Confessions of a Grieving Mother: The House That Built Me...

I know they say you can't go home again

I just had to come back one last time

Ma'am, I know you don't know me from Adam

But these hand prints on the front steps are mine…

My12 in 12

Personal

1. Actually clean & organize the house

2. Read 10 books

3. Refurbish Sally Angel

Health

4. Lose last 7 pounds

5. Hike a mountain in the area

X 6. Find 3 new healthy meals

Travel

7. Go to Alaska-excursions beyond dreams

X 8. Go visit the new CarsLand-huge surprise

9. Attend a musical or play

Financial

10. Buy a strangers’ meal

X 11. Find a home for bunnies-yes financial

X 12. Re floor the upstairs or the downstairs

Red means accomplished

Blue means working and getting close

Here are my “New Year” resolutions from April 20 this year to April 19 of next year. I would like to update you on how this list is going. So far I have 3 more pounds to go till I reach my goal weight. We visited the new CarsLand on opening weekend. The bunny boys, Bert and Ernie, found a new home on Tuesday, July 24 and we had our bathroom, the long hallway upstairs and the stairs redone this past month. I also have found and been trying many different meals and foods trying to lose the last bit of weight I have left. Not too bad of a start on my goals. The house is coming along and so is the reading of books. Cruise to Alaska is leaving in 39 days. I am planning to hike Camelback Mountain in the fall hopefully with Bill, Derek and Lara and anyone else who might like to share my trek into hiking…

carsland at night

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom

Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar

And I bet you didn't know under that live oak

My favorite dog is buried in the yard…

I have been trying to adopt many of the rules in Bob Harper’s book entitled The Skinny Rules. Much of what he says makes good sense to me and seems to be working. I have lost 4 pounds and dropped a size in the first month. I have not adopted every single rule and I still eat meat, carbs and some fats. I just have added lots of veggies, fruits and low carb things such as 3 apples a day, Greek yogurt, a whole hardboiled egg, Ezekiel bread and agave nectar. I eat complex carbs early in the day and try not to eat many after 2 pm. But I will still eat pasta it just has very little pasta and more veggies under it. I have also gone back to doing my circuit routine. Since I have been off minocycline since December nearly all my elbow pain is gone. With my weight being down now I am really building muscle. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I am pleased with myself and how I look.

We spent all last week in construction mode. Well should say reflooring mode. We began with our bathroom last month and finally tore out the carpet that was in the bathroom. Yes I said carpet. That is what was placed in master bathrooms in the 1990’s. We replaced the carpet with laminate looking vinyl flooring. Yes, in bathroom areas vinyl is best with all the water. It matches the same flooring we put in the hall bathroom in 2005. We needed to replace the toilet in our bathroom and it seemed the perfect time the replace the flooring. I was amazed to learn that the same vinyl was still available this many years later.

carpet in master bathroom

new vinyl in master bathroom

If I could just come in,

I swear I'll leave

Won't take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me…

I could not stand the smell of the carpet in the hallway landing at the top of the stairs. The dog has been using as her personal pee spot for years. So time had come to bite the bullet and do laminate down the upstairs hallway and the stairs. We had been talking about doing the stairs for years. Carpeting on stairs takes a huge beating and ours after 18 years was in need of being taken out. But I was told that for being 18 years old that carpet was not terrible. We had an amazing team install our laminate and it looks incredible. They removed all the baseboards, didn’t break a single one and replaced them all newly painted. The stairs look amazing after two nights of having to climb the railing to get up to our bedroom. But it was worth it. Next will be taking out all of the tile downstairs and replacing that with the same laminate, or putting in a new French doors to the back yard to replace the sliding door. We will have to see what comes next.

carpeted stairs

bare stairs

finished stairs

hallway to the girl's rooms

Bert and Ernie have been on the list for the bunny rescue since March and they have had only one family meet them. I still had no idea when they would be going to the shelter to live. So Sunday night I began looking on Craiglist and found an ad for a family wanting to rescue bunnies. I contacted them and felt they were not eating or selling them for food. I decided to give the family a try. So I packed the boys, their cage and food and headed off to Queen Creek Tuesday to take the boys to their new family. The family loves pets and has 39 bunnies and 19 cats. Not sure if they are hoarding pets, but I don’t think so. They told me they would be keeping Bert and Ernie since they are older and not adopt them out. They fell in love with the boys and I trust they have a good home now with plenty of love and kids. It is bittersweet as we have had bunnies in our house for the last 9 years. But it feels good not to have the responsibility and hoping to get all the fur out of the house one day.

Ernie and Bert-Had them for 5 years

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it's like I'm someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself…

I had laser treatment done on my entire face this past Monday. For some reason the left side of my face has reacted differently than the right side did. I have extreme swelling and bruising. The swelling has extended into my eye and it has made my eye red and watery and it hurts. I feel quite ugly right now and it doesn’t help that people can be very cruel. Looking away, staring or flat out not making eye contact with me. It makes me feel like I a diseased or something. I imagine this is some of what Heather felt when she had no hair and would go out. I remember the stares but it wasn’t directed at me. It still made me angry but for wanting to protect Heather. For now I think my journey into trying to get rid of the redness is over. It will get rid of the spider veins and that I am pleased with. I have one other vanity thing I would like to have done, but it will never happen. I am too chicken to do it…so now you just have to guess what it might be…

Yes, this is laser and swelling-not a pretty site to see

Heather was 16 when she landed her first job. It was at a Baskin Robbins/Dunkin Donuts shop close to the house. She began in February 2005. When she received her first paycheck she went shopping, her most favorite pastime in the world. While shopping at Superstition Mall she noticed that Zales jewelers had a ring that had two pink and one red heart shaped stones in it. It was on a special sale and Heather marched in and bought two of these rings one for me and one for her. She was very proud of her ring and the fact she bought me the same one. She told me this was a small gift but when she got a real job she would buy me a Thomas Kinkade painting. A real one not a paper copy.

Baskin/Donuts..2005

You leave home, you move on

And you do the best you can

I got lost in this whole world

And forgot who I am…

Unfortunately, Heather’s ring broke and she lost the stone out of it just a day after she bought them. She returned it and got a new one. The second one did the same thing. So much to her dislike we returned both rings. I wish to this day that I had kept mine. Missing stones or not I would give anything to have that ring back. I can’t even find a picture of one online. I remember it in my mind and that will have to be good enough.

Helzbergs Jewelers just received a new line for Fall. I was looking online and found something that took my breath away. No, it is lab created stones and in sterling silver, and it doesn’t not match the ring that Heather bought for me. But it is the remembrance of a memory and close to the ring she bought me. My thoughtful husband surprised me with this ring last night. He knew I was feeling down because of my current laser treatment making me look so badly. Maybe someday I can have this ring designed into real gold and have the stones be real as well. So while it is not the original ring, it is a memory that I will cherish and be able to show on my finger.