Feels Like Home To Me...

The heavy summer sun blocking curtains have come down and the light of the day can now fill the house. All the furniture that once was a light color has been spray painted a dark walnut. The smell of sweet cinnamon pumpkin fills the air, there are a few pumpkins scattered around the house, fall placemats are on the table. The house remodeling is finished and everything is put back in its place and it feels…it feels…GOOD. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

As difficult as it is to see the house we built with our kids change, it is feeling very good to me. I still remember picking the tile and carpet for our first ever house we built from the ground up. It was quite a major accomplishment in our lives. For the first time ever we would have three full bathrooms and our master bedroom would be more like a master suite. Our first house had Bill’s clothes in Heather’s closet and mine in Wendy’s. We had never had our own private bathroom either. I remember coming on a weekly basis to see the progress. At times it seemed like there was none. I remember our first night in the house where we learned our heat did not work and we had no blinds or shaded for the windows. (Bare windows allow LOTS of light in) Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Our first remodeling job was the hall bathroom right before Heather’s graduation. The toilet had leaked, but we didn’t know that, and ruined the floor all the way under the bathtub. Because of the weakened floor the tub actually popped a piece of porcelain off the bottom of the tub. We just thought the tub needed to be replaced. Famous last words!! The actual plywood floor, the tub and the entire bathroom flooring had to be replaced. Of course this called for an entire repainting and new shower curtain for the new bathroom. It was such a good feeling to have a new bathroom and new flooring. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

My home growing up was in terrible shambles. It was a piece mill house to begin with and my step mother was not a house keeper. My parents never had the money to do anything. My Daddy worked odd jobs and always seemed to get sick and then get fired. The house needed new flooring, new plumbing, new heating, new bathroom so basically gutted and started over. My Daddy died and never saw this happen. My step mother sold the house and moved into her mother house after she died. When I went to see the house the last time someone had purchased it and totally remodeled the house inside and out. I so desperately wanted to go knock on the door and ask if I could see the changes. But chickened out. If I ever get back to Farmington again, I will go this time and knock on the door. My house was special, it even had a bomb shelter in the garage. Yes, a cement walled and metal door bomb shelter. It felt like home to me, It felt like I was all the way back where I belong…

The bathroom remodeling job was in May 2005 and nearly 7 years later I called Tempe Dzign Center to see if I could get the same vinyl flooring for our master bathroom as in the hall bathroom. They had done such a good before I knew I wanted to use them again. As luck would have it the same wood looking vinyl flooring was still available. So we began the first portion of flooring to be replaced in our house. Our master bathroom went from carpet to wonderful vinyl flooring and a new toilet. It really changed the look and feel of the bathroom and is wonderful. But the real reason was to replace our toilet. It has never flushed right and so with a new toilet came the new flooring. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Carpeting and stairs never go together and our house was no different. After nearly 19 years of carpeted stairs they needed a change. When Tempe Dzign came to do our bathroom flooring I had them measure the hallway and the stairs. Of course the stairs are nearly the most expensive part to floor in the entire house. I wanted laminate so that we would not have to replace the carpet again. The hallway was long with many difficult cuts and angles. Our installer Daniel was a perfectionist and did a beyond fantastic job with the install. It really changed the look of the entire upstairs. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Our house in Minnesota was a lot of work. All the flooring had to be ripped up and new put in. Hint, don’t put real hardwood floors in a house in Minnesota with all the snow and ice. It really doesn’t work well. Not only was the flooring a nightmare but Jenn and Heather’s rooms had to have the sheet rock ripped out and new put in. Wallpaper from the living room and entire 2-story entryway had to be torn off as well. This left holes in the walls that had to be repaired and sanded. It was several weeks of work. But I really loved my “country” home. It felt like home to me, felt like I was all the way back where I belong…

For the house that we built here in Arizona we put tile flooring in thinking that it would last forever. Well it did last nearly 19 years but it had cracks and breaks in it that we were not expecting. Not sure if it was cheap tile, poor installation or just what caused the cracks and breaks in the tile, but it was outdated and needed to go. Taking out tile is a very very messy job. We found a tile removal place that does this with no dirt or dust anywhere in your house. Yes, it truly worked. The tile was torn out and the floor smoothed for the laminate to be laid down. The days of the house being torn up was worth every minute of it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look and feel of the house. It changed the entire look of the house and made it more warm and modern feeling.  Carpeting will be next but for now I am getting used to the beautiful new look of my flooring. If feels like home to me, it feels like home to me. It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong…

The heavy summer sun blocking curtains have come down and the light of the day can now fill the house. All the furniture that once was a light color has been spray painted a dark walnut. The smell of sweet cinnamon pumpkin fills the air, there are a few pumpkins scattered around the house, fall placemats are on the table. The house remodeling is finished and everything is put back in its place and it feels…it feels…GOOD. Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life; feels like home to me…

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

In the natural order of life, babies are born; they grow up, get married, have a family, and grieve as their mother and father die. That is the way life is supposed to work. But many families are torn from the natural order when a child dies. This could be natural, illness or accident. It upsets the way the world spins on its axis. NOTHING is ever the right way again. Relationships, futures and my very existence on the planet are changed forever. I cannot change my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Despite how many people tell me to GET OVER IT…Just what the hell is the IT is am supposed to get over? Can someone who has had a child die tell me how they have gotten over it? Is there a mother out there who has experienced this kind of a loss that has actually gotten over it? I would like to meet her. I can’t change what happened, I can’t go back, I can’t bring Heather back and I can’t be the same woman, mother and person I was before April 20, 2009. I am sorry that this comes as a shock to everyone.

I am not sure why it is so important to me that Ashley Lowry’s grave be marked with flowers and remembered. She wasn’t my daughter I really didn’t know her. But because Heather loved her I care. Because Ashley was a daughter and her mother is gone I care. Because I am who I am, I care. So this week I found more than what I bargained for when I found Heather’s school memory book. I found I had kept Ashley’s obituary, the program from her funeral and the letter the school sent home. When I saw these I sat and cried, bawled actually. I was so overcome with emotions. Mostly that I had cared enough to save these things in the first place and then that finally I know when Ashley was born and when she died. Her marker only has the years on it, not the actual month and day. Ashley and Heather shared the same middle name of Nicole. Jenn told me this was one of the reasons why Heather loved her. Ashley was born June 29, 1988 and died May 25, 1995. I can now honor and remember her special dates each year.