Hares and 1000 Island Dressing...

 These days seem to drag on and time is standing still. Not that I am in a huge hurry to get days over with, it just seems that from March 19-April 20 the days just drag and time has no here or there. I am me but I am not me as I feel that I am just going through the motions to move time forward. At times it feels like I am on the outside watching myself and just even disconnected with my own self. Still after three years I can envision the long days sitting at the hospital and believing my nightmare was going to be over soon. But with each passing day it got worse and worse. I look back now and do not know how I had the strength to get through each day.

I came by today to see you
Oh I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that 

I held you was the last time
I'd have held you, and never let go

As I sit outside today in the shade getting warm I remember what today is…the last time I would ever hear Heather’s voice. To have Heather die after all we went through was a terrible tragedy but to have her on a vent where we could not communicate with her or inter-act with her was medieval torture. The only silver lining is that we did not have to look into her eyes and actually tell her they have done all they can, nothing more can be done for you and I am sorry baby but you are going to die. Many leukemia parents are faced with the horrible decision to tell their child what is happening. I certainly will not say we had the easy way out, not with all the emergency procedures that were done to save her life.

A comic about bunnies that was in Heather's things

Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering
I lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time

Some people, and I like the term some people or someone because that way I don’t have to tell you the name or names of the people who “think” they know what is best for me, think I dwell and spend too much of my time grieving and talking about the past. It is time for me to move on. They think I can just pick up, turn off the thoughts and move on as if nothing happened. I think it interesting that “people” never tell a cancer survivor they should get over it. Never tell a burn survivor to move on and quit talking about it. But for some reason, lose a child and the world wants you to be happy; don’t talk about it because I can’t stand to see you hurting or sad.

Front of an actual card currently at Hallmark

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I endured cancer, no not me personally but the closest I could be with cancer without having it myself. No, I didn’t have the toxic chemo run thru my veins, but I did hold her hand, stay with her nearly every moment she was in the hospital and be her caregiver. Cancer for the caregiver is just as real as if it is happening to them. I think it is worse when it is your child, a piece of me that I created and grew inside my body. I would have given anything to have traded places with her and taken all that from her. As bad as the cancer was, the time in ICU was 100 times worse.

I remember the last time I saw you
Oh, you held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were 

standing out in the crowd
Your such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Inside of the card at Hallmark-Hit the nail right on the head

So why do I dwell? Why do I talk about it? Why can’t I move on? *Cancer and Heather dying is part of me. Like going to college, raising kids, or getting married. I am not going to hog my journey. This was not just for me. Think of how many people I could possible touch or reach with my life story. I can take my pain and experience and shove it deep in my pockets and take it to the grave with me. Or I can help someone it is my choice and I choose to share my story with anyone who will or will not listen to me.*

Yes, Heaven was needing a hero
and that's you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5eFPivMTDE&feature=related

I can be laughing one minute and then brought to tears the next. I can go from being in a great mood to feeling despair and doom within the same second. Can look at common everyday items and relate them to cancer and Heather. I think I should begin a new 7 Levels of Cancer/Heather. Something as simple a Glad Press and Seal can make me smile and cry in the same moment. To the rest of the world it is just a way to seal fruit or dip into a bowl. For me it is what I used to wrap Heather’s arm with her PICC line in to keep it from getting wet. One of the other issues of cancer is keeping the ports dry. It was a regular sight in her bathroom to have Press and Seal and Coban tape all over the counter along with her robe hanging on the back of the door.

If you see me getting’ smaller

I’m leavin’

Don’t be grieving

Just got to get away from here

If you see me getting’ smaller

Don’t worry

I’m in no hurry

I’ve got a right to disappear

~Country Strong~Waylon Jennings~

*Transcribed into my own words from Hoda Kobt’s book

 “How I Survived War Zones, Bad Hair, Cancer and Kathie Lee"