When I Get Where I'm Going...

When I get where I'm going
On the far side off the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly…

The hope of every parent is that their child be healthy, happy and live a long life. To the family that believes in God, Jesus or heaven, the final goal is to someday be reunited with all their loved ones, including their children in Heaven. Heaven is our family’s goal. When I die I want to be with the lambs and not with the goats on judgment day. I want to see Heather first and foremost when I arrive at the gate.
I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain…

Holy week and Easter, 2009, had such hope and promise of an expected miracle. I had prayed for healing, as everyone else that was praying had asked for. I just didn’t realize that it meant Heather would have to go to Heaven for complete healing to take place. Sometimes, unfortunately God answers prays for healing by allowing that loved one to die to be whole again. I would not want Heather to live with fear and doubt for the rest of her life wondering if cancer would come back. Her lungs were so damaged she would have had to have a double lung transplant. I am not sure that Heather would have ever been my Heather again if she had survived.
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
I will she'd the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here…

 

There is no expiration date for my feelings of grief. Just because it is nearly been 4 years does not mean that Easter is a great holiday now. I can say that I totally understand that meaning and symbolic reason for Easter. I am also very thankful that my Savior died and rose again the 3^rd day. BUT…I do not like Easter then, I do not like Easter now, I do not like it anything that has to do with Easter. It is a holiday that for 2 years was nothing but worry and wonder as to if Heather would survive. Two years in a row at Easter. Imagine how that family feels that lost their loved ones on Christmas Eve because of a car crash. I think they have a right to feel Christmas is a terrible holiday. Honestly, Easter is no different for me. The holiday is a reminder of a not so distant past that was filled with horrible experiences.
I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck…

 

Losing a loved one is horrible. I have said before that losing a child is the worst kind of loss there is. A pastor told us, “That he could get another wife, we couldn’t get another daughter.” Now, some of you will get bent that I am saying that losing a spouse is easy. Nope, that is not what I said. As horrible as losing a spouse of 1 year or 50 years would be, after the grieving has subsided some the opportunity for love may present itself again. The grieving spouse may be able to find a new and different kind of happiness with a new wife or husband. Their life will still feel the loss but they have a new love and some happiness. I was thinking the other day and there are three loved ones that cannot be replaced; the older child or adult that has lost their mother or father and the loss of a child of any age. You can have a step parent but that isn’t your mom or dad. Having another baby does not replace the one that was lost. It may add to the family but it will never replace the child who died, PERIOD!!!
So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do...

I have no answers to much of anything. Why Heather got cancer? Why did she breeze thru 8 rounds of chemo and stay in remission? Why did her lungs get damaged? Why did we have to spend 33 days in ICU? Why did she have to be on a vent? Why did she suffer so much? Why do I still cry? Why does my heart still hurt? Will I ever feel better again? Will a day go by when I don’t think about Heather? 

 But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm goin
Oh When I get where I'm goin
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going...

First Plane Flight-2002

When I get Where I'm going~Brad Paisley With Dolly Parton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4 2