Mornings.....

The house is quiet. Only the sound of the refrigerator humming quietly breaks the silence. The screen door to the glass sliding door is shut adding darkness to the house. The sun is up but covered by some hazy clouds. Everything looks different. The light is low like in the evening, but the look and glow is different.

Morning glow on Cinderella Castle in Disney World

 When the girls were little babies, 6 am seemed to be the time for good morning. I never have been a morning person, but would greet the morning and the babies with sleepy eyes and a tired body in those early years. Not that I didn’t enjoy morning and afternoon naptime a great deal.

As babies got older and began school, they enjoyed sleeping in a bit more. I often wonder why school needs to begin so early in the morning. I don’t believe anyone is ready to learn about past tense in verbs or the area of a square at 7:50 in the morning. That is why I enjoyed home schooling so much. We all slept in and began school at about 10am instead.

Baby Pea up bright and early-7 months old

 I love the look of sleepy little girls early in the morning. Their voices are deep from not drinking or talking. The back of their hair is a bit scruffy as they had a good sleep. Watching TV in their nightgowns or favorite sleepers. As I yawn and try to get awake I remember how lucky I am to be in the life of a little girl or 3 other little girls from a long time ago.

For as fond as the memories may be the ones that seem to pop into my head are 
not so good memories of morning. I realized this when I got up to go to Hallmark early in the morning for the ornament premiere. There is now a feel about morning. I see the light and hear the silence and it makes me sick. Everyone is sleeping and the light and sounds are eerie. Everything looks different. The light is low like in the evening, but the look and glow is different.

I am reminded of the hospital where I stayed for a minimum of 5 days every 21 days for 6 months. They say that anything you do for about 10 days becomes a habit. This was for much longer than that. I would wake in the hospital, as the light of daybreak would flood the window of the room. Even though the blinds were drawn, it could not hide the realization that this was the hospital room of my nightmares. I would quietly get up, go into Heather’s private bathroom to dress in the dark with the clothes I had laid out the night before. I would make my bed back into the chair and fold all the bedding. As I quietly picked up my toiletries, put on my shoes, I would take one more look at the sleeping beauty in the bed before I quietly headed down to the waiting room bathroom.

Heather, Jenn and Wendy-Salt River Canyon 1997

I had signs on the door so that no one would come wake us when shift change began at 7am. There were also signs on the door that no one was to come into the room during the night to empty trash. Why they do this at night is beyond me. All the nursing staff and aides knew that they did not dare go into our room until they saw that I was up and about. This was usually about 9am for me. Of course I had already had Dr. Fastenberg come in, give Heather a check over and he has told me the plan for the day. Heather was not in the best of moods either and would be very grumpy as they asked her questions. Doctors that have a practice outside of the hospital make rounds very early before they have to get to their offices. I could rise out of the bed and have a coherent conversation, ask questions and take notes the second I heard that door open. Then I would go back to sleep for a few hours.

Our routine began again to some extent when Heather went back into the hospital in March 2009. Only this time we had 4 doctors and I had to keep on track of all the different things they were saying and doing. The mornings I remember the most is when we were moved to ICU. Even though it was for a shorter time, it sticks in my memory the most. That Sunday morning when I was awakened with the words she is being moved to ICU stat. I began packing my stuff as a terrified Heather stared in shock and cried. The staff on 6 allowed me to leave my things and go with Heather. I was able to come back to get all the stuff after she was settled.

The rules in ICU are much more different. I was required to leave at 7am for shift change. Usually this was when I would come back and Heather would be shaken to her core. She had doctors’ come in and x-rays done during this time. She was not good at being left along in this scary place. She may have been 21 but she was a scared child.  For a few days I left and came home for the hour and returned at 8am. The earth looked the same then as it does now. A very cruel reminded of those days. The house is quiet. Only the sound of the refrigerator humming quietly breaks the silence. The screen door to the glass sliding door is shut adding darkness to the house. The sun is up but covered by some hazy clouds. Everything looks different. The light is low like in the evening, but the look and glow is different.

Heather fishin' in Springerville~1997

Wendy was downstairs with a tiny baby pea one morning when I came home. Wendy was sleeping and pea was in her play crib. Pea was not sleepy. As it had been a long time since I had brought a baby into bed with me, I scooped her up and went to wake up Papa. He was sleeping in my bed as to help Wendy with pea during the night. I crawled into bed a placed pea next to Papa. He woke up immediately. We talked about what had happened during the night and played with a very smiley little pea. It was a very special and good moment in the midst of all the crap going on.

Another morning when I returned Heather was beside herself in tears. She was so upset. She had doctors, nurses and xrays and she was scared to death. I decided that would be the last morning I left ICU, rules or no rules. I talked to the clinical manager and told her I would be staying from now on. I put my foot down that I would not be leaving anymore. The only rule was that I just had to stay in the room during this time. All the doctors come during this time and I might overhear something about a patient I was not supposed to hear. Trust me, everyone in ICU just about hears the same thing.

Disneyland March 2007-Whole family rides Indiana Jones

When Heather was placed on the vent, I left to sleep at home during the nights. I would awaken at about 6:30am, quickly dress in a silent house with no light and very little noise. I then quietly went downstairs and left. My morning routine was to stop at McDonald’s and get a sausage McGriddle and a huge diet coke. I did this every morning for weeks. As I would leave I would notice that the house is quiet. Only the sound of the refrigerator humming quietly breaks the silence. The screen door to the glass sliding door is shut adding darkness to the house. The sun is up but covered by some hazy clouds. Everything looks different. The light is low like in the evening, but the look and glow is different.

  Even now, 2 ½ years later, early mornings still feel the same. It is very difficult to explain and describe the feelings I have. It is very difficult for me to go to McDonald’s and order my usual. The feel and smell and look of everything is the same. Even though time has moved on, this for me is not changing. The only time that mornings are not as difficult is when I am at Disneyland. Mornings there are filled with excitement and fun. Nothing is the routine there. The light is low like in the evening, but the look and glow is different. I can see the Disneyland sign and for a few mornings, getting up early is ok.