It Is Okay To Remember...

Disney's signature mousse dessert

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever be faced with the anguish of how to celebrate my child’s birthday after she died. But it still happened to me just as this tragic event has happened to 1000’s of parents this year alone. Oddly enough there are no instructions nor do we talk about how to do this. I have never been in the bathroom and overhear a conversation on how they went to the cemetery to celebrate Suzi’s birthday last week, or how some friends joined alongside and they all had a cupcake party at Jimmy’s grave. We as people do not talk about such things in nice circles of friends. A child’s death is like having gas, a hemorrhoid, a drug addict relative or any other such unmentionable things that are not talked about in groups of nice people. I have news for everyone having a child die happens in rich or poor, nice or mean, famous or non-famous households. Add the fact that I want to honor or remember my child’s birthday after her death and I get looked at as if I need a strait jacket and to be hauled away to the funny farm.

Sleeping Beauty Castle

Since I survived Heather’s first birthday after her death in deep seclusion, I have decided that I can celebrate and remember her birthday. Remembering the day of her birth represents the fact that my love for her can never be broken—not even by her death. I do prepare myself that there will be tears on this day. I don’t wake up stating that okay I will cry from 10:00-10:30 and then be finished. The tears come when they want and I cannot control the time or place. I know it sounds a bit absurd, but I already know that I am going to cry and that is okay. I remember past birthdays, I recollect and think about the good birthdays that are now nothing but memories that I cherish deeply. Sometimes I have allowed a light to burn in the window for an entire 24 hours.

Sherry at our spot

There is no right or wrong way to remember Heather’s birthday the point is that she was born, she lived and the she died. She was here and a person of great importance to me. This year like last year we went to Disneyland just Bill and I. It seems to give me great comfort to be at the very place that she loved so so much. It also had more sentiment in the fact that she spent her last birthday at Disneyland. The park and castle were absolutely stunning like always. Disney is magical normally but add the Christmas magic and it is beyond words.

Handpainted bottle-Hypnotic Secret

I did just fine for the most part, had a few moments when I could not speak after riding The Little Mermaid ride in California Adventure. No, Heather never experienced this ride, but she did play a mermaid for her very first ballet recital and the music was the song Under The Sea. Being at Disneyland is not about the rides for me, while those are nice, it is about the atmosphere, the memories and just being away. Later in the afternoon I headed back to Disneyland to get my perfume bottle I had ordered when we first arrived. I also saved Walk Thru Sleeping Beauty Castle for her birthday. Of course the perfume bottle was stunning—Pam does such a beautiful job for me all the time. Then while Bill took my shopping back to the hotel I went to the castle by myself. I walk, watch and listen to the music. It is very emotional and moving for me. Especially when I see Aurora laid out sleeping in her blue dress. I cannot help but see my Heather laid out in her blue dress. I did have a point where I was crying and I could not talk for about an hour. (This is that cry that I cannot explain—the cry where talking makes me cry more but I cannot utter a word)

SteakHouse 55

 We had a beyond enjoyable and lovely dinner at SteakHouse 55. We had never been there and it was pomp, grace and old fashioned service all in one magical place. It is based on 1955 Walt Disney. The décor was amazing but the food was some of the most delicious food I have ever tasted. I did explain to the host when I made reservations that it was a special occasion—the 5^th anniversary of our daughter birthday since she died. She assured me they would help us celebrate but in a very tasteful manner. At the end of our meal the server brought out the Mickey Mouse and told us happy birthday and he was sorry. Again just one more way that Disney goes the extra step to make sure the magic and vision of Walt continues today. Our evening finished with watching the new Disney movie Frozen again. I am in love with the music and the story line of the two sisters.

Olaf and me

 I had many friends post on my or Heather’s Facebook, send me texts or private messages. To all those who did it means more than you can ever know that you remembered my child with me. She has not been forgotten. I will admit that a few people that I expected a message form did not send anything. I can honestly say that this hurt and hurt me kind of badly. These are people that I shared my precious Heather with. Not everyone gets that privilege of hearing and sharing my memories. I am very sad that maybe I need to be more careful with whom I choose to share so many personal things with. But then again what kind of friends were they to begin with??

Happy Birthday Heather