Tuesday, June 5, 2012

BEFORE...


When I woke up this morning
Wiped the sleep from my eyes
I found a new day dawning
And suddenly I realize
You’re gone…

BEFORE: In time preceding; previously…at an earlier time…

Every morning just between awake and sleep there is a split second when my world is right. Everything is as it should be and Heather is here, alive and healthy. Then I fully wake up to realize I was only dreaming. I was my imagination tell lies. Life is not nice, nothing can ever be nice again. Death is a life altering and changing event. For my life it changed my world in ways I can see and ways I haven’t even discovered yet.. The woman I was before, the family we were before, and I future I envisioned before was all changed forever. One of the reasons why I like having new friends is that they don’t expect things to be the way they were before. The few friends I have left from before are my very trusted and true friends.
eyes closed on purpose-silly girl
Before I never really gave exercise a second thought as to how it helps get out stress, frustration and anger. I have found a good fight with a treadmill or a set of weights, or simply beating me at a time limit can release so much pent up anger. Sweating and breathing hard with exercise has many benefits. I personally feel better with all those endorphins flowing freely. Not extremely happy, but my dark moments are better with exercise. The added benefit is my health and becoming a healthy weight. I had been postponing formal dress hunting because I didn’t want to know what size I was or my measurements. But with the Alaskan cruise rapidly approaching I needed to get busy. I had looked online before I went to go look so I had a very good idea as to what I wanted. I went back to Suzanne’s Bridal, the same dress shop that I bought Heather’s ball gown at in 2008. I was actually placed into the same dressing room as she used. I am very proud to announce that I found “the dress” and am very pleased with my measurements. I have worked hard and it has paid off. I am officially a size 6 in a formal dress. (all women understand that formals run 1-2 sizes smaller than your normal size) My dress is being ordered in Navy so I can wear on the cruise and Wendy's wedding in October. I am wearing Heather's blue topaz necklace she wore at the ball with this dress. I also am proud to announce that I have a 28 inch waist. I can’t even begin to tell you when the last time I had a 28 inch waist. So besides the stress and anger management, healthy BMI and waist circumference benefits I am also seeing the shrinking of myself benefit of spending an hour at the gym sweating. So I think I will keep it up..
trying on the dress I fell in love with
Love the bow & very flattering look-that is ME!!
actual color 
 Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn’t leave me here to cry
You didn’t say you don’t love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn’t say goodbye..

Before I had never really thought about going back to school. But now it seems so natural for me to pursue a degree in strength, nutrition and personal training. Before I wanted to help cancer patients and I still might go that direction, but now I am thinking about helping the grieving. The average grieving mother gains between 50-100 pounds the first year. I understand that very well. All you want is comfort foods and the idea of cooking is simply not there. I would like to help grieving people of all backgrounds to channel the anger and stress to the treadmill and help themselves. I am not sure where I am going with this degree, but have registered for a nutrition class during the 2nd summer session and have a full course load this fall. I am excited and ready to get back to classes and begin pushing forward again towards my goal.
Snookie leaves pine cones for Aunt Missy
What was actually left when done throwing them
Before I never gave a second thought to buying fake flowers on sale or metal signs to decorate a grave site. One thing I love about our cemetery is that we can place anything we want and it stays till we take it down. Before I never knew what solace simply going to the cemetery and sitting, listening to birds and looking up at the sky as the clouds go by. I have developed a metal sign and fake flower addiction. Of course Heather’s Spot has to be the cutest decorated at all times. I plan on changing out the decorations monthly with special things for holidays. Because of this I had a fun idea. Just like during cancer I asked for rubber ducks to help me get my ducks in a row. I am now asking for pink flamingos. Yes, you heard me right. PINK FLAMINGOS!!. I have purchased two of them and wanted to see if anyone out there would look to find a flamingo and send it to me to make a herd of pink flamingos. Big, small, plastic or metal, signs or bells or any other kind would be fun. I plan on covering the entire plot with as many pink flamingos as possible during a week in August. I just think it would be fun and very redneck. So if you see a pink flamingo that you think needs to come my way---SEND IT!! And look for photos of my new herd of flamingos.
Pink Flamingo Project-who will add more?
I’m in a state of confusion
I hope things aren’t what they seem
If this is really happening
Just let me go back to dream
You’re home…
~Travis Tritt~

Watch this very powerful video-it has extreme passion for a man losing his wife. 
Travis Tritt does an excellent job.

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