Messing With My Mind...

I was working out at the gym today in the big room and had to have my earbuds with music instead of the big movie playing. I love working out to the fast upbeat songs and usually change the music if it is too slow. For some reason Josh Groban’s song, To Where You Are came on and I didn’t change it. I turned it up and played it twice. I could really hear the words and in that moment I was brought to tears on the treadmill. I was overwhelmed with feelings of Heather and great sadness. Good thing I was dripping sweat so no one could tell tears from sweat. Memories and grief hit at the oddest times and for not much reason. I know I have written a blog with this song before but I feel it needs to be shared again. Read the words and listen to the music.

Heather's 3rd Birthday-1990

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear…

This year feels different. This was supposed to be the 5^th year of being cancer-free. Blood cancer patients are declared cancer-free after 5 years of clear scans and blood work. This was supposed to be our 5^th year and be a huge relief. Instead well, Heather died being in remission which is very difficult to take. We were all under the false sense of security that the hard part was over. She had breezed thru treatments and the maintenance chemo was to be a free ride. Well, we were blind as we survived the easy part and the hardest part was ahead of us. We didn’t make it very far. This 5^th year is very difficult for me to come to grips with all “the what ifs” and “should have beens.” This is messing with my mind.
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above…

The dates on the calendar are very close to the way they were in 2008. Easter was on March 30^th that year. Early just like this year. Then all the dates coming at me so fast, biopsy, phone call, Bill’s new job, and diagnosis day. The dates are one day apart from where they were in 2008. Next year the dates will fall exactly like they did in 2008. The calendar doesn’t have to tell me what time of year it is. My body knows without the dates staring at me. The waiting, wondering and then sheer terror of what this time meant in 2008. This is messing with my mind.
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are…

I would give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have to see Heather’s smile one more time. To know she was here and I could touch her or talk to her. It seems like it has been eternity since I have talked or seen Heather. I don’t mean sick either, I want to see her smiling and laughing and healthy. Heaven doesn’t have a cell phone or texting plan. My heart hurts to see my Heather, to touch her, tell her I love her and hug her one more time. This is messing with my mind.
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen…

Imagine your child that you dearly love and have sacrificed everything in your life for is suddenly gone. You have protected and cared for that child for many, many years and suddenly you can’t see them, talk to them, touch them, hear them or have any contact at all with them. Think back as a parent when your kids were toddlers, did they ever get away from you? Someplace not far, but where you could not see or hear them; do you remember the terror in your gut at that moment? looking all around to find your missing child, searching and your panic building more and more. Remember how it felt to find them and feel so relieved that you were not sure if you wanted to hug them for being safe or spank them for wondering off? (I call this the hug and spank) Now imagine not finding your child. They are just suddenly GONE!! This is messing with my mind.
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above…

Disneyland December-2003

Now imagine your adult child that is married and has a family of their own. You have joyful memories of their wedding, family events and the birth of your grandchildren; this added blessing of grandchildren that you love more than your own life. You just spent Easter with them; dyed Easter eggs and had a great family gathering. You love holding that new granddaughter or grandson, watching them grow and learn more and more each day. Then the wonderful day your grandchild calls you Mimi, or Nana, or Grammy, etc. Looking forward to years of happy times taking them to Disneyland, or having sleepovers. All the fun things that grandparents get to do to spoil their grandchildren. Now imagine no grandchildren, no wedding, no holidays, because your child died four years ago…This is messing with my mind
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave…

To Where You Are~Josh Groban

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTdqdOC2DtI