The Go-To Person...

When Heather was diagnosed with cancer most mothers gave prayers of thanks to God that they were not me. This was something that no mother ever wanted to hear-“YOUR DAUGHTER HAS VERY AGGRESSIVE CANCER.” I was living the nightmare that haunt most people’s dreams. That nightmare had become my reality.

When Nathan, our cancer patient friend from 6 South, came out of remission and Heather was still in remission, I became that mother that thanked God I was not Irene. My child was still clear from cancer. Of course I knew any one of the blood tests could send my fragile world of remission into a tail spin. I never wanted to allow myself to go there even though it was never very far from my thoughts.

Then Heather got sick and died. I know that every mother that knew me and heard about our story was beyond thankful they were NOT me! How horrible and awful that my nightmare had become my reality. Every mother hugged their child a bit closer and really prayed their thanks that they were not me.

We had a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with cancer when Heather died. The mother of this child wanted nothing to do with me. She was afraid that I was bad luck, after all my child had died. It must be bad luck and have something that would transfer to her or her child. I knew that she was scared and her daughter’s cancer was the same type but very different. I wanted to be there for support but was kept at arm’s length.

I have had a couple of different mothers contact me and wanted to know how I knew Heather had cancer. They were worried about something that was not quite right with their child and immediately thought of cancer. Funny but my siblings that want nothing to do with me are still terrified to this day that their child might have cancer and they might be just like me. How horrible would that be? At least I warned them not that they deserved it. I have seen some posts where issues have come up with one of their children and they are very relieved that it was nothing.

I recently was contacted by a friend that has been told his daughter might have leukemia. He contacted me and wanted to now some details. I did not mind in anyway, but it struck me that I was the go to person when the words cancer, leukemia or lymphoma came up. I was the expert in this subject. While I am in no way an expert I do have firsthand knowledge as to just about the worst kind of cancer there is and the ultimate worse outcome ever.

At the beginning of Heather’s treatments I had a mother call me as her daughter had the same kind of cancer. She rambled on and on about all the horrible awful things that would happen and was all about telling me about all the complications that happened to her daughter. This in no was a help to me. I felt she was a nut and wanted off the phone with her ASAP. Her daughter survived, mine didn’t I win! What a game to win in the battle of my daughter had it worse game. I felt this mother was playing a game with me and I never want nor will I ever treat any other parents like she treated me.

Yes, my life did not exactly turn out the way I pictured it. My world is a nightmare, the nightmare of living the remainder of my life without my child. While I never want another parent to experience the same thing, I also am always willing to offer support and my help if anyone needs or wants it. I really hate the fact that I do have firsthand knowledge of cancer. I hate that I know how it feels to watch my child go through the pain and side effects of chemo. I hate the fact that people just do not get it. They do not even try to understand.

I have been told by many people that “I need to put this in my past,” “I need to let go,” and “I need to move forward.” I have news for everyone, HEATHER IS IN MY PAST! If I let go of my past I have to let go and forget her and that is not possible. I am living in the present and future with Jenn and Wendy, but as to where Heather is concerned all I have left is the past. Just like everyone else can remember past holidays and events with mothers and fathers that died years ago, I am not allowed the same respect.

Heading into the 5^th anniversary of her death had brought up so many emotions. I have been doing some research as to what the gifts are for the 5^th anniversary. Traditional gifts are made of wood while modern gifts are made of sterling silver. I also found out other things associated with the 5^th anniversary. I have two special gifts in mind for Jenn, Wendy and I to mark this milestone and I began the making of one today and it will be completed in about 2-3 months. Good thing I began this process early. Now what do about the actual day? Well that day falls on Easter Sunday so I am not sure yet as what to do. Stay tuned as I get my thoughts together and try to mark this milestone anniversary the only way I know how to.