Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Beloved Sister...

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(Anywhere I go you go, my dear;
And whatever is done by only me is your doing,
My darling)

Anyone who knows me, knows that there needs to be lots of meaning and value with anything I do or buy. Of course my new Thomas Kinkade painting is no different. Last post I discussed about the 50th Anniversary trip to Disneyland and what the painting means to me. I would like to share with you what I have found out about the very unique remarque on the back.

Thomas Kinkade and his younger brother Patrick have an extremely close relationship. Like Thom, Pat is also a painter and he is considered the next best thing to Thomas Kinkade himself. Pat Kinkade traveled to many different galleries during his event know as The Heritage Tours. Pat is a Master Highlighter and adds real paint to selected Thomas Kinkade paintings. When Pat is finished he signs the painting on the front, then adds 2 very personal remarques to the back in pencil and signs the back as well.
Thomas and Patrick Kinkade-the brothers
 The 1st  remarque Patrick draws is the Lamp-This is the lamp of knowledge. The 1850 scholars used oil lamps to study by. It is also used as a symbol for university academics. With Pat being a university man himself this has great personal meaning to him. It is also a Gideon's Lamp used for spirituality. The lamp represents Thom, Pat and spirituality all in one remarque. Pat then draws to lines and places the year this was done and adds his personal signature.

The 2nd remarque is a Ichthus. This was used by early Christians to identify themselves. The Koine uses the first 2 letters of the Greek name of Christ. The point in the second letter represents man. The loop or circle is the universe. So the 3 elements of this symbol is Christ man and the universe. Pat changed this to look more like his initials P.K. He jokes that he is now the center of his universe.
Remarque on the back of my painting
What all this means is that Pat Kinkade did the Master Highlighting-putting real paint-on my new painting himself. This is nearly as good as having Thomas, himself, do the highlighting. This is only done at Heritage Tour events that Pat goes on himself around the country. Usually Pat does about 8-10 of these tours a year. The highlighting and then the remarque on the back adds about $600 to the value of the painting. I have paperwork to prove this is done by Pat Kinkade. 
The 3 girls-1992
This is really special to me in the fact that Heather was an awesome sister. She was the peanut butter that held the bread-Jenn and Wendy-together. The fact that Thomas and his brother are so close is really special to me. The fact is that Jenn and Heather were very close. They spent a lot of time together the last year of Heather's life. Jenn spend lots of time in the hospital with her as well. Wendy and Heather were close. They spent nearly every night in each others room since we moved to this house. Heather was the one that went all out for Christmas and birthdays and all the other holidays as well. I know her sisters miss her greatly and will as long as they live.
The 3 girls-2006
I could not ask for a more special painting. All the little things that someone else would be like no big deal is a huge blessing to me. I feel like this was a little "I love you momy" from Heather. I feel like I found the one painting that I was suppose to have. I wasn't suppose to buy it at Disneyland in 2006. I needed to wait till now for this painting. I also have it on very good authority that the next Disney painting will be Sleeping Beauty. This will be my next new painting for sure. When you need some art in your life, please feel free to come by the Coombe Gallery...by appointment only....

Monday, May 30, 2011

It All Started With A Mouse...

"To all who come to this happy place: Welcome. 
Disneyland is your land. 
Here age relives fond memories of the past, 
And here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. 
Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals,
The dreams, and the hard facts that have created America,
With the hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration 
To all the world."

The "Happiest Homecoming on Earth" was an eighteen-month-long celebration (held through 2005 and 2006) of the 50th anniversary of the Disneyland theme park, which opened on July 18, 1955. The Happiest Celebration on Earth commemorated fifty years of Disney theme parks, and celebrated Disneyland's milestone throughout Disney parks all over the globe. In 2004, the park undertook a number of major renovation projects in preparation for its fiftieth anniversary celebration.

Many classic attractions were restored, notably Space Mountain, Jungle Cruise, the Haunted Manson, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Walt Disney's Enchanted Tiki Room. Attractions that had been in the park on opening day in 1955 had one ride vehicle painted gold, and the park was decorated with 50 Golden Mickey Ears. The 50th Anniversary celebration started on May 5, 2005 and ended on September 30, 2006.

In March, 2006 our family began the annual Spring Break Disneyland Family Vacation. Our friends Rose and Steven went every year during this time. Rose introduced us to the Best Western Park Place Inn and Suites, directly across from the entrance to Disneyland. Everything was golden in the park, from the Mickey ears to the castle. It was something amazing to see all the decorations they had placed around the park for this most special anniversary. I purchased many treasures during this trip. What I wanted the most was a Thomas Kinkade painting of the Castle decorated for the 50th Anniversary. I was able to get a paper copy in a frame of this most beautiful painting. But I have treasured my small piece of the 50th celebration to this day.

Jenn, Sherry, Steven, Wendy, Heather, Rose and Bill-2006

Paper framed copy of the 50th anniversary painting

During this trip Heather wanted to get photos will all the princesses. She made friends with Bob the princess scheduler.We waited and hunted for Cinderella, Belle and Aurora. At the time it seemed very irritating to us who had to wait. We could not ride the rides or leave the area. Bill was her official photographer. Heather also found the center point of Disneyland and bought her first princess tiara from the Bibbity Boppity Boo Boutique. She also bought a gold pair of Minnie Mouse ears. Looking back I didn't mind waiting and I love all the photos we have of Heather with the princesses. I wish I could do it again.

Golden Mickey Ears

Heather's Golden Minnie Mouse ears

In 2004, Thomas Kinkade was selected by Disney to commemorate Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. For his inspiration, Kinkade traveled to Disneyland to capture Disneyland's most recognized symbol, Sleeping Beauty Castle. He spent 10 hours at the park drawing sketches and painting a Plien Air study of the Castle. He then returned to his studio and used those sketches and drafts to create an immense painting that commemorates the Castle on Disneyland's 50th anniversary.
The painting memorializes Sleeping Beauty Castle at dusk in all of its full anniversary regalia, and depicts excitement and nostalgia of family trips to Disneyland.
Thousands of people came on Saturday, September 10, 2005 to The Disney Gallery in New Orleans Square at Disneyland to see Thomas Kinkade's newest release, "Disneyland 50th Anniversary." The original was on display at The Disney Gallery in New Orleans Square in Disneyland during the event.
Kinkade incorporated 12 hidden "N"s in honor of Nanette Kinkade, Tom's wife.
There are 50 hidden Mickeys in the painting.
Close up detail features Tom and his 4 daughter's at the bottom right of the painting.

The top of the Castle-2006

Lamplight all decorated as well-2006

I remember at the time so longing to have the actual Thomas Kinkade painting of this breath taking event in history. Heather and I posed several times in front of the castle decorated for the 50th. Sleeping Beauty Castle is a stunning site to behold on any normal day. But add all the gold, crystal, flags and draping and it becomes breath takingly beautiful.

Jenn, Heather & Wendy-1st trip-1996

Jenn, Heather and Wendy-3rd trip-2006

On many of our trips to Disneyland, Heather stated that she would love to live in Sleeping Beauty Castle. She related to Aurora due to the long blond hair and the pink dress. Heather's desire was to be married at Disneyland. She wanted the Disney Princess Fairy Tale Wedding. She looked and dreamed at the website many times. I know some day she would have made this dream come true.

Momy and Heather in front of the Castle

Sherry, Wendy, Bill, Heather and Jenn-at 1:20am-2006

Friday night I spent a good deal of the evening at the Thomas Kinkade Gallery. We had some good friends here that were purchasing the Pinocchio painting. It was a limited edition with a pencil remarque done by the artist on the back of the canvas. I came home and began doing research on the different limited edition Thomas Kinkade paintings. I remembered seeing a large Disneyland 50th Anniversary painting in the gallery. Today I went to look at it. It is an Artist Proof-A/P number 357 out of 390. It has a pencil remarque from the artist on the back along with his signature. It has a date that is unusual and another signature and the initials PK. The gallery manager is trying to see what this remarque means. I will also be getting this painting Master Highlighted in November. This will add more value to this already valuable painting to me. The release date-September 10, 2005-was Bill and my's 22nd wedding anniversary. The date of 2007 is the last year our family was whole before cancer entered our world in 2008.
Pencil remarque-Aladdin genie lamp

Disneyland's 50th Anniversary

This painting will be a true joy to add to my home. I will look at this and the memories will flood back to the happy times we spent at Disneyland. I am so thankful to my loving husband for seeing how much this means to my heart. He is very understanding to all my purchases. In a strange way when I see this painting I see Heather. This is her place and she loved it dearly.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

And At Last I See the Light.....

And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you...

Since the first time I saw Tangled I knew I wanted Thomas Kinkade to make a painting of this movie. I had hoped that the painting would come out in April to co-inside with the 2 year anniversary of Heather's death and the release of the DVD. That did not happen. I am hearing word now that it may be a long, long time before this painting is released, if ever. I am not very happy about this thought. This movie is probably my favorite movie. I love everything about it. 
A sneak look at the newest addition to my art collection
With that being said, I spent this evening at the Thomas Kinkade Gallery at Superstition Mall. I was there with a friend who purchased a very rare Disney Kinkade painting.  While I was there I was asking lots of questions about the next Disney painting from Thomas Kinkade. He is painting all the past Disney Princesses. Not sure what the next one will be but should be coming out soon. I hope and pray it is Sleeping Beauty. Anyway, I asked if they knew anything about Tangled...the dealer looked on the Disney Artists site and found me a Tangled Giclee painting. This is a limited edition of 50 and painted by Rodel Gonzalez. It comes unframed. I purchased the Kinkade Gallery frame to be professionally framed at the gallery once it arrives. Should be here in about 3 weeks. It is beautiful.

There is also something called Master Highlighting for a Thomas Kinkade painting. This is where an artist that has studied and been trained personally by Thomas himself, take an original painting and add real paint to it. This is a very limited time and spots fill up quickly. I made an appointment to have my Beauty and The Beast painting Master Highlighted in November. This will add a special touch to my beloved painting. If, and only if a new painting comes out soon that I purchase, it can be Master Highlighted as well.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Never Far From A Memory...

" I would like to say that a park was named after Heather,
Or a important piece of legislation passes 
Congress in Heather's name,
Or because of Heather's journey a new treatment or cure for Leukemia was found,
But none of that happened...
Heather died.
No fanfare, no parade
She is just gone 
And a little piece of blue sky has gone with her
We who remain have to learn how to go on without her."
~From a movie~

You would think after 2 years Heather would not be so fore front on my mind all the time. Well, I am here to tell you she is. I have gone from thinking about her every milli-second to thinking about her every second. For me, it is a huge change. There are seconds in a day when I find myself thinking something else. Then I get mad at myself for not remembering her. It is a give and take relationship right now. More like a battle in my mind. I want to move on but to move on I have to begin to forget and not think about her every second. But I don't want to forget her. SO the battle rages on in my mind and thoughts.
New cookie jar...a bunny..what else would it be??? He is sooo cute...
So...you could ask me how in the world would antique shopping make me nearly cry and bring back a flood a of memories. Antique shopping is looking at old stuff and Heather has just barely crossed the antique age. By the way-20 years and older is considered an antique. Many years ago our family spent lots of weekends in Prescott. Prescott is known for its quaint little antique shoppes around the courthouse square. On several occasions we, the girls and I, came across a crazy looking stuffed bear. Usually he was ratty looking and he had an Olympic rings belt on. We came across 3-4 per store and in several stores. We joked and commented about this crazy bear. This happened for several trips to the antique stores. It was a funny joke. We began counting how many silly bears we could find.
Misha-silly bear
This weekend, Bill and I went antique shopping. Several of my favorite ones have closed in the past few years. But we recently found a good one close to home. As we walked and looked I saw many wonderful treasures. As soon as you pick something up and begin to walk with it an employee will ask you if they can take it up to the counter for you with your name. This happens in every antique store. I already had several things waited to be purchased. As I walked by a booth, there he was....the same silly bear with the Olympic rings belt. I had not seen one since the days of Prescott. A flood of memories and good times filled with laughter came rushing to my mind. The good ole days..when everything was right with the world..

I smiled and laughed..asked Bill if he remembered...then took a photo to send to Jenn and Wendy. Jenn immediately knew what I was talking about. Wendy, was not so clear about the memory. I know if Heather were here she would have been laughing so hard. She would have told me "Mom you have to buy that!" The 2nd antique store of the day revealed a ceramic statue of this little bear. I had no idea they had ceramic bears like this. Needless to say the smaller bear statue ended up coming home with me. It is a huge reminder of a much happier time in my world.
Ceramic Misha in the store
Misha at home
In 1977, the committee organizing the Olympics held a contest for the best illustration of a bear. The judges chose Victor Chizhikov's design depicting a smiling bear cub wearing a blue-black-yellow-green-red (colors of the Olympic rings) belt, with a golden buckle shaped like the five rings. Misha was confirmed as an official mascot on December 19th, 1977.

Misha is the first mascot of a sporting event to achieve large-scale commercial success as merchandise. The Misha doll was used extensively during the opening and closing ceremonies, had a TV animated cartoon and appeared on several merchandise products, now things commonly practiced not only in the Olympic Games, also in the FIFA World Cup and others events' mascots. 

Since this is called Confessions, I figured it would be good to have a confession. I told you back in January that I had begun going back to the gym. My goal was to get my blood pressure back to normal and to lose the weight that grief had put back on. I am here to confess that after 4 months of going to the gym and watching what I eat I have lost 21 pounds. I am 9 pounds from what I weighted when Heather got sick. I am a total of 16 pounds from being at my goal weight. I am very pleased with myself and what I have been able to do. I have felt like my life is out of my control since Heather was diagnosed with cancer. I could not control or stop any thing that happened to Heather, me or my family. I feel like I have control over myself now. Hard to explain. I am lifting weights, not to get buff, but to tone. I still find it a daily struggle to go everyday for 5 days a week. I would much rather do something else. I have also had a very strict food intact as well. I am only at the gym doing my workout for a maximum of 1 hours and 10 minutes. I will do higher inclines and more weight. I am not going to add more time. Currently I am doing 4 hrs/25 minutes of cardio, walking nearly 17 miles and strength training for 90 minutes a week.
Treadmill calorie count for 1 hour-speed is 4.0 inclines are 6-16
Today I went to lunch with a dear friend. She handed me a gift. Said she saw this and thought of me. It was a mother/daughter lighted glass globe. I love the fact that she did this. It means so much more than words can say.  Even though I am not her mother, she saw me and Heather. That hits my heart. Thank you very much. It was like a gift from Heather through her. I will never receive gifts from Heather again. My friend was the messenger. Like I have said before it is fine to mention Heather's name and we can talk about her. I don't always burst into tears. I mostly save those moments for Bill and Stacey.
"It is okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.."
~My Sister's Keeper~

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Threaten Me With Heaven.......

What's the worse thing that could happen,
What's the worse that they could do.
Threaten me with heaven if they wanted to,
Threaten me with heaven, that's all they can do,
Threaten me with heaven, I believe that it's true,
Threaten me with heaven,
I'll be waiting on you.
~Amy Grant~
Vince Gill's version
Amy Grant's version

 Amy's ex father-in-law came home from a doctor's appointment. When he saw his family he said he had some bad news. He said "they had threatened him with heaven." Of course what else would this multi-talented woman do but set out to write a song with some other friends about this topic. This song has come to light again as the drummer for Amy's band committed suicide and Amy sang this song at his funeral. Her husband, Vince Gill, has also done a version of this song that is making a hit on YouTube. I like both versions so I have included both above.

It all makes it sound so simple that of course to the Christian, heaven is the ultimate goal. I really do understand that concept. It is the idea that my daughter went to heaven first. This goes against the "normal" order of life. Children do not die first. I believe the older a child gets the harder it is when they die on the parents. You have the birthday cards, Christmas memories and all the times, good and bad, shared together. These memories run through your mind over and over and over and over. Everything you do you wonder in the back of your mind, "what if Heather were here? How would this be different?" The death of a child changes the family dynamics forever.
Mother's Day-2008
Inside of homemade card
Peridot earrings
  I noticed a sign on a neighbors garage door this past week. It was a welcome home for their son. He has been away for 2 years on his mission. There is very limited contact when they are away. I remember when he left. It was right after Heather died. As I drove by I was thinking I wish I could have a sign on my door saying WELCOME HOME HEATHER!! I would give everything all my money, house and my life to have 2 seconds with Heather again. While I was happy for this family they they would be having celebrations for their son's return, I couldn't help but be a bit envious that they have something I want so badly~their whole family together. I am at the candy store window, on the outside looking through the glass at what I cannot have.
Valentine's Day-2009
Valentine's Day 2009
In my searching for photos and letters for all my Mother's Day blogs I came across other memories as well. I found the last Valentine's Day card, last Christmas card and the last card Heather ever gave me. I sat there and cried that these were the last cards. No more cards, notes or photos. I remembered that last Mother's Day Heather was here. The week and weekend was full of lots of things; Lynn and Linda were visiting and Jenn graduated from ASU. Saturday we ventured to the mall. Heather got into a wheel chair and went to look for a gift. We did not know at the time that she was low on blood and platelets. She went to Helzberg Diamonds and bought me peridot teardrop earrings. She bought them for several reasons. Peridot is the birthstone for Margaret Coombe. The color of the stone is a lime green with is the color for Lymphoma. The shape of a teardrop was for all my tears I had cried during her being sick. This was not just a gift she randomly picked out. There was a great deal of thought behind a simple gift of a pair of earrings. She apologized for giving me a  handmade card. She had not had the time, strength or energy to go get a Mother's Day card. I honestly didn't expect anything. The whole day, gifts and everything was perfect. This would be the last time Mother's Day would be perfect.
Last card-Given in March-had just started at PIMA Medical
There are not many things that can scare me anymore. I have heard the words your "daughter has cancer, there is nothing more we can do for your daughter and she is gone now." There is not really anything more that I could hear that would scare me more that what I have already heard. I agree with the words of this song...what can be done now? threaten me with heaven? Bring it on. I have a good reason to go. Heaven looks better everyday.............

I can see the tears upon your face,
No hiding place,
You're afraid that soon I will be gone,
Time will still move on.
You're searching for the answers you can't find,
All in good time....
~Threaten Me With Heaven~

Sunday, May 8, 2011

My Name Is Story..

I was the first person
to ever truly belong to my mother
I was a piece of her, 
A fleshy imprint of her dreams
And girlhood wishes,
Yet new and unknown.
She named me Jennifer Leann,
The fair lady she had been waiting for.
The stories she told me in my crib
Were even better that 
Guinevere's and Arthur's-
Bears and balloons dancing on the wall
To the tune of my mother's tongue.
She sat in her rocker for days,
Counting her cross-stitches,
Her needle making hearts and words-
A sweet little tete-a-tete with thread.
My name in raised letters at the top,
A proverb and premonition underneath,
Spelling out the wisdom of my mouth
And the kindness of my tongue.
She knew I was meant to be her first story,
But she had more stories to tell.
Sisters she never had-
The whispers, the fights,
The ability to love and hate at the same time-
So she gave them to me.
She spent hours sewing matching dresses,
Three breathing dolls to play dress-up. 
~Jennifer Coombe~
Note from Heather-State Fair 2006-Ed is the bear Edison
Me with Jenn-10 days old-1986
Mother's Day school project from Jenn
Jenn and Heather in the crib together-1988
Homemade card from Heather for Mother's Day
Me, Wendy, Heather and Jenn-Wendy 2 days old-1990
Mother's Day school project-Wendy
Heather, Wendy and Jenn-1991
Heather, Jenn and Wendy-1993
Heather, Wendy and Jenn-1996
Snoopy drawing by Heather
Jenn, Heather and Wendy-Heather's Birthday
Wendy, Jenn, Heather and Me-May 2008
Thanksgiving Day-2008-Jenn, Heather, Wendy and Pea
Mimi, Pea, Wendy and Heather-March 2009
Note from Heather-2002  

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother In Love...

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
You didn't grow under my heart
But In it....

I first met Margaret Coombe in January 1980. Her family had begun attending my home church in Farmington New Mexico. When Bill and I first began dating she was concerned for my age. She accepted me simply because I was important to her son. I remember thinking that she was quite beautiful with her long hair and her red fingernails. She seemed to be the perfect mom. She couldn't be real. These "real" moms didn't exist in my world.
Cheryl, Margaret & me~Easter 1983
 My interaction with Margaret was limited. In the beginning it was only when Bill was home from college. I took a couple trips with with his family before we were married. I remember thinking it was so nice to be able to talk to Margaret. She listened to me and actually thought I had something to say. I called her nearly everyday and we talked for hours. Her nickname for me was "Yakkie" because I talked so much. She didn't think me silly with my ideas. When I graduated from high school, Margaret gave me a surprise party afterwards. Complete with gifts and a decorated cake. When I found my wedding dress she was the only one to see the dress before the wedding. She was eager and happy to be included in looking at my dress. She also agreed to make the wedding cake and it was beautiful.
Surprise graduation party 12/82
Wedding day-9/10/83~cake by mom
Mom was a multi-talented woman. She could crochet the most beautiful afghans and dollies. She sewed everything from fancy formal taffeta prom dresses to baby dresses, doll clothes and pillows. She could bake the most heavenly desserts and her chocolate chips cookies are legendary. Mom's secret was Crisco instead of butter and then bake a minute less. She could also decorate cakes too. She could cook like no one else on earth. Her meals were famous. Several recipes made it into the paper. But she will forever be known for her hot rolls. There was nothing that she was not willing to try. Mom accepted and loved everyone. Her home was open to anyone. She made you feel like family when you were there.
Shawls made for the girls without a pattern-Jenn and Heather
Mom even played tennis....lol
 I could not cook really at all when Bill and I got married. I managed a few things but nothing like what Mom could make. She lovingly worked with me till I could cook just like her. She taught me how to make a roast and a meatloaf in a cast iron skillet in the oven. It gives it a flavor unlike any other I have ever tasted. Cooking all ground beef in the iron skillet is a must. Another favorite that she made was a homemade from scratch German Chocolate Cake. I think the first one I made there were at least a dozen calls made as well. I could never have imagined cooking an entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner when I was younger. We always went home for the holidays so no need for me to learn how. But when we moved to Minnesota it was not possible to go to Mom's for the holidays. My first Thanksgiving meal was made in 1991. This included one turkey, lots of trimmings and about 100 phone calls across country to ask what I did next and was this suppose to happen. She taught me I should never be scared to try any recipe or change it to fit my style.
She was an avid fisherwoman...
Jenn, Bill, Sherry, Dad, Heather and Mom~May 1988
 Once Mom moved to the Valley we saw more of each other. She was then able to attend the girls activities. But her health began to fail. Once a week I would make her favorite tater tot casserole and we would go over for a visit. One of the last times we had together was when I took her for a bone marrow biopsy. At the time I had no clue and this procedure was performed in office. I held Mom's hands as she winced in pain and tried my best to talk and comfort her. I remember thinking I was glad I was with her during this. I then took her out to lunch. She was so happy and thrilled to ride in my new yellow Xterra. It was a good day. Less than a month later Mom died.
Fellow Teddy Bear Lover
Mom loved her family. She especially loved the grandkids. Mom was thrilled when Jenn learned to crochet. They would sit and crochet together. Jenn made her a dollie for Christmas. Mom said it was the first time she had ever gotten something crocheted given to her. Wendy and Heather loved to polish Mom's nails. Wendy liked to do her toe nails and Heather loved the red long fingernails. Mom would also let the girls put pins and pretties in her hair.  

  No woman ever loved me the way that Margaret Coombe loved me. She truly was a mother to me. I feel that she molded and shaped me into the woman that I am today. She taught me to cook, patiently. I learned to decorate and throw parties from her as well. She was a truly great lady and I miss her terribly. She was the center of the family. I tried for many years to have the family holidays at my house. Everyone always came and enjoyed themselves. The decorations and food was just like Mom was still here. After she died, Jenn taught me to crochet. This would have been the best thing ever to have Mom, Jenn and me all sitting around crocheting. Someday in heaven Mom and I will crochet; and Jenn and Heather will knit. It will be quite the reunion.
The day before Mom died, Heather sat there so tenderly and loving as she removed the old polish and then painted her nails bright red. She said  "When Grandma meets Jesus, she needs to have her nails looking good.  "  Heather was not afraid to touch or talk to her Grandma. I know that Mom was waiting with open arms when Heather got to heaven.