The excitement is there, so are the nerves but mostly the idea of moving forward without her here. Every step that I take is one step further away from Heather. Some days she seems so clear in my mind I can see her and hear her as if she just left the room. Other days it is a distant memory that is foggy and hard to see. For a grieving mother simply getting out of bed and getting dressed every day is a huge accomplishment. Anything else that gets finished is extra. So to go back to school fulltime is quite a JUMP!
|All Heather's pens and pencils..mostly pink and cute|
|Who but Heather would have pink heart shaped paper clips|
For the past couple of weeks I have had a hard time sleeping. I am sure it was all the anticipation of school coming up. Can I really go to school? Am I crazy for doing this? Can I learn all the math? Can I do online classes? Can I juggle home and school? These are the normal questions that I have, but then the different questions enter into my mind. What would Heather say about me going back to school? Would she take me shopping? Would she make me buy pink and fun stuff for school? Would she take a picture of me on my first day?
|A bobbie pin holds her place in the planner-just as it was left|
|Heather's cute notebooks|
As I looked at Staples and Office max for supplies that I probably don’t need I was taken back to memories of school shopping not too long ago. Heather was excited to be going to PIMA for medical coding and billing. She bought all her supplies and everything was pink or high fashion looking. She had her day planner all filled in. She hit the classes hard and planned to make straight A’s. As I looked through the supplies all I could think about was Heather. The excitement is there, so are the nerves but mostly the idea of moving forward without her here. Every step that I take is one step further away from Heather.
|Notes from Heather's classes|
Heather only got to enjoy about 2 ½ weeks of her school before she just did not feel good enough to attend. But she had managed to do a presentation about the blood/brain barrier. It is terrible that one so young had so much real life knowledge of medical procedures. Her calendar should never have included blood draw and visit to Dr. Fastenberg. It should have been coffee with friends, movies and shopping. Not tests and doctor visits.
|Heather's last schedule she filled in-notice the appointments|
As I began my online classes this past weekend my mind was flooded with nothing but Heather. Heading to my 1st class on Tuesday I was filled with memories of Heather. As I entered my math class I could feel her presence walking beside me. Thinking the entire time of how she would love my teacher. Heather would be excited to hear about how my class had gone. The excitement is there, so are the nerves but mostly the idea of moving forward without her here. Every step that I take is one step further away from Heather.
|Heather's blood/brain barrier presentation 21 out of 20|
|Comments from a teacher|
To most all the freshman who began college this week, it was just something they have to do. Most of them have no idea what they want to study. Some of them are there because their parents told them they had to be in school. As I pass the young people on campus I cannot help but think of a 21 year old who had so much life and a goal in sight. So it is no wonder that being on the campus where Heather attended classes has me stirred with all these memories and thoughts. I am excited and yet I am sad. I have such a burning desire to excel beyond anyone’s expectations. I have a different motivation than most. But as I begin this journey the excitement is there, so are the nerves but mostly the idea of moving forward without her here. Every step that I take is one step further away from Heather.