Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Wedding, We're Going To Have A Wedding...

Wedding, a wedding, 
we're going to have a wedding, a wedding!
The spiders think you're very cute, but goodness knows you need a suit.
But have no fears, we're quite adept, we'll have you looking lovely yet.
A little stitch, a little tuck, some tender loving care.
A little thread will fix you up and we've got plenty as you see,
And personally guarantee our quality repairs.
A little here, a fix of this, We're going to do our best.
When everybody sees you, they will all be quite impressed.
They will all be quite impressed.
A wedding, we're going to have-
-a wedding cake is no mistake, it must be quite sublime.
We're missing something..
-Try some dust
I wish I had more time...
Perhaps there's something I can do, these bones might help a bit
My nose!
Wait a minute...that's it!!
A little that
A little this
The perfect cake is hard to miss.
A wedding, a wedding
We're going to have a wedding!
S Huzzah! Huzzah! We're going to have a wedding.
Hurray! A wedding! Hurray!
Let's all give out a cheer cause the bride is getting married today! Hurray!
One thing you can surely say is we will stand beside
Until the end, we will defend our one and only bride.
Our bride to be, our bride to be, our lovely Corpse Bride.
Huzzah! Hurray! Huzzah! Hurray!
The bride is getting married today.

Oh! Here she comes, Oh look! It's her.
 Ohhhhhh....the bride is here.
She's waited for this day for many a year.
For this day, for this day.
Our hopes and our pride.
The bride is here.
Here comes the bride(3Xs)..our bride.
For this day, for this day will last forever
And all of her friends will work together.
To make it the perfect day she's always dreamed.
Our hopes and our pride.
Our bride, our lovely bride.

We're going to have a party like no-one has ever seen.
The Living in the land above will not know where they've been.
The Land above..(the Land above)
The party of...(the party of)
The Bride!!!
Here comes the bride.
On her glorious day of days.
Up to the Land of the Living to celebrate!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What is a Half?...

HALF price books
HALF marathon
HALF moon
HALF an hour

HALF:  1. One of two equal parts that together constitute a whole.
            2. One part approximately equal to the remaining part

I’ll take the other HALF
Please but just HALF a cup
Cake, but HALF a piece
She is 3 and a HALF
Meet me at 2:30-or HALF past
Why is the measurement of HALF so important? I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why 1/2 or HALF means so much to me. Whether you know it or not we all use HALF in our day to day life. How many times have we shared half a candy bar or asked for half a sandwich. HALF seems to be very counted in everything measurements, time, and so many more things.

I have no idea why 6 months, 18 months, 2 ½ and now 3 ½ years has come to be something that I have to mark in my world. Why does October 20th make me stop and remember to breathe? It means nothing to anyone else in the world but me. Maybe it is because I was planning to have Heather’s memorial on the 20th. But I have marked this date each year without anyone noticing but me. For the 18 month mark I bought the Thomas Kinkade Beauty and the Beasty painting. Sleeping Beauty Thomas Kinkade painting marked the 2 ½ year mark last year. This year I have no painting to buy, nothing to mark that this day is any different than any other day.

I never really thought about not remembering Heather on her HALF death date. In my mind it seems normal. But then again I may not be in my right mind. I see things differently and this is something I am really struggling with for some reason his year. I guess in the past I had something to remember the date and this year I don’t. For some reason saying that Heather died 3 ½ years sound better to me than saying 4 years. Just like we marks kid’s growing years in HALVES, I should be able to mark Heather’s death in HALVES as well.
I have come to realize that very little of what I think or say makes sense. It seems foreign to me. Like I am on the outside watching myself go through the motions. But this is me. My bestie Sandy and I were texting and I realized that I am DAMN proud of my daughter Heather. She fought an incredible fight against an evil monster called cancer. At 20 she faced things that send most adults screaming and hiding. She faced that she could die. How many of us as adults have really faced that idea that I could die today? She bravely faced her fears and fought a good fight till her last day. She never gave up. Instead of being ashamed with the badge of “oh yeah I am the mother who’s daughter had cancer and then died”…I wear it proudly and again am DAMN proud to have been Heather’s mother. This is not to say that she didn’t get tired, sad or feel like giving up. But for the most part her sweet, loving, gentle spirit was still here and shining thru. I guess that is why I have the need to talk about Heather as much as I can and as often as I can. I need people to know about my amazing daughter and what she endured.

There is something different about the ones left behind that are the caregivers. Heather and I were close as mother and daughter but caring and taking care of her during cancer bonded us at the hip forever. You cannot go thru what we endured in the hospital at nights and stuff and not be forever changed. The bad times of her being scared that she was gonna died to the times she was drugged to sleep to just survive the treatment. Holding her hand each night as she fell asleep to laying in her hospital bed every night and then moving to my bed in the wee hours of the morning. We had fun times like me shaving her head at midnight and sneaking to dairy queen for a blizzard. All of those are embedded in my mind and memories forever. Here it is 3 ½ yrs later and those events are still crystal clear in my mind. I can recount hours and hours worth of stories.

HALF dollar
HALF way
HALF bad
Better HALF
HALF brother/sister
HALF hearted

Glass is HALF full
He is a HALF wit
Her singing isn’t HALF bad
Let’s go HALVES on that gift
I have HALF a mind to
On Saturday October 20, Heather died 3 ½ years ago. I think the HALF lets everyone know that 6 more months have gone by. Understand it or not it is the way I function and think right now. Not sure what Saturday will bring, Bill leaves for 2 weeks overseas on business. You can be sure that my days plans include a trip to the cemetery to visit Heather. Only 6 more months and it will be 4 years…and that hurts.

~Little cottontail bunny that was at the cemetery on 10/15...He was not concerned about me being there. Glad they are back for the winter.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

For My Broken Heart...

Clock still tickin’, life goes on, radio still plays a song
As I try to put my scattered thoughts in place
And it takes all the strength I’ve got to stumble to the coffee pot
The first of many lonely mornings I’ve had to face…

The world didn’t stop; the earth didn’t stop spinning on its axis and crash into the sun. Nor did people stop working, playing or going about their normal everyday lives. People got married and babies were born. Birthday parties were given as well as holidays come and go. The sun still rises every morning and sets every evening. The stars come out, rain falls and the wind blows. Everything in nature is still moving forward.
BUT…for me my world is off its axis wobbling around as I try to keep my feet balanced on this world I now walk on. I feel that any minute I could go tumbling down the rabbit hole like Alice into an unknown and very strange world. But mine is not wonderland. It is minutes, hours, days, weeks and months filled with an extreme roller coaster of ups and downs.
2011-2 year rememberance
There are times, and dates that come around that just are what they are. They are not good days and not bad days, just blah days. These days would be like Sundays and Mondays. Sunday was the day we were told there was no hope and Monday was the day Heather died. Then there are days that are just bad sucky days. These days are April 10 cancer diagnosis, November 8 which is the ball, and many other dates that mark significant things that happened. Sometimes it is just a season such as October to December it seems and March thru the end of April. This time is up and down and my body and heart know more than my mind does. I just feel down and have no real good reason as to why other than my daughter died and that is the end of it. Finally there are the really bad/good/sad/happy/horrible/awful days like December 10 her birthday and April 20 her death day. These days and the days around them are indescribable.
2011-2 year rememberance nighttime
I can’t change anything about the moods or tears that come any day or any time. I cannot predict what will or won’t set me off. It has no rhyme or reason or understanding. I can be having the best day ever and suddenly I am overcome with a black cloud that I cannot shake. It creeps up my back and I can feel it coming on the back of my neck. The dark cloud covers and suffocates me to the point I feel like I can’t breathe. This happens less than it did at first but the feeling comes and I am helpless to do anything about it except cry and cry and cry. Once I begin crying I cannot stop. This is crying like I have never experienced before. It is a cry that I cannot utter a word if someone speaks to me. I have been known to burst out into tears in the car so hard that I nearly have to pull over.
2011-lighted balloons that we released
As time goes by, things change and I see things differently. People around me are tired after 3 ½ years of listening to me say the same things and the same stories. Some may call it dwelling. I call it I have to talk about the traumatic event that happened in my life to help me heal. Marking birthdays and death anniversaries is becoming difficult to want to be around people. Heather’s birthday the past 2 years has been marked with a birthday blood drive. I am saddened to announce that this will for now no longer be taken place. I still believe that blood and blood donations are vital to cancer patients, I just don’t have the heart’s desire to drive this event any more. This is not to say that several years I may begin again. But for now, it has been canceled. Bill and I will be going away to Disneyland during that time. Back to celebrate Heather’s birthday the way we did her last year, at Disneyland. I have no idea how I will feel to be there on that day at that place. But I am going to find out. Also April 20 will be spent at Disneyland as well. For some reason right now, this feels right for me to do. So understand or don’t I have to follow my heart. I want these days to be focused on Heather and her life and her death. I plan to buy a Disney balloon and release it to heaven on Dec 10 and April 20. When I return home the luminaries will be put out and possibly more balloons will be sent off to heaven.
2012-3 year rememberance
Where once we counted birthdays to mark her time here on earth, we now start over and mark her death days to mark her time not here anymore. Both days are just as important.

Sally Angel that I made in 2009 has taken quite the weather beating being out from before Thanksgiving to April 21. The rain and extreme sun has chipped her paint and made her quite shabby looking. This weekend the refurbishing of Sally Angel began. She has been scraped and sanded, puttied and sanded again. I have the new paint and am ready to get started on putting her character back into this piece of wood. Most look at her as a cutout of plywood and some lights. To me she is much more. She is a symbol of Heather. Everything about Sally from her curly blond hair to her pink dress, her pale skin and her sweet tender giving heart is Heather. It makes my heart feel better to see Sally Angel on the mound above her blue light cloud. I hope that Sally Angel can last a few more years before I have to create a new one altogether.
The day after-empty 2012
 The world didn’t stop, babies keep being born, wedding are taking place. Teens still get their license, graduate and move on to college.  Heather’s friends are moving on, getting married and having babies. While this is the normal and natural order of life it still hurts to see what I will never get to experience with Heather. It really hit me when my BFF Sandy sent me a text announcing that her daughter found out the baby is going to be a boy. It hit me that I will never send her back a text that says Heather is having a… It may sound simple that well duh, we all know that fact. While you know it, but I live it. My future with Heather is gone. No wedding, no babies no happily ever after here on earth. It is tough to realize the world is moving forward while I feel like I am stuck in neutral spinning my wheels trying to move forward.
sanded Sally ready for  new paint
Last night I prayed the Lord, my soul to keep,
Then I cried myself to sleep
So sure life wouldn’t go on without you
But, Lord, this sun is blinding me as it wakes me form the dark
I guess the world didn’t stop for my broken heart…
October cemetery decorations

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Feels Like Home To Me...

The heavy summer sun blocking curtains have come down and the light of the day can now fill the house. All the furniture that once was a light color has been spray painted a dark walnut. The smell of sweet cinnamon pumpkin fills the air, there are a few pumpkins scattered around the house, fall placemats are on the table. The house remodeling is finished and everything is put back in its place and it feels…it feels…GOOD. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…
As difficult as it is to see the house we built with our kids change, it is feeling very good to me. I still remember picking the tile and carpet for our first ever house we built from the ground up. It was quite a major accomplishment in our lives. For the first time ever we would have three full bathrooms and our master bedroom would be more like a master suite. Our first house had Bill’s clothes in Heather’s closet and mine in Wendy’s. We had never had our own private bathroom either. I remember coming on a weekly basis to see the progress. At times it seemed like there was none. I remember our first night in the house where we learned our heat did not work and we had no blinds or shaded for the windows. (Bare windows allow LOTS of light in) Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Our first remodeling job was the hall bathroom right before Heather’s graduation. The toilet had leaked, but we didn’t know that, and ruined the floor all the way under the bathtub. Because of the weakened floor the tub actually popped a piece of porcelain off the bottom of the tub. We just thought the tub needed to be replaced. Famous last words!! The actual plywood floor, the tub and the entire bathroom flooring had to be replaced. Of course this called for an entire repainting and new shower curtain for the new bathroom. It was such a good feeling to have a new bathroom and new flooring. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…
My home growing up was in terrible shambles. It was a piece mill house to begin with and my step mother was not a house keeper. My parents never had the money to do anything. My Daddy worked odd jobs and always seemed to get sick and then get fired. The house needed new flooring, new plumbing, new heating, new bathroom so basically gutted and started over. My Daddy died and never saw this happen. My step mother sold the house and moved into her mother house after she died. When I went to see the house the last time someone had purchased it and totally remodeled the house inside and out. I so desperately wanted to go knock on the door and ask if I could see the changes. But chickened out. If I ever get back to Farmington again, I will go this time and knock on the door. My house was special, it even had a bomb shelter in the garage. Yes, a cement walled and metal door bomb shelter. It felt like home to me, It felt like I was all the way back where I belong…

The bathroom remodeling job was in May 2005 and nearly 7 years later I called Tempe Dzign Center to see if I could get the same vinyl flooring for our master bathroom as in the hall bathroom. They had done such a good before I knew I wanted to use them again. As luck would have it the same wood looking vinyl flooring was still available. So we began the first portion of flooring to be replaced in our house. Our master bathroom went from carpet to wonderful vinyl flooring and a new toilet. It really changed the look and feel of the bathroom and is wonderful. But the real reason was to replace our toilet. It has never flushed right and so with a new toilet came the new flooring. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…
Carpeting and stairs never go together and our house was no different. After nearly 19 years of carpeted stairs they needed a change. When Tempe Dzign came to do our bathroom flooring I had them measure the hallway and the stairs. Of course the stairs are nearly the most expensive part to floor in the entire house. I wanted laminate so that we would not have to replace the carpet again. The hallway was long with many difficult cuts and angles. Our installer Daniel was a perfectionist and did a beyond fantastic job with the install. It really changed the look of the entire upstairs. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Our house in Minnesota was a lot of work. All the flooring had to be ripped up and new put in. Hint, don’t put real hardwood floors in a house in Minnesota with all the snow and ice. It really doesn’t work well. Not only was the flooring a nightmare but Jenn and Heather’s rooms had to have the sheet rock ripped out and new put in. Wallpaper from the living room and entire 2-story entryway had to be torn off as well. This left holes in the walls that had to be repaired and sanded. It was several weeks of work. But I really loved my “country” home. It felt like home to me, felt like I was all the way back where I belong…
For the house that we built here in Arizona we put tile flooring in thinking that it would last forever. Well it did last nearly 19 years but it had cracks and breaks in it that we were not expecting. Not sure if it was cheap tile, poor installation or just what caused the cracks and breaks in the tile, but it was outdated and needed to go. Taking out tile is a very very messy job. We found a tile removal place that does this with no dirt or dust anywhere in your house. Yes, it truly worked. The tile was torn out and the floor smoothed for the laminate to be laid down. The days of the house being torn up was worth every minute of it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look and feel of the house. It changed the entire look of the house and made it more warm and modern feeling.  Carpeting will be next but for now I am getting used to the beautiful new look of my flooring. If feels like home to me, it feels like home to me. It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong…

The heavy summer sun blocking curtains have come down and the light of the day can now fill the house. All the furniture that once was a light color has been spray painted a dark walnut. The smell of sweet cinnamon pumpkin fills the air, there are a few pumpkins scattered around the house, fall placemats are on the table. The house remodeling is finished and everything is put back in its place and it feels…it feels…GOOD. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…
Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

In the natural order of life, babies are born; they grow up, get married, have a family, and grieve as their mother and father die. That is the way life is supposed to work. But many families are torn from the natural order when a child dies. This could be natural, illness or accident. It upsets the way the world spins on its axis. NOTHING is ever the right way again. Relationships, futures and my very existence on the planet are changed forever. I cannot change my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Despite how many people tell me to GET OVER IT…Just what the hell is the IT is am supposed to get over? Can someone who has had a child die tell me how they have gotten over it? Is there a mother out there who has experienced this kind of a loss that has actually gotten over it? I would like to meet her. I can’t change what happened, I can’t go back, I can’t bring Heather back and I can’t be the same woman, mother and person I was before April 20, 2009. I am sorry that this comes as a shock to everyone.

I am not sure why it is so important to me that Ashley Lowry’s grave be marked with flowers and remembered. She wasn’t my daughter I really didn’t know her. But because Heather loved her I care. Because Ashley was a daughter and her mother is gone I care. Because I am who I am, I care. So this week I found more than what I bargained for when I found Heather’s school memory book. I found I had kept Ashley’s obituary, the program from her funeral and the letter the school sent home. When I saw these I sat and cried, bawled actually. I was so overcome with emotions. Mostly that I had cared enough to save these things in the first place and then that finally I know when Ashley was born and when she died. Her marker only has the years on it, not the actual month and day. Ashley and Heather shared the same middle name of Nicole. Jenn told me this was one of the reasons why Heather loved her. Ashley was born June 29, 1988 and died May 25, 1995. I can now honor and remember her special dates each year.