Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I Am...

Lineage-(noun) lineage descent from an ancestor;
            2. The line of descendants if a particular ancestor; family
Descent-properties attributable to your ancestry; extraction, origin
            2. Ancestry, lineage-inherited properties shared with others of your

So my  “lineage relatives” feel that I had no right to know that my mother died. I had no right to be included in her obituary and basically that I don’t exist. I have news for them, all of them, I DO EXIST! To their shame, horror or whatever I am the secret they want swept under the rug and never mentioned again. If I am not mentioned then I don’t exist; the whole “out of sight, out of mind” sort of thinking.

Regardless of how they feel or what they think, I DO EXIST and I AM THE DAUGHTER OF JANE! I cannot change the fact that I am her daughter and she is my mother. It isn’t just my 5 half siblings that deny the fact I am Jane’s daughter but so do all the rest of my relatives on Jane’s side. So I thought I would share with you just how many people ignore or look the other way or deny that Jane ever had a baby before she was married.

I am the granddaughter of George Edward Betsinger and Fern Weisbard Betsinger Wood.

I am the niece of George Betsinger, who died in 1985, Nancy his wife.
I am the niece of Bonnie Betsinger Cleveland and her husband Bill (deceased)
I am the niece of Clinton (Butch) Betsinger and his wife Pricilla
I am the niece of Judy Betsinger Mahnke Rumsey and her current husband Glen
I am the niece of James, (Jim) Betsinger and his wife Julie

I am the cousin of Christine Betsinger, her brother Jay Betsinger (1969-1970),  and her sisters Shawna, Melanie and Janel.
I am the cousin of William (Bill) Cleveland
I am the cousin of Michelle Betsinger and her siblings Douglas and Randy
I am the cousin of Charles (Charlie) Mahnke (1972-2017) and his brothers Jason and Brian
I am the cousin of Jill Betsinger and her brother Joel.

I am the sister of Lonnie Becker
I am the sister of LuAnn Becker
I am the sister of Linell Becker
I am the sister of LeEllen Becker
I am the sister of Karla Becker
I am an aunt to my siblings’ children

This is a list of the people who seem to forget the simple process of DNA and genetics. Regardless of how they feel about me I AM THEIR RELATIVE and I will be till my dying day. I cannot change this fact. They can deny me in my mother’s obituary and refuse to accept me as a relative but the simple fact that my mother gave me life ends the argument.

Jane stayed in Iowa till August, then she was sent to live with an Aunt and Uncle in Colorado for the remainder of her pregnancy.  Dr. Waldon Kurtz first saw Jane on August 20th. My mother went into labor at 38 weeks gestation and I was born at 10:39pm on September 1st. The cord was wrapped around my neck once; I weighted 7lbs and 2 ½ oz. and was 20 ½ inches long. There were no other children and no other pregnancies, I was the first one.
A portion of my birth certificate-Baby Girl Betsinger!!!
I am the ghost that my siblings, especially my sisters have lived with all their lives. They told me when we were speaking, that they always wondered why when they watched a show where a birth mother was reunited with her baby, Jane would tell them that if they got pregnant they would never be giving away a baby. They wondered why she would get emotional and say that every time…simple, she had done it. I have been a part of their family from before they were born and they never knew what it was; well it was me. It was me that was always in the back of her mind and it was me she talked about last year when she nearly died. Despite what my lineage relatives think I have always been a part of my mother’s life from the moment I was conceived. Because if I was not in her heart, mind and thoughts then that makes her an evil, heartless woman and according to her children and her obituary that isn’t who Jane was…

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Death of My Mother...

BIOLOGICAL MOTHER: Biological mother for humans, as in other mammals, occurs when a pregnant female gestates a fertilized ovum, or egg. Gestation occurs in the woman’s uterus until the baby is sufficiently developed enough to be born and then the woman experiences labor and gives birth.

Mother noun
1.   A female parent
1.   To care for; to protect
Motherhood noun
1.   The state of being a mother
Motherless adjective
1.   Having no mother
Motherly adjective
1.   Like a mother; or suitable to be a mother

Mothers are supposed to be faithful companions and confidants in the most difficult of circumstances that their children find themselves in. All their children not just some of their children. Most mothers dedicate their lives to caring and providing for their children both physically and emotionally. During the hardest trials and times of a child’s life they always look to return to the loving caring arms of a mother.

“A mother’s arms are more comforting that anyone else’s.”
~Princess Diana

My mother, Jane, and I had a very distant and non-existent relationship. During the most difficult time of my life, when my daughter, my child, my flesh and blood had cancer I turned to my mother for love and support. What I wanted was for her to fly out here and hug me, to support me and tell me everything would be okay. But that didn’t happen. NO, I never asked, but I should not have had to ask. My sisters emailed me and asked me not to leave mom out that she didn’t know what to do. So, that is understandable since we had a strained relationship. How could I expect her to fly to see a daughter she had never visited before and a sick granddaughter she didn’t know?

When Heather threw a blood clot to her brain, I thought that was the worst and most scary day of my life. When things calmed down I called my mother looking for comfort, love and encouragement. She was not home and I left my number; as of today nearly 3,214 days later I am still waiting for that call from my mother. Of course we became estranged again during my daughter, her granddaughter’s cancer treatments. However, when Heather was in ICU everything that happened in the past didn’t matter anymore. Heather, my mother’s granddaughter, was dying and still nothing. Jane, my mother, had a granddaughter die and she never called or attempted to come to her funeral. There is a statement that says you can miss a birthday or even a wedding, but no one misses a funeral. It is seen as socially unacceptable. To me, this was unacceptable on any and all levels of basic human nature and caring.

So why then when I learned on Wednesday, 15th that my mother died on Sunday, 12th was I shocked and brought to tears. No, no sibling called me, as I am sure they felt I had no right to know. Well, regardless of anything that happened Jane is, was and always will be my mother. Period, end of story. I was her first baby, the first one to grow inside her body. It is a proven fact that the baby’s DNA or genetic material remains with the mother inside her body for the rest of her life. I know that during my mother’s illness last year that she did talk about me. I know this may be a very hard fact for my siblings, especially my sisters, to understand but I was probably never, ever out of my mother’s thoughts.

With the death of my mother, my dreams of a foolish child of ever having a loving mother came to an end. For 51 years I have kept the na├»ve thought that maybe one day my mother and I could have a relationship. Well, one day is gone forever. My mother’s obituary did not mention me, her 3 additional granddaughters or 3 additional great granddaughters. It did not mention the fact that Heather, her granddaughter, preceded her in death. It was a list of all her good works and deeds in a boastful bragging manner and sang her praises as the most loving and caring mother and grandmother the world had even known. “She loved spending as much time as she could with her family, in particular, her grandchildren. Jane never missed an activity that her children and grandchildren were involved in.”

Except for fighting cancer and dying for her granddaughter, Heather, when she was nowhere to be found. Except for the endless hours of doctors appointments, hospitals, shots and chemo that I, her daughter, dealt with for 6 months and then the final 33 days in ICU, when she was nowhere to be found. My sisters think that I am far away from their thoughts as well, but I promise every time they see a bruise or a swollen lymph node they think of me and they think it could happen to them too.

During the last almost 8 years since my beautiful Heather died I have had no mother to comfort me, to hug me or allow me to cry with her. While I have had other people fill this role, it doesn’t excuse the longing for the woman who gave birth to me to hold me and shed tears that her granddaughter died. I am saddened by the death of my mother. For 51 years I have lived without a loving mother and now my sisters can share and live the rest of their lives without a loving mother as well.