You're Gone

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone

 ~You're Gone~ Diamond Rio~

I had placed the oval bunny linen on the dining room table and gotten out the bunny and chick shaped placemats in preparation for Easter. The house had been cleaned from all the months of placing stuff during cancer. I had cleaned to have Christmas parties, baby showers and a Super Bowl party in 2009. Now was the time to begin to think about spring and Easter. Jenn and Wendy’s birthdays were coming. It was the same linens that I always used, they were my favorite ones. Now they were out on the table and I could begin thinking about spring.

Who would have thought that this table cloth would remain on my dining room table till November that year? I piled bills, EOB statements, hospital notes, sympathy cards, paperwork, junk, junk and more junk that I would get around to going through someday soon. I wasn’t sure when I reached the bottom and saw the Easter table cloth and placemats that I ever wanted to see or use them again. But with me, I place everything away and wait a year and see how things look and feel before I make a decision about getting rid of anything. Here it is 3 years later and I have placed the oval bunny cloth on my rectangle table and I am using the bunny and chick placemats.

some of the ty bunnies that heather had...more to come

 Funny how time changes things…or I should say some things. Some things remain ever close in my heart and mind. I am bombarded at every store with Easter and bunny things. I can’t help but hug and pet and squeeze some bunnies as I walk by them. I feel I will always be looking at bunnies for the rest of my life. How the simple enjoyment of peeps or jelly beans can actually make me tear up. Fruit flavored tootsie rolls were Heather’s favorite. Every store is selling something for Easter; Easter candy, bunnies, baskets, cards or food for the special Easter dinner. 

 March and April are very tricky months for me. I have this silly photographic memory that really doesn’t let much slip by. For the rest of the world it is just a time of Spring Training baseball games, the beginning of Nascar, the arrival of Spring, end of Daylight Savings Time and Easter. It also has Jenn’s birthday, Heather’s admission day to Banner for the last time, Wendy’s birthday, Heather’s cancer diagnosis anniversary, somewhere in there is Easter and then the day Heather died. Usually within 2 weeks after her death day I get the joy of celebrating Mother’s Day. Many have told me not to dwell on these days. Well, I am here to tell you that I have no control over this or my emotions. My body knows exactly what time of year it is regardless of if I remember it or not.

heather loved ladybugs...this one was her and now rides on my dash

 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), once called shell shock or battle fatigue syndrome, is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. 

Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped 

into three main categories:

Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.

Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.

Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea and diarrhea.

While I do not have an official diagnosis of PTSD I know that this is exactly what I have. Not only dealing with cancer but then one year and 10 days after Heather’s cancer diagnosis I was faced with her death. Many people do not understand the full scope of cancer and death, let alone the death of a child. 

aunt missy would be so proud of her playing with all the mouses

 December’s depression was added by the moving out of Wendy and snookie. While I do not want to keep them here, it is a life change that was hard. Any life change that comes along is very difficult to go through. As we come into this difficult time Jenn has announced that she will be moving out the end of March. I am happy that my girls have wings to fly and I want them to fly. Just a huge change as the house will be empty for the first time ever since we moved here 18 years ago. It will be a huge change as I have had kids living in my house for the last 26 years. It will be a huge change as Bill and I will go back to being just him and me the way we were before Jenn came along. In a “normal” family situation this is a time of happy tears and some sadness. In the grieving world it is a tail spin into depression. I have every intention of meeting this challenge head on. Just didn’t realize when the girls decided to fly away that they would both be flying away within 4 months of each other. But I am very happy and proud of both of them for moving on and heading forward into their own lives.

Snookie enjoying the sun and the sand...same one her momma, gigi and aunt missy played in

 Like last year I plan to use the gym and exercise to help relieve some stress and depression. While this does not get rid of all of it, the sweat and endorphins help me greatly and the added incentive not to binge eat on sweets so I don’t have to spend hours on the treadmill. This also helps me stay out of the stores and away from the bunnies and peeps and all the reminders of this most difficult time coming up.