Just An Ordinary Day??...No, Never...

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What would Heather's 25th birthday have been like? Would she be married? Have babies? Would her cancer be back? I have no answer for those and many many more questions. This year Bill and I went to Disneyland to celebrate her birthday. This day is about Heather being born. Her birth day and her death day are two of the hardest days in my life. Heather's birth day I celebrated for 21 years, her death day I will celebrate for the rest of my life along with her birth day. I can't forget that I had a baby girl, 7 pounds 15 ounces on December 10th, 1987. The rest of the world can act like it is any ordinary day, but I never will be able too again.

Rose picked from Disneyland Hotel-Perfect

Relationships, with friends and family have changed in the last 4 years as well. Heather cannot be mentioned by name and other seem to overlook the day and not say anything. As it should be the mother grieves harder on this day that any other as this is the day a part of her died. As the birthday was once about the child, the child's birthday is now about the parents... I am not making light of the grief that the dad has over his child. Mothers just tend to take about 99% of the credit for the child. Mothers grow them, give birth to them, care for them growing up and are the more emotional part of the parents.

It was my decision to leave town for Heather's birthday this year. I also plan to leave town for her death day as well. Maybe not every year, but am just tired of feeling that I can't mention Heather's name or make the 2 days about her and her life. Call me selfish, call me crazy, call me wrong...it is the way I see it. I am just not doing it anymore. I have to have December 10 and April 20 be about Heather. These are her days. Proof that she lived and died. For right now this feels right but who knows for how long. I realize that with each passing year more and more friends and family move on and their life changes. And that is how life should be. The world moves on and I am stuck spinning my wheels in 2nd gear going nowhere fast.

This year we added a twist to December 10th. Sunnie, our new son-in-law's birthday is December 10th. Wow!! Yes when Wendy told me when his birthday was I knew he was going to be part of our family. It is a very difficult to put into words how excited and sad, confused, glad and crazy this makes me. I want to with all my heart celebrate and focus on Sunnie and his birthday. He is here and alive and I love him as my son.. But I still have to focus on Heather's birthday. I am honest here when I tell you I do not know how to handle this yet. I can't even handle Heather not being here for her own birthday and have not gotten used to the idea yet that she died. I am human...all I can say to this point...Just imagine trying to celebrate your birthday on 9/11...or if Heather had been born on your birthday. Could you celebrate still? A set of twins and one dies, how does the other one celebrate?

One thing I knew is that I needed to go back to Disneyland for December 10th this year. I wanted to go to the castle to Heather's spot, think of her and possibly sing happy birthday to her there. Well, Disney did not ask me and they are doing construction so Heather's spot is closed off and I cannot get to it. I was really bummed and saddened by this news. I actually hope that when construction is over her spot is still there. The second thing I wanted to do was to get a new perfume and have the bottle painted on Heather's birthday. When we arrived Sunday I went to the perfume shoppe. The same woman that painted my first bottle was there painting again. Problem was she was not going to be there today, on the 10th. The sales woman and I began talking and she remembered me from the first time. I remembered her right away, but was not surprised it took her a moment to remember me. While we sprayed many perfumes and narrowed down the ones I liked she slipped out to the artist and had her paint a Christmas ornament to give to me as a gift. The artist made my bottle extra special and dated the bottle for 12/10/12. This was a beautiful memory for me on a special day.

Special gift from the perfume shoppe

Fendi-My beautiful new perfume-12/10/12

Today, December 10th I woke up after a restless night. I slept but my mind did not shut down. It felt tired and upon waking the wave of grief hit me hard. The tears are so close to the surface that a word or a hug can make them fall. I am afraid once they begin I might not be able to shut them down. While washing my face I cried in the bathroom this morning. Splashing my face with colder water seemed to put those tears back in their place...for now...We headed to the park and went straight to Jazz Kitchen for Beignets for breakfast. Heather taught us about good southern Beignets in 2008 when were here. It is a tradition every morning we are at Disneyland we eat Beignets.

Jazz Kitchen-beignet & breakfast burrito

The day was started in California Adventure and then ended in Disneyland. Toy Story Mania was the beginning ride and Pirates of the Caribbean was the ending. Most of the day was spent just enjoying Disney and looking around the shops. While in California Adventure we passed by the face painting booth. I had never had my face painted and decided today was the day...so I got three mickey balloons in Christmas colors painted on my face. Usually on Heather's birthday I like to release balloons. I knew when I came to Disneyland I wanted to buy one Mickey Face balloon and release it. Of course these balloons are not cheap. (I came to Disneyland twice as a young child. Both times I wanted and begged for a Mickey shaped balloon but was denied.) Later in the afternoon I bought my first ever Mickey shaped balloon. It was a red one, Heather's favorite color. I was shocked when I was told they had to tie the weight to the end because of city ordinances. I then got scared that I could get into trouble by letting the balloon go. We decided to leave the park so less people would be watching. We went into the middle of the area between the two parks and let it go there. A lady passed by me and said oh no she lost her balloon, her friend next to her told her I think she let it go on purpose. I smiled as they walked by and told them "yes, I let it go on purpose." The day ended with the fireworks show. We were up by It's A Small World so it wasn't quite so crowded. It was nice to see the fireworks for a change. I was caught off guard at the end of the show when they made it "snow". Because of the emotions of the fireworks, the music and then adding the snow it made me cry.

Perfect Red Disney balloon

My first Disney balloon-to be sent to Heather

A kiss from Momy to Heather

Since Disneyland began they have been holding an annual candle lighting ceremony near the train station. This includes a huge choir and someone to tell the Christmas story. For the first time this year they are holding this ceremony for 20 nights instead of just one. I tried to get reserved seats but was not able to be drawn for being an annual passholder. As we came into Disneyland for the evening this event was going on. It was a sight to behold and I am very thankful I got to see this event. It added to an already special day. Not sure it is worth standing for 2 hours before hand to get a good spot to watch, but for just walking in we got to see a good portion from a good spot.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

We found a Starbucks in California Adventure and decided to treat ourselves to two of Heather's favorite treats. We split a cranberry bliss bar and a lemon pound cake. I really would have enjoyed a peppermint mocha, but decided I didn't want it that late in the day and I really didn't need the calories. The edible treats were much better than the drinkable ones. There was no cake with candles so this was the best thing I could think to do. I was actually very happy to find the Starbucks at California Adventure. I can picture Heather now going there to get her coffee everyday.

Starbucks treats

I think it helped to pass the day to be busy someplace else. There really wasn't a moment when Heather was not fore front in my mind. The tears were very close. Since Heather died I have experienced a new cry. It is a cry unlike any I have ever experienced in my entire life. I have experienced death, funerals and crying because something physically hurt. This cry is one that causes a huge lump to form in my throat and it becomes very hard to swallow. Whether I hold back the tears or I let them go does not matter as I cannot no matter how hard I try utter a single word. I physically cannot speak. I have never experienced such a cry. I think it is the cry of total and complete broken heartedness and brokenness. For the most part I try very hard to keep my tears to myself. I feel very self conscience if I cry in public. People stare and do not understand. I save my tears to cry in private when I can let go and no one will judge me or find me weird. But for today I did okay...and that is okay...for today...