Baby, why'd you leave
me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe...
It's like I'm, looking from a distance,
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe...
It's like I'm, looking from a distance,
standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream…
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream…
Tomorrow, or today by
the time I get this written, will be March 19. So, big deal, nothing
significant about the date it is not the first day of spring, not Easter and
not St. Patrick’s Day. It is an average every day kind of day…to the rest of
the world. To me, it begins the beginning of my horror story that continues to
haunt me every day. The day one of my worst fears came true…Heather had a
fever, not just any run of the mill fever, but 105. She would continue to run a
fever of some degree for the next 33 days. The green single light will shine in
Heather’s room window till April 20. To signify the last 33 days of her life.
Spring is a time of
life renewing but to me it is nothing but a huge reminder of life being sucked
away. As much as I try I can’t pretend that everything is just fine during this
time of year. I would love to look forward to spring and Easter with joy and
anticipation, but I can’t and don’t know that I ever will be able to. Whether I
know the date or not my body knows the time of year. I have begun not sleeping
good, having a hard time going to sleep, or waking up and not able to go back
to sleep.
The weirdest thing
about this year is I have begun dreaming. Because of the Ambien I take I don’t
dream usually. These dreams are not simple running thru fields of flower
dreams, but really odd dreams that continue after I wake up and go back to
sleep. First one I had was about my Daddy, Jim, right before I went to
Farmington. I thought ok it has to do with me going to Farmington. But now I
have had 2 more. One involved a dear friend and I was helping him thru texting
and FaceTime bake and decorate a cake. Second one involved someone’s mom I have
never met and we were baking pies for a charity event. I wake up, toss around,
go back to sleep and continue the dream where I left off. I know these are not
bad dreams, just really different and involving random things and people. I
hope they stay on the light and weird and don’t change to dark and weird.
The preacher man said
let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up
and sang the saddest song that she ever
heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart…
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart…
Heading into the
first anniversary of Heather’s death I did have a nightmare. It was so real
that I woke up in a panic. Heather was in ICU but she was awake and getting
better. I was so thrilled to see her awake and I went to get the nurse. When I
came back she was gone. I could hear her calling me down the hallway and I ran
to find her but could never find her no matter how fast I ran or how hard I
looked. I haven’t had any other nightmares about Heather other than the real
ones that we lived. Yes these real life events still haunt my mind if it gets
too quiet for too long.
.JPG)
It doesn’t matter how
much time goes by, nothing will ever be the same again. Every holiday, every
family get-together, every wedding and birth of a baby have been changed
forever. There is always someone missing from these events. Heather, her
husband and all her kids should have been at all these events. Our family had
Wendy and Sunnie’s wedding in October and then Jenn and Paz in February. We can
all get busy with planning the events and try to forget, but the day of the
event especially a wedding where Heather was to be both girl’s Maid of Honor,
we are all reminded that she is missing. This was never hit more home than Jenn
walking with Bill right before the wedding and passing the memorial table she
had placed for Heather. The tears began to fall, everything for one moment
came to stop and we all shared a family moment of Heather being missing for yet
another event.
.JPG) |
| tears of remembrance |
.JPG) |
| hugs of comfort |
 |
| a shared private moment-Bill is trying to add some humor..lol |
I know it seems that
in time as we add son-in-laws and new grand babies that maybe she will go
unnoticed. Well, that won’t ever happen. Forever our family has a spot that was
once filled by Heather. Her spot can never be filled again. No one can replace
her. Whether an actual pause to remember or just a stare for a moment, Heather
will forever be missing. I do know where she is I just cant see her or visit
with her.
.JPG) |
| Our "new" family |
Baby, why'd you leave
me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance,
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance,
standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream…
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream…
~Just A Dream~Carrie Underwood
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