Thanksgiving Thoughts...

I was wondering when you would arrive. I never know the exact time but I always know you will be showing up for the holidays. I have come to count on you. I know you very well and I don’t need to see your ID. I don’t want to let you in but you have a bully club so there is no stopping you from coming in and staying as long as you want to. You ask me if I am happy to see you, I tell you to go away, but you say it is your job to hunt me down and find me each year. I can feel you creeping over me as you come in with no warning, sit down in your most favorite and comfortable chair to make yourself at home in my life for the next few weeks. I am not happy to see you and I thought I put you behind me. I don’t invite you or want you here, but there is nothing that can prevent you from coming right in and making yourself at home in my life. I tell you it is not fair that you keep coming back; I have paid you very well and served my time. But you smile as you settle into your chair, slip off your shoes, put your feet on my table and light your cigar, filling my place with an awful smell. 

Depression arrived this week..I can't pinpoint the day but I know he showed up again. I was not really excited to go see Breaking Dawn this week. That is when I knew he arrived just on schedule. Was I not excited to see Breaking Dawn because Heather loved Twilight? Was it because that was our Christmas Eve movie in 2008? Was it because of the wedding scene that I know I will never have with Heather? Because Bella can have a vampire's baby and I will never see Heather's babies? or finally because she wanted Edward to be real so he could save her when she was in ICU? I saw the movie and it was good...

Here are just a few thoughts about the holidays coming up...more to come later. Just a bit of explanation as to why holidays are so hard. I believe today that I will forever be depressed during the holidays. It will always be there. Why do I not want to be part of huge family gatherings? it is a huge reminder that my Heather, my family will never be together again. As you sit down and have all your family there at the table...mine will forever be broken. My daughter and her future husband and kids are gone. Never to be. I can't screw on my smile and pretend everything is ok and I am having a good time. Sorry, just being honest.

GIVING VS. SELFISH:  Almost all holidays have, as a central theme, a need to remind ourselves how thankful I should be for what has been "given to me" so that my  life is better today. I am reminded during these holidays that I too should be giving to others. Gifts are purchased and shared, food is gifted to others, and volunteers rush to feed the homeless, bell-ringers remind us to drop money in the kettle for the less fortunate. It feels good to give.

Grief is selfish...I have lost, I hurt, I am lonely, I am confused, I need to know me again, I need to be comforted, I am angry, I am sad, etc...When we lose someone we focus on ourselves. The job of grieving is the job of re-identifying the self...thus I am very SELFISH. I am not focused outward, I am focused inward. I often feel there is something "wrong" with me because prior to my significant loss I always felt good giving during the holidays and now I feel "bad" because I am unable to dredge up the "giving spirit".

FAMILY REUNIONS: Traditions dictate that holidays bring a family unit together to celebrate the occasions as a whole family. A sense of support that comes from a family unit can be of great solace. So too can the lack of support from a family unit be a major problem for us during the holidays.

Those less affected by the loss may be less inclined to be sympathetic and supportive to us. Without knowing it, the less affected may expect other family members to be at the same level in the grieving process. Other family members may feel there is something "wrong' with them because they are not as far along in the process.