But I still
Like bologna
On white bread
Now and then
And the sound
Of a whippoorwill
Down a country road....
~Alan Jackson~
We made it through the holidays. "Made it", that is my new goal in life. We "made it" another year. The joy is just not what it once was nor will it ever be again. Christmas is associated with colors of red, green, silver and gold, But for a grieving mother, the color blue is the most dominant color. I can't possibly think of a season or a day of celebration without the color blue being the color of choice. I strain to adjust to the loss and wait for some time to heal some of the sorrow. I have realized in this time, 19 months and 28 days, that not much of the sorrow has faded. When death takes a loved one, even though you trust in the promise of everlasting life, something in you longs for reassurance, or proof of that promise. I keep saying, I am not getting over over this. I will get more "used" to the idea that Heather is gone for the remainder of my life. The saying that "time heals all wounds" doesn't float for me. Time actually becomes an enemy because in time my mind starts to forget, memories fade a little and it is my memories that keep Heather close to me.
During the times of extreme sadness or loss your appetite seems to be gone...till someone mentions deep dish pizza, cheesecake or chicken fettuccine. Healthy foods are just not appealing to me. The crisp fruits, crunchy veggies, grilled chicken breast or lean pastas that are healthy and good for me are something I have no desire to eat. I want to comfort foods; mac N cheese, breadsticks with sauce, cheeseburgers or tacos. Pizza Hut has become a regular at our house. The 3 different drivers know our order and our house now. The hot chicken wings with ranch call my name all the time from Old Chicago. Of course the candy cane pie from Village Inn over Christmas didn't help. Now it is Love Potion 31 from Baskin Robbins calls to me when ever I need a little something sweet.
Forget exercise. All the energy I have to get up out of bed and get dressed have used every ounce of energy for the day. If I add cooking or anything extra it just wears me out. Going to the gym and walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes at level 4 with an incline of 3-8 does not even cross my mind. Having to get dressed into workout clothes, drive to the gym, work out and then go about my day just seems impossible. Go to workout at the gym that Heather and I used to go to. I can see her on the treadmill, walking next to me with her bandana on to cover her bald head. I still pay the monthly fee even though I have gone about 6 times in the last year. I know how good it would be to relieve stress and feel better. I have no energy or willpower to put down Farmville or the repeat of Reba to go to the gym.
Research states that the average grieving mother puts on 75-100 pounds during the 1st year after the loss of a child. I can see it and fully understand how that is possible. When any small thing comes my way to make me depressed or stressed I now turn to my comfort foods. It is a nasty habit that I fear will be with me for the rest of my life. Since this is called confessions of a grieving mother I will confess that today I have begun back to the gym. I did the unthinkable and stepped on the scale. I was shocked and horrified to see that I have gained over 30 pounds. This would not be so depressing to me except for the fact that I worked for 6 months in 2007-2008 to lose over 30 pounds and was 7 pounds from goal. I am right back when I began. Now, to my defense I have been through so much the past 3 years that I really should weight about 400 pounds quite honestly. I am going to make the time for myself and work toward the goal of being back where I was 3 years ago. I am hitting it hard and hope to see some good results in a couple of weeks. Oh yes, the comfort food will have to be put on the back burner till I can control myself again.
As this is a new year and as I begin to move forward I have "hope". After all how can anyone survive without hope. Hope in the face of the loss of a child is the most difficult hope to find. I do not understand the "why" of losing a child any better that I understand the "why" of heaven's glory. I only know that they do exist, they both are real and one day I will know the answer...and it will start with I love you.
Alan Jackson has the song "I still like bologna". Just figured it was about food..something fun to watch. Hope you enjoy...
I'm proud of you mama bear!
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