7-Day Forecast

7 Day Forecast-

Today was sunny, but heading into tomorrow there will be clouds of emotions hiding the sun. The following day strong winds will begin driving against me and they will be cold and brutal as memories blow thru my mind. The next few days will be filled with heavy rain, or are those tears? A possible hurricane of emotions could exist. This will beat against me, taking my strength, my sanity and stealing the rainbow I once had. There could be a chance of beating hail at my body and mind as I am worn, tired and screaming for some rest. This weather will continue night and day for the next few days. A tornado of outburst emotions could be pop up during the next few days. After this bad weather I will see the bright sun come out for a few days but the 52 week forecast looks much the same as this week. Unexpected storms at any time and completely out of the blue.

 The stormy season has hit once again. It really does not matter how hard I try not to allow it is mess with my heart and mind, it just simply does. I cannot help it. I don’t like and I certainly wish it would go away and never come back. But I also realize this is my time to remember Heather, her struggle and her life, more so now than any other time of the year. March and April are so messed up with emotions and mixed years between cancer and ICU that it just plays on every part of my life right now.

I recently read a story explaining what it was like to live day to day with an ongoing illness. It was explained with spoons and the taking away of spoons till you have nothing left. It was very good to read. I thought I would try to explain what a day in my life is like at this time of the year. But as hard as I try, it will never get the full meaning of what I am going thru. You can only know it if you live it.

Nope, not kidding, even my yogurt tells me

Imagine that you are a battery, once you were fully charged and full of life and energy. So today, Thursday, I woke up fully drained. I have no charge. There is no reason to get out of bed. I sleep and toss and turn as minutes turn to hours and soon the morning is almost gone. I decide to get up and get dressed. This is a huge accomplishment in itself. If this is all I did for the day it was a good day. Wash my face, comb and fix my hair and put on my shoes.

Once I am dressed then comes the tough choice of staying home to eat or go out somewhere to eat alone. If I decide to go out what else can or will I do? Do I have errands to do, something to return, the bank or shopping that should get done? Eating lunch will be the charge I need to make it thru the rest of the day. Right now I am running on no charge and don’t feel like doing anything. Nothing sounds good to eat except all the bad stuff that I shouldn’t and won’t eat. Of course it is easy to eat the cheeseburger and fries and why not wash it down with an ice cream cone. Of course this is mostly empty calories and I will be hungry in a few hours again for more carbs. Making the healthy choice is so much harder to do.

Lunch has come and gone and it wasn’t that bad. I text with a few people, checked my email and Facebook. Now what to do for the afternoon. If I stay at home, the memories and quiet will begin to drain me. I will get depressed, tired and want to eat or sleep. If I get busy with something I will be ok. Hum, let me see, I can always go thru Heather’s things and get rid of more things. That is no draining at all. Going down memory lane knowing that is all I have left of my Heather.

vintage Holly Hobbies to be treasured out...

So I decide to leave. I can go to Target and look around. Hey it is spring and Easter is here so I can look at all the Easter candy and bunnies. I can see all the Easter clothes and shoes. I could go to Kohl’s where Heather worked for 3 years. Well, how about the mall, I could just go kill time looking at nothing specific. Oh wait, Hallmark has Easter, then there is the makeup and perfume counters that Heather loved so much. Or the best of all Victoria’s Secret or Bath and Body Works, both Heather loved and worked there. Everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of Heather.

Heather's 3 treasured Holly Hobbies-still kept

tag of Heather's Holly Hobbies

I can go visit the cemetery, to Heather’s spot. I can stand in a grassy field and look at my 21 year old daughter’s name on a bronze marker and know that she is gone forever and never ever coming back again. I can dust the marker off and make sure all her treasures are still there and just right. I can also walk around and look at other graves and see the ones that have just died and have been buried recently. It is very peaceful out there and I do find comfort.

new room...Holly Hobbie...1990

 Now I am down to the last hour or so before Bill comes home. This is when I begin to think what is for dinner. Do we eat in or go out? If we go out where do we go? Here again it is easier to eat something really bad such as Cheesecake Factory or Red Robin instead of KFC grilled chicken. If I decide to cook then the question is what do I fix and do I have everything I need. For right now many of our meals come from the Schwans truck. They have the best fish, veggies, etc. I see nothing wrong with using them like Fresh and Easy or the freezer section at the grocery store. Yes, my meals are healthy with a high protein, low carbs and lots of veggies. Then if I cook, I have to have the energy to put the leftovers away and clean the kitchen. 

Most evening right now and in the past include going to the gym. If I didn’t have a reason to go during the day I really need to go at night. Finding the energy to change and go is very hard to do. I do this for many reasons, to stay fit, to burn calories but more importantly to remind me of how far I have come in two years with losing weight and that I don’t want to fall back in to eating and not exercising. I have learned that if I exercise during this time of the year regularly it helps me get thru. It doesn’t take it away, but it helps. Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy. In my case they help me not be so sad and depressed. All the remaining energy I have has been spent on circuit, abs and treadmill. (When I workout, I workout!!!)

Me...not too bad...

Just about 10pm for some odd reason my battery gets completely recharged to full power and I am ready to go. I am no longer sleepy or tired. I am ready to anything and everything but go to bed. I know that it is because of the demons that come out to haunt my mind and sleep at night. I take Ambien every night and I am not ashamed, nor will I stop taking it. I have a nightly routine that has to be followed pretty closely or I cannot go to sleep. I wash my face, brush my teeth, take my pill and spray my perfume. Then I get my ZEN that is playing my current book series (either Harry Potter or Twilight). I then go into the bathroom and relax. I listen to my ZEN and surf on my ipad. This goes on till I get sleepy. Some nights this comes quickly and other nights I have to take additional meds to get sleepy. I crawl into bed about 1am. This is much better than the 3am it was when Heather first died.

AHHHHHH sleep what a restful thing. Right? Well, no!! I sleep hard till about 3:30am. Then I get up and down, and toss and turn. Some nights I can go back to sleep and other nights I am awake till about 5am. As the sun begins to come up, my battery finally is dead and I am ready to sleep well. Some mornings I dream my really weird dreams and other mornings I just sleep. I begin to wake up at 10am…to start the day all over again. 

14 treasures to find new homes...

Treasures ready to go...

 This really doesn’t begin to describe the ho hum feeling that I have all day long. The feeling of being bored, I have nothing to do and not wanting to do anything. The feeling of I don’t want to go anywhere but yet don’t want to be at home. It is a restless, not content feeling. Then if I do decide to go thru Heather’s stuff it only gets worse from there. The memories come flooding back. All the things that she kept and I have no idea what to do with them. Many items I have to rip off like a band-aid for my own good. Many things that she loved and treasured the most I just cannot part with. I am making progress and found homes for 14 treasures that Heather loved. I hope the new homes love them the way she did. I have to send them off and let go. What happens to them then is out of my hands. I  just hope that people don’t feel I have lost my mind.

Much simpler times...

When I woke up this morning
Wiped the sleep from my eyes
Found a new day dawning
And suddenly I realize
You're gone...