Monday, February 27, 2012

Ash Wednesday...

ASH WEDNESDAY-The seventh Wednesday before Easter is the first day of Lent. The season of Lent has been a time for self-examination and penitence in preparation for Easter. The first day of Lent begins 46 days before Easter. It is a moveable fast falling on a different day each year because it is dependent on the date of Easter.

According to the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, during which he endured temptation by Satan. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of this 40-day period of prayer and fasting.

As we head into the Holy season of Ash Wednesday, Holy Week, Good Friday and Easter my mind is full of many thoughts. It is 40 days till Easter right now. Wow, here we are heading at freight train speed into the brick wall of death and depression for the spiritual sense and my physical sense. I was planning to write about Good Friday and Easter right now, but have decided to save it and make a couple blogs out of this time of year.

I am transported back to the years of making matching Easter dresses for the girls. I would spend a long time picking just the right dress patterns and then the material and laces to match. Then came the time to make 3 dresses and still be wife and mom to 3 small girls. Trying to find hats, shoes, gloves and purses for all the girls, as well, was quite the task. This was in the days of dressing in our “Easter best” for church.

This is also the time when Heather would fall in love with all the stuffed and chocolate bunnies that came out for upcoming holiday. She loved the peeps and jelly beans as well. I am not sure she ever met an Easter candy she didn’t love.. Her favorite ones were the Bunny Big Ears so she had lots of ears to eat. She never saw a stuffed bunny that she could not hug at least once.

We are a society that survives from one holiday to the next. July 4th leads directly into Christmas. Forget Labor Day, Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving. These holidays are overlooked for Christmas and Halloween. The only reason Halloween gets such a big part of the season is because of costumes and candy sales. If there is not a buck to be made then forget the holiday getting any visibility. Christmas goes to Valentine’s Day and the day after Valentine’s Day leads right into Easter. This is where we are now. Right after Easter we get to think about Mother’s Day. Last year I was very thankful as there was only 2 weeks between Easter and Mother’s Day. It is a very difficult time for me to see and hear all the stuff for Mother's Day. Mostly because I never dreamed that Mother's Day 2008 would be the last one Heather would be here for. During this most difficult time of Easter and Mother’s Day is when I get to celebrate Heather’s death day. I say celebrate not like big party and lots of happy faces, but as in celebrate the day that her suffering here on earth was ended and mine just began.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Diamonds and Settings...

When I created my diamond the original setting I chose was actually for a square cut or princess cut stone. I felt this setting had a very “princess” look to it and asked if the jeweler could alter the setting to fit my diamond. The setting was modified to fit a .75 or ¾ carat diamond round in it. When my red Heather diamond was cut it was much larger than expected. It is actually a 1.24 carat or nearly twice the size of the original one.
The original setting-8 prongs just not strong enough to hold the stone
When the ring arrived it was stunning and perfect and beautiful and I loved it. I never wanted to take it off. However, just like anything that is done long distances away, it was the wrong size. I had ordered a size 7 to fit my middle finger and this was actually a 6.75. is was too small for my middle finger and too big for my ring finger. Normally this would not be an issue when you purchase any regular diamond for any normal jeweler. A created diamond is not replaceable and most mall jewelers will not take the responsibility to work on the diamond. Then comes the shipping end of things. Most jewelers ship your diamond rings thru a carrier or UPS or FedEx. This is not possible with a diamond like mine.

I found an oldtime jeweler (Rod) that keeps the jeweler right on property and works on it himself. He has worked on other created diamonds and was not afraid to touch it. I had it sized and the prongs looked at. There were 8 prongs so I figured the stone was safe in the setting. Boy was I wrong. I found out in early January that one of the prongs again was lifted. Upon looking more the jeweler said that all 8 of the prongs were not really seated on the stone to hold it in properly. This was the final straw. I never want to lose the stone so I decided to look for a new setting. It was not going to be easy to find one that I liked better than what I had.
Side view of new setting

See the huge strong prongs to hold the center stone
I looked at several retail jewelry stores and found some nice ones. They were ok, but the issue was that once the Heather diamond was placed the warranty for the rest of the ring was void. I would have to pay to repair or rodium the ring. Through the prodding of a really good friend I went to the Shane Co in north Scottsdale. (This was who gave me the jeweler’s name, Rod, that repairs my ring to begin with) I was blown away by the selection of rings. 1000’s of ring setting in 100’s of styles and designs. I have never seen such a huge selection of rings. I never ever imagined that I could find a setting that looked as much like the original one, BUT I DID!!!. It is the most beautiful setting. Shane Co re-sized the ring on the spot, the problem was that once I took the ring the warranty was voided again. But I didn’t care I loved the setting. I took the new setting and the old ring to Rod, my jeweler. He was thrilled that I had purchased a new setting. He thought that the original setting was under sized to hold the large stone in it.
Heather diamond placed in the setting see how beautiful
The light reflecting
It took Rod over a week to set the stone but it was worth the wait. I love it and the stone is nice and secure. Since I was a block from Shane Co I took my completed ring back to show the sales person. She was blown away by how beautiful the stone looked in the ring. She also told me that since Rod set the stone they would honor the warranty and fix the ring for me. Hooray, it all seemed to work out perfect. The new setting shows the true color and size of the diamond.  Most of the diamond before was so far inside the setting and was not able to get catch the light or show just how big the stone really is. I have to say that changing the setting was the best decision ever!
Simply beautiful and so princess just like Heather
The new setting is described as follows: 
(funny how there are 46 diamonds and I am 46 years old)
Brilliant hand-matched diamonds provide the perfect backdrop to the center diamond of your choice. Forty-six round diamonds, at approximately .34 carat total weight, are pave-set into the quality 14 karat white gold band, providing a glamorous, 
modern look.

Horrible, Awful Father...

This post was originally posted on January 19th, 2012. It was removed by me because I was afraid that Harry would read this before I was ready for him to see I told the whole world. Now I re-post this forever for the world to see just what a truly sick, horrible, 
evil awful man he really is.

They say you get stronger in the broken places
When you lean into the crisis that your facing
In your weakness your made strong...

Father- Traditionally, fathers act in a protective, supportive and responsible way towards their children.

Martin Luther King Day-Monday, January 15, 1990 my beloved DADDY, Jim Blake died. I was devastated as he was my whole world. He was my best friend, my confidant and the best DADDY in the world. We had our disagreements like any other father and daughter relationship would have. But my DADDY wanted me and understood me because he was adopted too. He left my world and my life way too soon and a void in my heart.

They say when you’ve fallen off a horse
The first thing you gotta do of course is
Climb right back on…

After Jim died I didn’t want to find my birth father. I never imagined that anyone could possibly be anything like the father I had growing up. I postponed finding my birth father Harry out of respect for my DADDY, Jim. In 2004, I finally decided to look for Harry and made contact with him on my 39th birthday. I was thrilled and excited that I had found him and actually talked to him on the phone. My birth mother had told me he was a horrible man. One of the reasons why I waited so long to find him was I was not sure I wanted to inflict him on my family.

I have always felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. In finding my birth mother I still had so many unanswered questions that I felt I needed to search more. When I met Harry and his wife Lola in 2005 I thought I had finally found all the answers. I fit in with him and the bond was almost immediate. The connection as very strong, almost like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was not long before I realized that Harry and I were very much alike in many different areas of our personalities. I thought finally I had all the answers. As we talked more and more our relationship grew and I began to call him DADDY.

Harry has lots of money and a good name in the small community he lives in. He has been married to the same woman for nearly 51 years despite the numerous affairs he has had on her. I was able to overlook this and some many other small things that are actually not quite right because I loved him and I thought he loved me.

I enjoyed the times that Harry and I spent together and all the special memories I thought we made. He is the perfect manipulator, conniver and downright liar. He manages to lie to everyone in his life and pretend everything is just fine with him. Harry is very good at hiding his secret life and ideas. No one around him suspects this kind and gentle older man could be so downright evil and sick. He managed to shatter every ounce of respect I could ever have for him.

I’m a, I’m a fighter
I must admit I didn’t see it coming now face to face
And baby I ain’t running
I won’t do that anymore
Cause I’m a fighter…

Harry and Lola come for a visit every January on their way to San Diego. In the past these have been very good visits and many fun times were had by everyone. I also made a couple trips to visit him and his wife. In January 2010 (he made the trip alone because his wife was already in California) when I just beginning the grieving process and was at one of my weakest points Harry pounced and made his move. He told me that he loved me more than anyone could…maybe more than he should but he didn’t think so. He then proceeded to tell me he wanted to hold me, love me and help me grieve. He wanted to take me to a hotel. He said he loved me, he probably loved me too much but he didn’t think so.

I had a talk with him and explained that I had lost Heather, he was my father and I didn’t want to lose him too. I thought he understood. I flew up in May of 2010 with no issues and then he came for a visit in January 2011 and there were no issues again. I figured he got the hint and had dropped the whole idea of having sex with me. Boy was I wrong…

Harry arrived on Sunday and everything was just fine. His wife Lola was staying with her cousin in Apache Junction. I thought it was weird that he had stayed day and night with us. But welcomed him into my home once again just like all the times before. Monday night after everyone went to bed, Harry came back down to tell me he had a problem. He began to rub his hard penis on my leg through his pajamas. I pulled away from him and he told me he just wanted to show me what I do to him. Then he went back to bed. Tuesday morning I was awakened by my father stroking my face and kissing my lips and my neck, I was trying to get awake as he pulled the covers to my bed to crawl in bed with me. I told him NO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!...he stopped and questioned me, no? this isn’t happening? I said NO! and he left. Final attempt was on Wednesday when he told me he wanted me to go to a motel with him and stay the afternoon and the night. He had packed a bag and his overnight stuff and put it in his car in preparation for me to go with him. Again I refused and said NO!

After every event that happened I had a long face to face talk with my father and told him I did not want to have sex with him. I did not think of him that way and he was my father not my lover. Each time I figured he understood and I thought we were fine till the next time and the next time. After the motel thing everything seemed to settle down and he quit trying to molest me. I knew I had to tell my family but I just wanted to survive his visit and then figure out what I do after. I was trying to save my relationship with my father. But, I realized when he made a move to kiss me on Sunday night that I was never going to be free from him. He was never going to leave me alone. NEVER. He would keep trying more and more things. I had to end this.
Last photo ever to be taken of me and Harry-he ruined everything forever!!
Sunday night I wrote a 12 page letter to Harry to explain my feelings, how he victimized and abused me and that he would never do it again. I did not know what I would do with the letter, read it to him or give it to him, but I explained that if he crossed any line again I would tell and tell everyone. Monday morning Harry told me he was hurt and rejected by me turning my face and not allowing him to kiss my lips. I went and got my letter and read it to him. He said nothing. NOTHING. I talked about incest, and how he was not better than the men that molested me when I was 4 and 9 yrs old. Again he said nothing. I got in his face about a couple things and he would not make eye contact with me and said nothing. He got up, got his coat and left. He left for good without saying a word. He is playing the victim here.

And I'm done hoping we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels
Spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, ohh, I'm done thinking you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be OK
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger…

I locked the door, called my family home and fell apart emotionally and physically as I told them about what had been going on. I am 46 years old and I am afraid to wall in the mall alone, I am taking Ativan to help with all the anxiety I have, I am going to counseling, my heart races to the point I think I am going to have a heart attack and I feel very venerable and victimized by a man who was supposed to be my father. He told me he didn’t raise me, he met me as an adult so it was different, told me this would be my 100% commitment to him and I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant he was fixed and had no diseases. OMG!!! You are my FATHER!!! MY FATHER!!!

I never want to see or speak to Harry again. My Daddy will forever be Jim Blake, the only Daddy I ever had. What is so ironic about this whole thing is Monday, was Martin Luther King Day, 22 years after Jim died.

I took a huge step and got rid of that stupid Camaro. It made me sick to look at it. It was a bribe car to shut me up and keep me quiet. Well no more. I never have to see that stupid car again. I bought something that symbolizes me as a strong woman that will not be victimized again. I also changed the name. the only DOLYGRL in my world is MY DOLLY GIRL, Heather. The end. There will only be one Dolly Girl, My Dolly Girl, and I will never place her special name on a vehicle again.

It doesn't happen overnight, but you
Turn around and a month's gone by, and you
Realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you an hour or a second 
or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger…

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Polar Express...

All aboard! All aboard!
Tickets please, tickets
Well, you coming?

It’s a magic carpet on a rail
Never takes a rest
Flying through the mountains and the snow
Ride for free and join the fun
(You can ride for free)
If you just say yes!
Cause that’s the way things happen
On the Polar Express
You bet!...
~Polar Express Theme Song~

Heather was in Mrs. Berglund’s class for 2nd grade and during Christmas time Mrs. Berglund read her favorite Christmas story to the class…The Polar Express. It instantly became Heather’s favorite Christmas story book. I actually had never heard of it nor had she really mentioned it till the book was going to become a Hollywood movie. It was our family Thanksgiving movie in 2004. I happen to love Tom Hanks and we all fell in love with the movie.

I managed to find Polar Express things to get Heather for several of her birthdays after the movie came out. Her prized gift was the bell in the box like the one at the end of the movie…The First Gift of Christmas. Another favorite was the big huge hot chocolate mug and plate. Heather actually wanted an entire set of them but I was not able to find enough on sale after Christmas. With each piece being $10 it was a bit hard to want to get her a set of 16 cups and saucers.
Heather's prized Polar Express treasures
Since Heather died holidays have been a huge struggle for me. I would love to cancel every single holiday and birthday. Each one of these days is another slap in the face reminder that Heather is not here. Not like I don’t realize it every single day. But the days when it is supposed to be family is when it hits really, really hard. Other families have no idea how difficult it is for me to look at their happy photos of Christmas morning with all the family and gifts and smiles and laughter. That used to be me, but forever my happy ending is gone. I have wanted to go away for Christmas and ride The Polar Express for Christmas Eve just like the book. So in June last year I made ticket reservations for the whole family to go to Williams and ride the train.
Grand Canyon Railway lit for Christmas Eve
As we were leaving on Christmas Eve, Wendy asked me if I was bringing some of Heather’s ashes to spread up there. I honestly had not really thought about it, but then decided it was a perfect place and time to do so. As we packed up, I placed 2 spoonfuls of ashes in a plastic bag and put it in my purse. I am so glad that Wendy reminded me that Heather was the reason why we were going and doing this and it was in honor of her in a way.

We stopped at Anthem at the Outlet Shoppes to stretch and just look around. It was very mild out and felt good to walk around. They have a huge, huge live tree up there that we managed to get a few photos of. Actually not much was bought there. I was saving my shopping for The Polar Express store. Then we headed back on the road again. The roads were clear and dry. We could have been in snow or canceled all together because of the weather.
Snookie at Anthem with giant tree
Mimi and snookie self portrait
We checked into our hotel in which it looked like we were the only ones ever there. It was a Best Western at the edge of town. It was a very nice hotel and the rooms were excellent. We decided to head into the big ole town of William’s to find a place to eat our family Christmas Eve dinner. We found a Route 66 old gas station that has been turned into a restaurant to have our dinner. Just being in the small lazy town with all the decorations was very refreshing.
Old Route 66 Cafe
Wide view of cafe
We headed to the train station and waited to get on board The Polar Express. I knew from looking at the website and listening to others that Santa boards the train and gives each child a bell-the First Gift of Christmas. Because of what the story meant to us I was hoping that all of us would be able to receive a bell. I spoke with the cooks on board and was told that everyone would be receiving a bell and other special gifts because it was Christmas Eve. I was delighted to say the least that we all would be receiving a bell.
Getting tickets
Not ever train can be The Polar Express Train
The train pulls out of the station and the fun begins. The story of The Polar Express is read as hot large snicker doodle cookies are handed out along with hot chocolate. The hot chocolate is the right temperature, not too hot and not too cold. As we come into “Christmas Town” our attention is focused on the lights and all the buildings outside the window. Finally we see Santa and his sleigh packed down with gifts ready to fly away. We make a brief stop so we can head back the other way as Santa boards the train. He then gave all the kids the bell and his helpers gave all us adult kids our gift. It was a special Polar Express bell with a Christmas Eve ribbon on it attached to a Polar Express keychain that looks like the Conductors pocket watch. We all received Polar Express hot chocolate mugs as well. All too soon we were back at the station and it was time to go.
Large Snicker Doodle cookie
Gigi and Snookie look at their gifts from Santa
Special Christmas Eve bell and keychain
We just went back to the hotel room, everyone ended up in our room and just talked and relaxed. We planned to meet up for breakfast and then head back to the Valley. The hotel had a very good hot continental breakfast. Christmas morning breakfast was very special especially with a snookie in her princess sleeper. We packed up and decided to go back to the train station to spread Heather’s ashes.
Christmas Morning
Snookie at Christmas Day breakfast
When we arrived it wasn’t very hard to find the perfect spot; the “C” in Grand Canyon Railway, which stands for Coombe and Christmas Day. Bill dug a small little hole under and I got my baggie out and placed her ashes in the hole, pulled the dirt back over it and put the rocks on top of that. It was a very quiet moving moment. Then it was time for photos. Not like we will forget where the ashes are, just always get photos of our special places. I didn’t cry, it was just a very sober moment as we had just done something that Heather had always wanted to do and I felt sad that she never did the train ride. It felt good because there is a spot closer where we can go and remember her. It is different not to have a grave site for her. But I still do not want to have a marker in a cemetery somewhere. I will keep her with me until the last of the ashes have been placed. But it is very special to visit her special spots.
The special "C"
The whole sign
The rest of Christmas Day was very quiet once we returned home. Jenn, Bill and I had leftovers and watched a few movies. It felt very strange not to have cooked a big dinner and had all the smells and feelings of Christmas. I am not sure what is the right or wrong, good or bad for Christmas. Not that I want to forget, what I really want I can’t have, I want Heather back. I look at all the facebook photos of all the families enjoying their day and I am sad and jealous. That used to be me and my family. Now like I have said before I am looking thru the glass window into families and wishing I could have that too.

Many people do not like the idea of Santa and The Polar Express. We were that way once when the girls were really little. We never celebrated Santa, but in looking thru old photos I did manage to find several photos of the girls being little with Santa or the Easter Bunny. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal to me then either. The older I am getting the more I don’t really see the harm if you teach your children both; the true meaning of Christmas is Christ and what He did, but there also once was a St. Nickolas and he was a giving man.  I am not sure what it really hurts to allow kids to believe in princesses and power rangers but not in Santa and the Easter Bunny. It is all in the way you present and make the true focus in your household. Like I said, I am older and my views have changed on many, many things since our kids were little. Losing a child has a way of changing your views and ideas of life and things. Life is full of bad, horrible, evil, wicked things and I guess to allow a child to have fun and keep some innocence…I just don’t see the harm anymore. Olivia and Elisabeth knew the horrible side of life; living with cancer and transplants, and death at ages 8 and 12 respectively…having a ride on the Polar Express would not have hurt anything for them.  It may have given them a chance to forget about all the horrible things they were going thru. Snookie knows about Santa and the Easter Bunny and honestly I don’t see anything wrong with it. She says her prayers and she knows about God and Jesus. Harder than the Easter Bunny or Santa is trying to explain to a 3 year old why she can’t go see her Aunt Missy? Why doesn’t Aunt Missy come to visit? Why does Aunt Missy live in heaven with Jesus? She sees the photos of her and we talk about her all the time. That is so much harder to explain.

I would love to have some childlike wonder and magic back to look forward to the holidays and birthdays again. Like in the song Believe by Josh Groban that was used for The Polar Express. All too soon kids grow up and things change. I would give anything to be back in the days when the girls were younger and life was so much simpler. At the time it seemed very hard with 3 little ones, but I would give anything and everything to go back in time again.

Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling,
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away...
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight,
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way...
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe...just believe...just believe.

Does the bell still ring for you?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Teacups and Talismans...

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. 
there is something you must always remember:
you are braver than you believe, 
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think. 
But the most important thing is, even if we're apart..
I’ll always be with you.”*

MIMI-an endearing name for grandmother.

Many people have asked how I came up with the name Mimi, instead of Grandma or Nana. I actually never ever considered any other name other than Mimi. It sounds funny when people call me a grandma. I correct them sometimes and say no I am not a grandma, I am a Mimi. I thought I would share with you just how I came up with the name Mimi.

In April 1998, I listened to a one sided phone conversation between Jennifer S and her Mimi on the other end. It was during one of the most difficult times in their lives. I listened as Jennifer talked to her Mimi with such love. I decided at that moment I wanted to be a Mimi and have a grandchild love her Mimi as much as Jennifer loved hers. I had the honor of meeting the original Mimi on several occasions and she was a great and amazing lady. I hope that I bring the name Mimi as much grace and loveliness as she did.
First ride-August 1996
Teacup photo 10 years later-March 2006
I have the greatest privilege of being a Mimi to 3 babies right now and I hope to be adding another one soon. To hear a small voice call out and say “My Mimi” warms my heart beyond words. My Snookie sees me and runs to my arms, jumps on me and is saying Mimi, Mimi, Mimi the whole time. I get text messages that sweet Maggs wants a princess truck like Mimi and wants to come see Mimi. Maggs is very shy and I don’t get too many hugs from her yet…but I will keep working on it. I just need to see her more is all.
Heather and me on our last spin in the teacups-October -2007
A grand time spinning-October 2007
In October 2007 I rode the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party at Disneyland for the very last time with my Heather. It is a ride that she and I loved. We spent the time in the line picking out the teacup we wanted and out spinning technique. Yes there is a very special way to spin the very fastest. You have to sit opposite each other and go hand over hand for the maximum spinning power. In December 2008 Heather felt too sick from the chemo to attempt to ride the teacups.
Next time Snookie will be ready for some spinning
The spinner in the middle of the teacup
Promise you won't forget me, 
because if I thought you would, 
I'd never leave.*
Mimi and Snookie on our favorite ride
Mimi and Snookie's first ride on the first day
In September and again in December last year I stood and watched as many people enjoyed riding the teacups. I finally vowed that I would ride the teacups again only with my Snookie. I would teach her how to enjoy and spin the teacups with her Mimi. Imagine my surprise that she wanted to ride the teacups, just her and her Mimi. I did not spin the teacup and we just sat and enjoyed the ride. She said it was her favorite but you know how fickle an almost 3 year old can be. Imagine my surprise when we got off “It’s A Small World” and she asked for the teacups. I had not mentioned it to her it was her own idea. On our third trip to ride the teacups, her momma came with us. I asked Snookie if momma could ride with us. Snookie said, no, not today, she needs her own teacup. Her momma pouted and she said this was Snookie and Mimi’s ride. Total number of rides in the teacups was 5. Snookie kept asking to ride the teacups. Someday I hope to train her on how to spin the cups. I imagine Snookie and Mimi will have several years of spinning the cups before one day Snookie will have to stop so her 80 year old Mimi can ride with her.
Stationary teacup..only way we could get a good photo
self portrait on our 4th spin around the party
I could almost hear Heather laughing from Heaven as she watched us ride the teacups. I imagine her telling me way to go mom…you needed to ride this ride again and I am so happy it was with Violet. It was bittersweet to keep riding the teacups and I was simply amazed that she loved them so much. It is letting go and hanging on all at the same time. I also rode the King Arthur’s Carousel. I had not ridden that since we all rode it in December 2008.
The carsouel
"Pooh, promise me you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I am a hundred." said Christopher Robin
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine." Said Christopher Robin
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.*

When Heather got cancer we ordered 500 lime green cancer bracelets. Bill wore his till the day after the ball. When the sign came down his bracelet came off too. When Heather got sick again Bill put his bracelet back on and hasn’t taken it off since March 2009. While at our special Heather spot, Bill decided to take off his talisman and leave it there. Bill had thought about taking it off last time but he couldn’t do it. This time he took it off and placed it deep inside a fern bush. It is so well hidden that it was there for three days. I imagine it will be very hard to find and may be there for a long time. It was just one more thing to make the spot special and one more way to move forward while hanging onto the memories as well.
The fern in Heather's special spot
down at the base of this fern is Heather's bracelet
Bracelet still there-I am not sure anyone will find it really
If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, 
so I never have to live without you.*
*Pooh-isms from Winnie the Pooh by A.A.Milne