Thankfulness? Really?

When a loved one dies many things happen all at once. The family you knew is gone forever. The future you envisioned is changed permanently. The way you view the world and all past and future relationships are different. Nothing is the same.

Thanksgiving is a time of remembering all the things you are thankful for. I am sorry I have not found much to be thankful for the last 4 years. In 2008 I was thankful that Heather was in remission and was finished with the hard chemo. We were getting on with our lives. I will not ever say I am thankful Heather died. Many people tell me I should be thankful she is in a better place. Well, let me tell you, I am not. I want her here. The pain and sorrow are too much to bear. I just want the hurt and broken heart to go away. And it never will. I can be thankful that Heather isn't suffering or in pain, thankful she was my daughter and that I had her for 21 yrs, 4 mths and 10 days.

Families are fractured forever. There are basically two directions for the family to go. The death can pull the family apart and they drift away or it can draw the family together and make them close. I think at different times during the grieving process both directions can and will happen to the family. I think for our family Heather’s death has fractured us apart. There is everything from hurt feelings, to everyone’s own grief, to the unreal expectations of how the others should be grieving and then just flat out not being able to understand or comprehend the devastation loss of Heather. This is a death that passes all understanding. I have experienced many deaths in my lifetime of very important people. I also thought “I got it” about the death of a child. But as I have shared so many times before, till the moment Heather died, I didn’t know jack squat about the feelings and emotions and unimaginable loss of MY CHILD.

*There are a number of forms of guilt that can be part of the grieving parent process; some include:

Believing you have failed as a parent

Survivor guilt

Guilt about feeling happy or feeling hope again

Guilt about events from the past, present and future

Guilt because of unfinished business

Guilt because of something that happened regarding the circumstances of the death.

It appears to be that recently our family is beginning to make strides at mending and they seem to be becoming ok with the fact that I talk about Heather all the time. I have to. It is my only way to show that she lived and was here. They say “time heals all wounds” this is true for many but some wounds time changes but it never gets any easier. I am sorry to say that losing a child changes and becomes different but it never heals.

*Shattered beliefs:

The death of a child can turn a parent’s prospective about life and the world upside down. You may find yourself struggling to make sense of your existence, future, domestic life, identity and worldview in the aftermath of your loss. Suddenly your life feels entirely out of your control and it can feel like you are no longer the same person. “My world fell apart that day. Everything I knew to be my life ended. There were no rules that applied anymore.” You may find yourself feeling lost.

The holidays are filled with so many mixed emotions that all of them cannot begin to be described. The longing for happier holidays, the wanting to make and celebrate the holidays with remaining family and then the idea that forevermore one is missing from your holiday table.. An empty seat where that loved one sat and ate, enjoyed and laughed for so many holidays before. Most of the time I can fool myself into thinking Heather is at work or school. But when it comes to the holidays where there is no work or school, it hits home that she is gone. The old traditions have to be changed or removed all together. For the first time in 4 years I am not terribly horribly depressed. I am trying to convince myself that this year I will have the holiday spirit and I will not allow myself to get down. I hope this lasts as Heather’s birthday is rapidly approaching.

*Holidays:

Holidays remind parents of how things have changed and that things will never be what they once were when the child was still living, which can magnify the sense of loss. The idea of facing holidays without the child can be painful and difficult.

Plan ahead

Only do the things you want to do

Keep things as simple as possible

Skip holiday gathering and traditions if you want to

Make sure to take time to be alone if you need it

Ignore or change old traditions as feels right

Eliminate unnecessary stress

*When Your Child Dies By Avril Nagel & Randie Clark

If you bring up my daughter’s name I might cry. If you don’t bring up her name it will break my heart.