Memories...

Memories,
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?

Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...

The Way We Were ~ Barbra Streisand

Memories have really been hitting me in the face hard this week. I think it is because of the time of year that it is. I am heading into “that time” of the year. I cannot stop time or the calendar from changing and for the last 3 years I cannot my heart, mind and memories from going back to “that time”. Spring and Easter also help to remind me of what time of year it is. Baseball, Spring Training, Spring Break from school and Easter all are being talking about and everyone is excited. All the stores have all the Easter things out. From the yummy marshmallow peeps to the jelly beans to the stuffed Easter bunnies, Easter is everywhere around me.

God gave us memories that we might have roses in December.

~J.M. Barrie, Courage, 1922

I try not to look at bunnies. But they call to me. For 21 years I always was on the lookout for bunnies and bunny stuff. Many years I bought bunny plates and napkins for a birthday party in December for Heather. It is very difficult to find bunnies in December. The most special bunny ever is of course the TY Heather bunny. I wonder sometimes if people still have their Heather bunnies I gave them. Do they look at them and think of Heather and smile? I was recently sent two different photos of Heather bunnies and the way they made a difference to those people. 

 My sister-in-law, Bea, placed Heather bunny on her pink Christmas tree this past December. She told me it just felt right to have the bunny there.

 Next was one of Heather’s friend’s Shyla’s little girl playing in the blankets with Heather bunny. She has curly hair and for a moment she almost looked like a young Heather. It is nice to see Heather bunny being loved and a little girl’s laughter over playing.

This past week I went to an antique store to kill some time while my oil was being changed in the truck. As I walked around and looked at everything I noticed a basket full of old photos. They were beautiful wedding photos that were no longer remembered so they were placed into a basket and gotten rid of. It made me stop and think of what will become of all of Heather’s photos and baby books. When I die will Jenn and Wendy want them? Or at that point will Heather have been gone so long that they just don’t know what to do with it so into a pile they go. I sat down and read her baby book. I probably should not have done that. I was transported back to her being a baby and all the memories flooded back and made me happy and very sad. Heather was such a cuddly baby. Anytime I picked her up she snuggled into us. I miss that about her. I have decided that Heather’s baby book and journal I kept for her are going to be cremated with me. It answers the question of what do I do with this stuff. I don’t want these items in an antique store someday for others to read.

Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us. 

~Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"

All that remains of Heather is memories. Her photos will fade as will all her other treasures and my memories and other people’s memories will be all that will remember that once upon a time there was a princess named Heather and she lived. I LOVE talking about memories of Heather. I don’t get the opportunity to do that very often. It makes most people uncomfortable. Memories can be a touch, a smell, a smile, etc…never more known than when Angie came to visit. Angie for no reason would come play with hair…that was such a Heather thing to do. To the world it was not big deal, but to me it moved my heart and brought back sweet, sweet memories.

To live in hearts we leave behind
is not to die. ~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

Of course I had figure out what month Easter was in. This made a difference as to the cemetery decorations. If it was in April then March would have been green for St. Patrick’s Day. Of course there had to be bunnies and pink. The final touch was a pair of pink bunny ears placed in the flowers. The first year anniversary of burying Heather is coming. Why do all these dates matter? I don’t know. It makes me feel like Heather is here and that she lived. For April I am doing butterflies…

Heading into the 4^th year since Heather died is unreal. In many ways it feels like it just happened and in other ways it feels like forever. Forever since I help her, forever since I heard her voice, forever since she walked into the kitchen. So much in the house and in my life has changed. For me everything is done with a thought as to what would Heather think?…What would Heather say? To me time stands still and the world moves forward. I wonder how many still think about Heather. They have moved on, gotten married and started families. That is how life works and as it should be. But it doesn’t mean it is any easier for me.

I would rather have Heather here, but if I can’t have that then I will survive on the memories that I have. While they will never ever be enough, it will have to suffice till I see her again in Heaven.  

  

The two offices of memory are collection and distribution.  ~Samuel Johnson