Candle In The Wind...

And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind…

The candle burned out long before your legend ever did…

Hello again, I knew you would come back. Just like in the past you come back into my world every 356 days. Little did I know how my world was going to fall apart in a few short hours. The memories of that day have not faded. My body knows better than I do. I can just feel this day coming at me like a run-away freight train.

I am transported back to that day and my heart pounds in my chest; I begin to feel uptight and sick to my stomach. I have to force myself to think about something else. All the images and visions come flooding to my mind. I have held the dam for 354 days and now suddenly it bursts and the images go into every corner of my mind and thoughts.  No place is safe or untouched by the rushing water that seems to be swirling around me trying to drag me under. As I come up to the surface I grab a huge lung full of air as I am dragged under by the current of emotions hanging onto me and pulling me under. My hope is that I find something to hang onto, something of substance to grab onto and ride out the current flood something good to make my heart smile and be happy if only for a few moments.

March 19 was the beginning of my past, present and future nightmares. There is nothing I can dream that really compares to what Heather endured and what I watched feared and anguished over for 33 days. Each day it was more and more bad news, only at the time of going through it, I didn’t see it. As I go back and read the CaringBridge I realize that there was very, very little good news. I look back in amazement and wonder how did I survive? How did I keep going back day after day? How did I sit in that room and listen and watch? How did I keep it together? How did I smile and greet friends and go on with life when Heather was dying? My answer is I don’t know how, other than I loved Heather more than my own life. I would not allow her to go through this alone. I would not run or be a coward. I would face each day and trial head on.

My precious Wendy has come up with an idea that I am going to steal from her. She told me today that she remembered what tomorrow was and said she was going to burn a candle in the window every night till April 20. This is to symbolize the suffering and pain Heather went through. I was brought to tears sitting at Rubio’s trying to eat lunch today. So, I am going to use an electric candle in Heather’s window and light it every night from March 19-April 20. I am going to set it on a timer to come on at night and go off in the morning. A single light burning in her window to let her light shine to the world.

And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind…

The candle burned out long before your legend ever did…