 39.

Who won the Super Bowl in 2009? I know that the Arizona Cardinals played with Kurt Warner as the quarterback. It was a very busy weekend at our house as Wendy’s baby shower was Saturday and then we hosted a huge Super Bowl party on Sunday afternoon. Again, I honestly do not remember what team the Cardinals played I just remember that they lost. The Cardinals lost to the Steelers 23 to 27 in the last few minutes of the game.

As this year’s Super Bowl came along I really did not care if I watched it or if I didn’t. I had a reason for both teams to win, Denver so that Manning could show the Colts they made a huge mistake by trading him, but then Seattle has never won a Super Bowl so that would be nice for them to win. I could watch the game or I could go to a movie just as well I really had no big affection to watch the game. But as today, Super Bowl Sunday, went on Wendy, Sunnie and Snookie wanted to hang out and watch the game. That was just fine with me. Now what to do for dinner, of course there has to be food.

I had mentioned one idea for food but that did not really sound good to me so I went with traditional football food, homemade chili. As I got my big stew pot out and began to brown the ground beef I was transported back to the sounds and smells of another Super Bowl when life was good. I made chili with cornbread for the big Super Bowl party we had here in 2009. It was the single’s group that Jenn and Heather were a part of and we ended up with about 35 people here. The snacks were gone and chili had been served up and the game was in full swing. People were everywhere but my kitchen duties were finished. It was the 4th quarter and as I scanned the room to find Heather to make sure she was okay, I noticed she was nowhere to be found. I went upstairs and found her and Wendy in our room watching the game away from everyone downstairs.

The game was over, Cardinals lost, time moved forward and life as I knew it changed forever. What was interesting was that two different friends of mine that had been at the shower noticed that Heather looked sad with a distant longing in her expression. Like she knew her time was very short. I was not told this at the time. As I have looked back at photos the friends were right, there was a distance and sadness in her eyes.

Something as simple as a Super Bowl can bring back a flood of memories to me. The 1990 Super Bowl was just two weeks after the death of my Daddy, Jim. The Denver Broncos were again in the game and we had a few friends over to the house for a small party. I was pregnant with Wendy and was not feeling terrific. As the party broke up so everyone could go to Sunday evening church service I decided to stay home. I began to wonder then who would win the game and then thought to myself that my Daddy already knew who won or lost the game. I did not even remember that the Broncos played in this game and once again the Broncos lost to the 49ers 10 to 55.

There are so many people that get really upset and nasty over the Super Bowl. It is said to be one of the highest domestic violence days of the year. To me, honestly, it is a game and no one will remember who won or who lost in 2 years. It really is not something to get upset over. Our family likes the Denver Broncos, sorry but we were in Colorado Springs for 7 years, it was kind of a requirement to live in the state. Heather bought Bill a Bronco sweat jacket for Christmas her last year. Bill wears it all the time to feel close to Heather. Because of the events of the game today, Bill may have to put his jacket aside for a few weeks just not to be harassed. Not that he minds, but this is something special to him as the last gift from his daughter.

Jenn and Heather as babies would wear Denver Bronco tshirts. After church I would take their dresses off and leave their tights on. The ones with the ruffles on the butt. We would have lunch, watch the first quarter and then it was naptime. I have many fun memories of the girls wearing their Broncos shirts. So while the country is tearing apart the Broncos for playing so badly, to me the memories go much deeper than just one game. It is a family tradition that means a lot to us. Heather loved her Broncos for better or for worse. After all isn’t that what a true fan does? Loves and supports their team no matter win or loss?