The Imaginary Ending....

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is

Then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength

To make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I would have never imagined that losing a child

Would leave such a large hole in my life.

Like missing the last chapter in a favorite book.

It just ends without making a lot of sense.

You have to imagine the ending yourself.

~Bill Coombe~

Time passes and marches forward whether we want to or not. One thing that cannot be stopped is time moving forward. Here it is nearly the middle of March…and three years ago we were probably the happiest we could be. We had three daughters and a granddaughter, all healthy and whole, and yet so unaware of the horrible nightmare we were about to enter.

Time is supposes to ease the pain and make the hurt go away. Right now I am supposed to be remembering only the good memories and times we had. I suppose that is true to a certain extent. But at the same time…as time marches on it makes the loss seem harder to bear. But how is that possible? I didn’t have time to really fully comprehend that Heather was going to and did die. We continued to have high, high hopes that Heather was going to make a full recovery. Till the morning of Sunday April 19. That was the first time we had been told there was not hope and we needed to make a decision. What decision? There is no decision!!! She is going to be okay…wake me from this nightmare. I began going through the motions. It was not me, I was on the outside of me looking in; watching myself do everything. I made decisions, called people, visited with people that came by to say good bye. But even then it was not clear. I was in a fog, a daze of robotic motion to do what I had to do. I was going to be the strong mother that did not allow Heather to hear fear or tears in my voice. And to that promise that I made myself, I was true. I lay next to my baby and told her it was ok to go, that I would be fine, no tears and no wavering.

During the first year I hit all the first milestones of living without Heather. I braced for each one with unexpected promise that somehow I would make it through the day and live to move forward to the next one. The cruelest fate is that Mother’s Day was a short 18 days after Heather died.  Each holiday or event was different but yet the same. Screwing on a smile to act like the day was great, but missing Heather ever more on those days.

Now I understand that year #2 is harder because it becomes clear that this new life is PERMANENT!! I cannot get out of it or change it. I have to spend the rest of my existence on earth without my Heather, my child, my baby, a living part of my own flesh. Instead of bracing for the important days and events, I can see a lifetime of milestones without Heather here to share in them. The memory of Heather in ICU is still clear in my mind, but the pain of not having her here with me is sharp and center in my mind. Well-meaning people expect now that year #1 and almost #2 have passed by that I am “doing better,” “moved on” or they assume I have stopped talking about Heather altogether. Worse yet is my own memories of her are fading…her voice, her gestures, the feel of her hugs.

I find myself staring at young women her age. I wonder would she be married now? Maybe bought her first house? Moved out of the area? (This one is very doubtful) How long would her hair be now? I know many of her likes and dislikes as she was older and her personality had developed. I miss her love of Hello Kitty, Minnie Mouse, make-up, eating out, going to movies and buying diet coke for her Momy.

At this time of year I relive Heather’s last trip to Banner Baywood. It is the time of year and there is just so much horrible stuff. Looking back now I really honestly do not know how I survived. I can honestly say it was the grace of God. Every day she got worse and worse and endured so much. But every day I went and sat and watched and cared and talked to Heather. Some people think that I have no faith because I do not attend church right now and I haven’t in 4 years. I have to honestly say that I have more faith that many, because I had to let go of my child and allow God to take her home to be with Him. I have great faith in heaven, that yes it is REAL and I have a Savior and a daughter waiting for me. I cannot let Heather go and still be functioning without great faith in God. I am also reminded that God sent His Son, not his brother, sister, spouse, aunt, uncle or friend. God sent His only begotten Son. I think this is the most important not only for salvation, but God knew that this was the most horrible kind of grief. When grieving mothers cry out to God, He can say, I know…I know!!

You're in a better place,

I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times

I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken,

The reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is

Then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength

To make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me,

The hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

 
In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

 So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have