This time last year, I was working and training for the Tinkerbell 10K. I can say this was one event to cross off the bucket list as I ran and finished this race. Shortly after this event in May, my health went downhill fast. It took several blood tests and doctors to figure out that I have Fibromyalgia. Yes, me, of all people. I will be honest, that in the past like 20 years, I thought this was a made-up illness for women to get out of doing things, mostly pastor's wives. Of course research has come a long way and they now know that the brain does not process pain correctly. I was predisposed to having Fibro as I have inherited insomnia plus restless legs. People with one of these issues has a 90% chance of developing Fibro, but I was blessed with two conditions that could lead to this. My bio-mother has an auto immune disorder, alopecia. So all these things, plus PTSD, added up together, gave me a huge risk of getting an auto immune disorder.
The events of April, 2008-April, 2009 gave me an altered life and PTSD. This event jump started me into Fibromyalgia, I just didn't know it. I had actually been giving the diagnosis of Fibro in December, 2011 by my dermotologist I just missed it somehow. Fast forward to August, 2015 and I was in a Fibro flare for 3 months. I am learning to manage and deal with my fatigue and the days that I simply don't feel good for no reason. This is very hard for me as I am a very busy person. I am using prescription medications along with herbal supplements and massage to help. I also am continuing to exercise and try to stay very active. I built a home gym in one of our extra rooms so that I can workout when I want to. I am loving my Bowflex Treadclimber and dumbbell weight set.
|New home gym|
Now not only do I celebrate Heather's birthday each December 10th, but I now have a grief anniversary. This is a continuing, involuntary holiday where my whole body marks. My heart breaks over and over and over and over and I get no say in the matter at all. My life makeover was without my consent. Most people feel the grieving is all about the big holidays; Easter, birthdays, family events or Christmas. However, the shocking truth is that "death day" is much more brutal and devastating and these days seem to come at an alarmingly fast rate.
|Heather bunny, cancer ribbon necklace and the light that burns for 33 days|
Grief brings unwanted housewarming gifts and doesn't care that I don't want them. I am forced to face that for no reason I just do not feel good and fall apart at the drop of a dime. I have a box of emotions that for the most part I am able to keep the lid shut and tightly locked. Sometimes, I am able to open the lid, let a small amount of tears out and then I am able to close the lid shut again. Other times I fight my hardest but cannot shut the lid. All the emotions and tears stored in the box spill out over and over and I cannot force the lid shut until everything is gone. Then, when I am emotional drained I can shut and lock the lid and once again I am in control.
As this time of year rolls around I am forced to realize my inability to control my moods and emotions. It is incredibly mind numbing when in these moments I realize after almost seven years I am not the same person I used to be. I have had a chronic injury to my soul and heart that will not ever heal. Unlike Fibromyalgia, there is no pill or supplement I can take to help heal this hurt. It is a sobering feeling to know that I have been altered internally as well as physical and emotionally. Death interrupted my plans, my future, rewrote my relationships and my whole world.
|One of Heather's Senior photos-2005|