Confessions of a Grieving Mother: Kindred Spirits...

Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you.

I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you’re glad to see that I don’t cry anymore.

But I DO cry. When everyone has gone—when it is safe—the tears will fall. I cry in privacy so my family won’t have to worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

I do all kinds of things. I have gone back to school. I have lose weight and gotten healthy. I have planned parties. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I’m NOT strong. I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow…next week…next month…next year.

I go about my routine. Cleaning the house and going to the store. I go to movies and socialize some with close friends. I go on vacation and look to be happy and having a fantastic time. I have a smile on my face. You tell me you’re glad to see I’m “over” the death of my loved one.

But I’m NOT “over it.” If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same again. At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors and friends. I smile and wave as I walk past you. You tell me you’re glad to see I’m holding up so well.

But I am NOT holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world.

I spend time at parties or dinner with friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it’s good to see me back to my “old self.”

But I will NEVER be back to my “old self.” Death and grief have touched my life, and I am forever changed.

Concept from~Rhonda Wilson~

Maybe I have known this before but I forgot that April 10^th is the 100^th day of the year. It seems like 100 of anything is special. If you live to be 100 years old, schools celebrate the 100^th day of school and the President’s first 100 days in office. It seems that 100 is a turning point or special number. If you live in Arizona April 10^th 2001 we watched in horror as Robert Fisher’s family was found murdered in their home that had blown up. Robert Fisher is the prime suspect in the killing of his wife, son and daughter. For the Cooper family this day was a nightmare come true. I mention the Fisher family because we knew them. I knew Mary, Heather knew Brittany and Wendy knew Bobbie.

April 10^th will be a day that none of our family will ever forget. It used to be because it was Bill’s parent’s wedding anniversary. Now it means something different. I know that many people have many different reasons why April 10^th may be a special day for them. Maybe a child was born on that day or something else happened. I know that cancer diagnosis’s happen every day of the year and many times over. This is a day that you will never forget. I recently learned that this day means something very different to my best friend Sandy.

Sandy and I met in 1^st grade. She was a student in my adopted mother’s classroom. My school was out early and Jo Beth had 5 more days of school left. The principle loved me and told me it would be fine if I came to school and was in Jo Beth’s classroom. Jo Beth was not thrilled. Anyway, this is how Sandy and I first met. Then we were in 3^rd and 4^th grade together. We had a long time apart and then met back up in high school.

Sandy and I are best friends. We can be apart for some time and pick right back up where we let off. I think we are kindred spirits. God knew I needed Sandy for the long haul. He gave her to me as one of the most precious gifts I have. Sandy and I did a lot of things together in high school. I spent the night at her house many times. We played tricks on her poor sweet mother. Told her it was my birthday so we could take the truck and go out. I had about 3 birthdays that year. I am sure her mother knew. Sandy called me one night 11 years ago and told me her mom had died. I remember at the time how sorry I was. The date didn’t really stand out in my mind.

Fast forward several years to 2008. As I was making appointments for doctors, Sandy’s oldest daughter, Brandy had learned she was pregnant. This was a very joyous occasion for them. Brandy wasn’t sure if any more babies were in her future. I had no idea that on Thursday, April 10 while I was waiting to hear news, Brandy called Sandy and told her she just found out she was pregnant with twins. A few hours later I called Sandy to tell her Heather had cancer. I can’t imagine the emotions Sandy had to have been feeling. Sandy had the joy of twin babies and the heartbreak that Heather had cancer.

Sandy and Mike had come to visit me when Heather was working at Tempe Marketplace. Heather begged Sandy to stop by the store and see her on their way out of town. Sandy headed into the Target and Heather saw her immediately and ran to her and gave her a big hug. Sandy said that imagine of Heather brings joy to her to remember her that way.

Sandy, Mike and Grandson Riley came in November, 2008 to watch the Nascar race here in Phoenix. We visited at the house for a bit and then all of us went to Chili’s for dinner. Heather’s Grand Ball was that weekend. I think Sandy was torn between the race and the ball. I totally understood. Time with the grandson is way more important.

Sandy and Mike came again to the Nascar race in April 2009. This time Sandy asked if she could stay with me and let Mike go to the race. I told her sure but it wasn’t much fun. Heather was in ICU, on a vent. Sandy said she just wanted to come and sit with me. Saturday April 18^th Sandy spent the day with me and saw first-hand the horrors of my daily life for the past 31 days. Sandy stayed the night and slept in Heather’s room. Sandy was also up with me when I learned early Sunday morning that Rusty had died. Later I would learn two things; sometime during the early morning hours Sandy got a scent of Heather’s perfume in her room, and as her and Mike drove back home she kept saying that she shouldn’t be leaving. About 2 hours later I would text Sandy that we had just been told there was no hope and we needed to make a decision. Sandy and Brandy drove all the way back down the following weekend for Heather’s funeral.

Through thick and thin the one person outside of my immediate family that I lean on and trust with everything in my life is Sandy. She has been my bestest buddy in the whole world for 41 years. I find it interesting that the date that means so much to me also means so much to her as well. We are Kindred Spirits and soul sisters forever. I love you Sandy to the moon and back.

Not sure what today should have been if Heather were still here. I just know that today my life changed and turned upside down forever. I personally didn't do much today. I stayed in bed till after noon. (I don't care what you think, sometimes it is necessary) I stayed at home all day and actually didn't get dressed till later afternoon. I ignored the Schwans guy and FEDex when they came to the door as well.

I did go out to dinner at Chipotle before heading to HotRod Tattoos. I had begged Jesse to add Heather's iconic heart and signature to my butterfly tattoo. I wanted this done today. Jesse was booked but did offer to stay later after hours to help me out today. As I sent out photos someone told me something very special and I want to share that with you.