What I Have Learned...

Since you read this blog you know that for me it helps to write my words and thought down. Many may not like what I have to say or think that I am too open and honest, but I don’t think so. No one talks about what it is like to lose a child. Well, I do. I feel that people like to know how it feels as best as I can without actually going thru it. My BFF Sandy describes it this way: there is a brick wall between us, she can’t climb over or under or go around to get to my side of the wall. But she can hear me and I can hear her, but there is forever a wall between us as we walk side by side. This is without a doubt the BEST description I have ever heard.

Heather is still the elephant in the corner of the room when her name is mentioned and the conversation dies. She is still the unmentioned child we once HAD, and will forever be “she who must not be named”. I have learned the friends and family that I can mention Heather’s name and the ones I can’t. For the most part it is everyone. Not many want to hear our same old stories and talking about how horrible it is and how it isn’t getting easier. Sorry but it isn’t and I just can’t screw on a smile all the time and pretend things are nice. Things are never going to be nice again. Does this mean I can’t have fun? Or laugh? Or go on vacation? NO!!! it means that even when I am having a good time, heather is in the back of my mind. The hardest are holidays and life’s milestone events. That is when I miss her more than I normally do on a regular day.

Here are some lessons learned from books and other grieving parents. Of course this is in no way everything that can be included with grieving parents. Everyone is as different grieving as there are stars in the heavens. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each one of us must find what works for us. The new normal. It is very difficult to find my way because it is new uncharted road I walk. I can listen and hope that words from others help in some way, but just like childbirth, no amount of listening to others help till you go thru it yourself. We all move at our own pace and some are faster than others and some are slower. And you know what? it is okay that we move that way. 

-No factor justifies the death of a child to parents- not age, stage, manner of death, 

or number of other living children.

-No one sleeps well after a child's death, especially those who are burdened with the "if only's".

-The way your child dies seems the most difficult manner of death to those who grieve. For instance, if your child was a baby, you did not get to know her; if older, you hurt longer because you knew his personality. If your child was ill for a long time, you were wrapped around her/him.

-A society that wants instant cures, happiness, and entertainment is 

not supportive of grief's agonizing journey.

-Understanding why it is difficult for others in our culture to appreciate the time it takes to move through grief helps one forgive insensitive remarks or actions.

-Those who lose a child-like anyone with a great loss- learn to live with a break in their heart.

-No longer is medication considered for the weak. Grief depletes chemicals in the body 

that should be replaced for health.

And speaking of health problems...

One year after a child's death:

-At least one parent, usually the mother, has serious coping problems in the home or at work.

-40 percent of parents have a drug or drinking problem.

-88 percent feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.

-25 percent report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis or hypertension.

Two years after a child's death:

-50 percent of parents report serious health problems: cancer, stroke, heart problems, etc.

-35 percent are under psychiatric care.

-Professionals and statistics indicate almost 60 percent of couples are divorced, 

and up to 80 percent are within 6 years.

I also realize that talk about cemeteries and markers is not the normal topic of most people but seems to be the center of my world right now. it makes most people very uncomfortable to even hear the word cemetery. It has been 8 weeks since we buried Heather’s ashes and I ordered her marker. The proof has still not come in yet. I am beginning to panic since October is coming closer and I will not be happy to have a dedication with no marker.

In a very recent trip to Disneyland (for the opening of CarsLand-like over Father’s Day weekend) it dawned on me while riding the Haunted Mansion that most people think graveyards to be filled with ghosts, spooks and goblins. So how when the sun goes down the graves open up and the spirits haunt people and play in the graveyard. It doesn’t happen that way. I can tell you. If Heather’s spirit came out at night and danced around the cemetery, I would be there every single night to watch her and visit with her. So would everyone else who has lost someone. 

Over the weekend it appears that someone or many someones decided to vandalize Heather’s grave. Her marker was moved, the flamingo was bent over-it is a metal sign-and there are 3 foot print tore in the grass on top of her spot like where someone ran and dug in their feet. Ashley’s whirlie-gig was also torn apart. I was so saddened that someone would chose to do something like that. I just hope that someday they understand what they did was wrong. Speaking of which Ashley’s mom has not come out to the cemetery. I have no idea what has happened to her, but will continue to put flowers on Ashley’s grave in her mother’s absence. It makes me sad.

“Do not regret growing older. 

It is a privilege denied to many.”

~Unknown~