The Bag in the Corner...

Each time Heather went into the hospital or the ATU for blood products I had my "crochet bag" with me. It always had a current project along with the baggie of Jolly Ranchers, Starbursts and gum. This was to help Heather with the nasty taste in her mouth during saline flushed in her PICC line. There was nothing really special about this bag other than it was a Disneyland bag I had purchased several years before. It was a simple black bag with Disney characters stitched it but it came to be known as the ready bag. It was always packed with supplies and by the door so we could grab it and go at a moments notice.

Disneyland bag with my crochet projects in it. The last one in this photo

This is the same bag that I took to the hospital during Heather's last stay and it sat in the corner behind my chair in her ICU room for several weeks. I had finished a baby blanket during the beginning days and I began another afghan with no one in mind for it. I had thought that I would make the staff in ICU afghans like I had done for the 6 South staff but for some reason I was never able to follow thru with making "thank you" afghans for them. Not, that I wasn't grateful for what they had done for Heather, it was just it didn't end happy. I did make baby afghans for our special, Racheal, when her girls were born. But no one else and I have no real idea why I didn't.

So I began a very simple ripple pattern that I could drop off and then pick up working on it again with no issues. It was in a dark eggplant, with a variegated seafood green, lavender, blue and cream and then a solid cream colored skeins of yarn. For days I worked on this and Heather watched me crocheting. This would be the last afghan I started and worked on while she was alive. The days turned to weeks but when I had moments alone in the room with Heather I would work on this afghan. Sunday, when Dr. Zachariah told us there was no hope, the bag sat in the corner for the next almost two days. Monday night, April 20th, I packed up Heather's ICU room. I took down the photos off the door, placed her gifts she had been given into a box and picked up the Disney bag in the corner with my afghan in it and took it to my Xterra. When I brought all the things home I placed the Disney bag in the closet and didn't touch it for over three years.

I was cleaning out things in one of my "lets go thru things and purge" phase when I came across the black Disney bag. I took the bag out and thought I would look to see how much more work was needed to finish the afghan I had begun a lifetimes ago. I was shocked to figure out that only 12 rows were needed for it to finished. I had all the yarn so why in the world could I have just left this and let it sit for over 3 years. This wa snot like me to allow projects to go unfinished. So, I picked up the bag, brought it downstairs, took out the ripple afghan, hook and yarn and began working on this once again. It was painful but also healing to finish this afghan. 

This is how much 12 rows is...

I thought I was crazy in the fact that I really didn't have any desire to give or gift this afghan to anyone. I didn't have a use for it myself, as it really wasn't my colors and I had no one, absolutely no one in mind for this afghan. So I placed it in the blanket closet along with the other two afghans I had made Heather and just let it sit. I had talked to Jenn and told her I didn't know if I could give that afghan away to anyone. She had a project she worked on during ICU and she felt the same way. Not that Heather would have wanted it, it was just the last thing I began when she was alive. It had meaning to me and I just didn't want to let go of one more little piece of Heather, so it sat.

Here is the afghan all finished

Last year, 2015, Bill and I took a 10-day Disney cruise to Hawaii, with a couple days stay at Disney's resort, Aulani. I had joined a Facebook group for the cruise and had met some really wonderful people. We had been "chatting and posting" with each other for almost a year before the cruise that began in September. One of the posts, on the curse page, was a video from Maryanna and David. I watched the video of David ringing the bell to announce his completing his treatment for cancer. I was mad and angry and hurt and mad. I was so mad at that video that I could not post a comment and I didn't the "like" button either. I had never met Maryanna or David but I had very strong feelings of jealousy. I wanted it to be Heather that rang the bell and Heather that survived. It was nothing personal, just I wanted the good ending and not the one I need up with.

Maryanna and David ringing the bell in Cleveland

The port hole to the Disney Wonder on sailing day

A few weeks later someone had commented again on Maryanna's video and the post had come up fresh in my newsfeed on Facebook. This time when I saw it I had a "feeling" I needed to private message Maryanna and explain why I didn't comment. It wasn't like this was a small group and I have no doubt that Maryanna and David had no idea who I was or if I commented on their video. I began a message and then deleted it thinking I would sound like a crazy woman. But, I had a small voice that kept telling me I needed to message Maryanna. So one evening I messaged her, but little did we know that how that one message was soon to build a bond between us that no one ever dreamed possible.

The Princess is ready to set sail...

Our cabin door decorated and our FE gift extender

I began by saying I was happy for their video, but that I couldn't post because my daughter had died from cancer. Maryanna messaged me back and immediately began asking me about Heather. She told me she understood my feelings and we began messaging back and forth. The cruise got closer and I could hardly wait to meet all these people and new friends I had made on Facebook, but I especially wanted to meet David and Maryanna and we wanted to give hugs and just meet face to face.

Pirate night, AAARRRRRR!

One would think with 5 days at sea that you would get to meet and chat with everyone on the ship, but that is not the case. All to soon we were heading into ports, did some island hopping and then the cruise was over. I knew that this cruise was special and I had gained so many new, wonderful friends. When I call these people my friends, I mean true friends. The kind that drop things to call or send a card, the kind that think of you and send packages of things they "saw it and thought of you" sort of friends. This group on Facebook still have a very active page and many of our group have met for dinners, gone on other cruises together and still chat on a regular basis.

King Kamehamehaon, Hilo

Oh yeah! Helicopter ride over the island of Nawiliwili

A beach at Kahului

Let me begin by saying that Maryanna and David are two of the kindest, nicest, sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I wanted nothing but blue skies and smooth sailing for them as they celebrated David's retirement, but the happily ever after only lives in fairy tales and not in the real world I am sad to say. My dear friends were an hour or two away from setting sail on a Panama Canal cruise when their world was turned upside down. They received a phone call with the news that their daughter, Marysusan, had cancer; and that major surgery with treatments need to begin right away. Maryanna and David were not able to get a flight that day but some great cruise friends were right there to pick them up and take care of them till they could change their plans and get home.

Hawaiian sunset at Aulani 

Maryanna and Sherry

Let me begin my saying the worst words in the world are "your daughter has cancer!" and it doesn't matter the age. In that moment this dear sweet family, both their daughters and their 6 grand babies became survivors. Their life is forever changed and turned upside down. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING is small or simple anymore. Suddenly, Maryanna and I were living the same mother's worst nightmare. We needed to fight for our daughter's lives. Things with cancer are never simple and straightforward. Mothers have very basis protective instincts about our babies and with cancer nothing is in your control. You stand by and watch and so desperately want to take all the hurt and pain and sickness away. You would gladly give your life to save your child's life.

Marysusan, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer that had spread. The surgery that she had ended with complications and chemo had to be postponed. She has been in and out of the hospital with multiple surgeries, complications and chemo. Not only is she given chemo thru her chest port but she also has a port in her abdomen and currently is receiving chemo thru both. Words cannot begin to describe how cancer in its most basic form effects a whole family, let alone a major form of cancer with not so routine complications that come up.

In the very beginning all I knew was David and Maryanna. I was and still am determined to show my love and support for them the best way I know how. To say that Maryanna and I are "connected" doesn't even begin to describe the kindred spirit we seem to share. I have tried at every turn and twist to be a support and encouragement to Maryanna and the whole family. An example of our connection happened right before Christmas. I was supposed to be cleaning off the dining room table for Christmas dinner when I "got a feeling" I needed to make something for Maryanna. I sat down at my embroidery machine and created a teal ribbon lace angel. Teal is the ribbon color for Ovarian cancer. I made one and I thought I was done for the night when the "feeling" told me I need to make one for each family, so a total of 3 ribbon lace angels. As I begin to make the second angel the "feeling" came to me that I needed to make everyone in the family one so a total of 12. I had no way of knowing that very night Maryanna was having a bad night dealing with friends that just don't understand the journey. 

Teal Ribbon lace angels-when in warm water the angels stand alone

I know some people who don't believe in "heavenly visits" from our loved ones that have died. I have experienced three such visits and each time they were very clear with the message and it involved Heather each time. I had one such "visit" concerning Marysusan. I shared this with Maryanna and she didn't feel me crazy. Marysusan was sitting on a park bench reading under a shade tree. I was watching from a distance when Heather comes closer to the bench towards Marysusan. I make eye contact with Heather and ask her if she has come to take Marysusan. Heather shakes her head no. I repeated this visit nearly the exact same way three times during the same night. Since that moment I have felt "connected' to Marysusan in a special way. 

Then I was standing in Walmart looking at yarn and another " feeling" came over me and I had to make Maryanna an afghan. I am not sure why the colors came to me as I feel it is a stretch for the color makeup of her house. But the feeling never wavered. I then began working on an afghan for Marysusan. I didn't really have a "feeling" but i liked what I was making. I am about 2/3 done with this afghan and I really like it. However, another feeling "came over" me and this plan was changed. My special" connection" with Marysusan was about to leave no doubt in my mind.

Maryanna with the afghan I made her-a long distance hug

Last week I decided to print this blog. I create a book to have a hard copy of the posts just in case something every happens to the blog. I had not printed a book for 3 years and I forgot the format of the other two books I created. I happened to pick up the second book and was thumbing thru the pages looking at post blogs. I passed the blog where I wrote about the bag in the corner of the room and the afghan I had begun. In that moment the "feeling" HIT ME! I had not been thinking about this afghan and honestly had not seen it for a couple of years. I had to send this to Marysusan. I put the idea out of my head with the thought that "I was already making her one and this was crazy." I went that whole afternoon and the thought never left my mind. I talked to Jenn about it and told her what I wanted to do with it and she agreed it was meant to be. I thought I was crazy but I decided to take a photo and message Marysusan and ask her if she liked the colors. I was surprised when she told me those were her all time favorite colors in the whole world. I told her a brief history of the afghan and told her I wanted to send it to her. 

Yesterday, this afghan, that was begun over seven years ago, is snuggly in the arms of the new heart to love it. It makes my heart fill with joy that as Marysusan heads to the finish line of chemo she can wrap up in that afghan and hopefully feel like it is a hug from me. For years to come this afghan will be used on cold nights to wrap up sick babes and help heal broken hearts from that first school crush. I needed to find just the right place for this ever so special afghan to go and I know within my heart this was where this was meant to be.

My hero, Marysusan with her new afghan

I had no idea that a random afghan I began over seven years ago, would be a gift of love to a special family, that I met her parents on a Disney cruise, that they happened to decide to go at the last minute. Because I listened to that "feeling" and messaged Maryanna so many months ago. It just goes to show that if you are listening priceless moments and relationships are waiting if we just open our heart and mind to them.

ROCK ON MARYSUSAN! YOU ARE MY HERO AND ONE OF THE BRAVEST WOMEN I KNOW. YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP AND FACED EACH CHALLENGE WITH A DETERMINATION TO BEAT IT! 

Always on my heart-Aulani Resort beach