When
a child dies there are noticeable physical changes that happen with the parents;
weight loss/weight gain, gray hair, aging almost overnight, very little
smiling, thinking in a fog, forgetfulness, emotional outbursts, nightmare/bad
dreams, crying or the inability to cry, nervousness, and depression to list a
few. Learning to live with the death of a child is a lifetime process, not a
one day fix. If only it was as easy as waking up one morning and “moving on,”
but it isn’t.
Marriage
in the best of situations takes work and nurturing, but add the stresses of
life and it takes a toll on even the strongest of marriages. However if you
have a family argument, husband loses a job, daughter has cancer, husband finds
and begins a new job, another daughter is pregnant and then the daughter with
cancer dies all within an 18 month timespan, even the most put together and
cared for marriage is going to suffer a huge hit. During that 18 month time
there was not time to work on a marriage it was doing what we had to do to
survive. At the end of those 18 months we experienced the toughest death and
loss of our entire lives.
All
this to say that even the most put together grieving parents may not be as put
together as they seem. To the outside world they look like they are doing very
well and moving forward when in reality they are putting on a front that after
time cannot be put on any longer. Bill and I are not the same 18 and 23 year
olds that got married in 1983, but we changed slowly and over time with the
events that happened in our lives that made us the couple we were. Then we
changed again on April 10, 2008 and then again on April 20, 2009. Our lives had
been turned topsy turby and upside down for so long that we could not begin to
see which way was up. Suddenly the world stopped for me anyway and I could
barely breathe let alone live or work on my marriage. Jenn recently told me
that she hated watching Bill and I during that first year after heather died. She
really did not think that we were going to survive the first year together as
we were shattered people.
Here
we are at the five year mark and things have changed and I especially am not
the person I was in 2009 or even in 2010. I have lost weight and gotten healthy
and tried going back to school. I see and hear everything different now from
even a year ago as things change for me it seems at a rapid pace. Not that
changing is all bad, but in a marriage when we don’t change and grow together
the only way to grow is apart. Bill and I have grown and changed so much that
we do not know ourselves let alone who each other have become. A few weeks ago I
made a change, Bill and I have separated, BUT…there is not another person
involved for either of us. We are taking this time to really discover who the
new Bill and the new Sherry are. Then we are working on coming back to be a new
couple, better and stronger than ever. This was not easy and I did not do this
lightly or without a great deal of thought and prayer. Honestly I feel this is
the best thing I and we have ever done. We have talked more, shared more and
been more open and honest in the last few weeks than we have been in over five
years, which is a very sad thing to say. Neither Bill nor I are throwing in the
towel, we are finding out who we are and making ourselves, our lives and our
marriage better and stronger.
 |
| Sherry and Bill on their "date"... Yes we are dating right now |
Open
and honest communication is the only key and answers to fix a grieving
marriage. If couples keep talking and sharing through their grief, the tragedy
can actually turn their marriage stronger than even. But sometimes it takes a
separation to really open up the communication lines. Both spouses must come
open and exposed to each other and then the healing can begin. There are no quick fixes or answers for
couples dealing with the death of a child. What works for one may not work for
another. Recovering from the death of a child is long and painful process that
only time can help heal the loss
Mark Twain once
said, "Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable." In the
face of tragedy, ignore public perception and allow patience, compassion, and
tenderness to fill your marriage until solid footing once again takes hold.
No comments:
Post a Comment