Mother Number One....

I thought I would take a few posts and try to share my feelings about my mothers and Mother's Day. The words I write still cannot convey all the feelings and emotions I have on this subject. I have had a total of 4 mothers-birth mother, Jane; adopted mother, Jo Beth; step mother, Norma and mother in law, Margaret. You would think with this many women in my life that I would be well rounded and look to Mother's Day as a time to thank and praise the women in my world. I can only do this for one woman. The only woman who even began to show me any kind of love and support at all; my beloved mother in love, Margaret Coombe. She will be a few posts away....

Jo Beth, Sherry and Jim September 1966

I always knew that I was adopted. I have no idea when it was told to me; it was just always there. My life with my adopted mother was torture and hell on earth. She was emotionally and physically abusive to me for 9 years. She was never able to do anything with me due to her health being so fragile. But she was seeking attention more than actual health issues.  I remember watching other girls with their mothers and I thought to myself that birth mother have to love their babies. They carried and gave birth to them. This must be the problem in my life.

I had always been told that I needed to be thankful to Jo Beth for her saving me from a life of being in a orphanage. I would be no where if it was not for her and her love for me. She offered me a life where I could go to school and make something of myself. At a very young age I had to be perfect in public. I had to be dressed like a 3 yr old but act like a mature adult. I was not a bad little girl, but I was a little girl, full of energy and wanting to do kid things. I had no friends or brothers and sisters. I was a very lonely child. This forced all of Jo Beth's attention to me. I had to be perfect in everything. She was very controlling. At the age of 5 I could no longer have birthday parties. They were for babies. When we moved into the new house I had 2 rooms and a bathroom that had to be kept perfectly clean. When I was about 6 Jo Beth began doing a white glove test when she would come check my room to see how clean it was. I say I was grounded since birth.

When Jo Beth died in February 1975 I was relieved. I felt like I had been set free from bondage. I had become a very nervous child and bit my fingernails. I never knew what would set her off. Punishment could be simply verbal abuse with ugly words. Or the much more dreaded physical abuse. I lived in constant fear of what was next. I could not understand why I felt nothing for this woman. I was glad she was gone from my life. It sounded horrible at the time and it has taken me years to be able to say this out loud.

In my search for my birth mother, Jane, I also received my case study notes and my adoption file. It was very shocking to read. Everything that I had known in my heart was now being verified in print. In 1964, the home was NOT approved for the placement of a baby. It is not stated as to why. Then something changed, again not stated, in June 1965 and the home was approved for a baby. In the character study of Jo Beth, it was stated that many social workers would have never placed a baby in this home with Jo Beth. The following are quotes from this report that I received concerning my placement in this home:

"I am not real sure that Mrs. Blake wanted a child, but she would not say this and I could not draw her out enough to get evidence to deny this home for the placement of a baby. It is my opinion that Mrs. Blake is not capable of showing affection. Sherry was placed on December 20, 1965 and the agency  needs to watch the bonding between Mrs. Blake and the child." (report 2/18/66)

"I did notice that during my visit Mrs. Blake did not pick up the child at all. She took a great deal of pride in the child but never did anything for the child during my visit. I would say that Mrs. Blake does most of the thinking for the child and the care and work is done by Mr. Blake. He appeared very talkative during the visit but Mrs. Blake dominated the conversation. I would say this is not an extremely close couple, but Mr. Blake stated the gap was closing with the focus of a child. I feel the family thinking is done by Mrs. Blake. I feel she is the driver of the family and Mr. Blake does usually follows her wishes. However, there is a limit where Mr. Blake will not follow. Relationship between Mrs. Blake and the child need to be watched closely." (report 5/24/66)

"Mrs. Blake commented that they have made no lifestyle changes since the arrival of the child. This is an odd statement to make about a child being in the home. Mrs. Blake is definitely an introvert. She is unable to show affection of any kind in front of adult strangers. The child is new to this family but I do feel that she is more a less a new play thing  to Mrs. Blake. It is noted that Mr. Blake still dotes over the child. The moment he walked in the door he went immediately to the child and picked her up. This seemed to be the feeling for the child as she responded very well to him being home. There appears to be little bonding between Mrs. Blake and the child. I do intend to watch Mrs. Blake closely over the next 4-6 months to see how this relationship develops." (report 9/15/66)

"This is my final report before the case is closed. I have followed this family from its beginning. While Mrs. Blake shows more affection to the child, I feel it could be more. However, this may be all that Mrs. Blake is capable of giving to the child. While I still have reservations about the final approval for this home, they have meet all the requirements. My recommendation is this child be approved for final placement." (report 1/25/67)

My final adopting decree leaving me in this home was approved March 22, 1967. 

When I received this paperwork it explained so much. I thought I was crazy to feel the ways that I did about Jo Beth. I wondered why did I feel no love toward this woman who supposed raised me till I was 9. I understand why the bond was with my father. Basically he was the mother figure in my life. This gave me the freedom to finally say that I was not better off with this woman. I do not love or respect Jo Beth in any way. She was never a mother.

The way in which Jo Beth died is something that no child should experience either. She awoke on Wednesday morning at about 6am calling for my dad. She could not walk. (I slept with my parents every night) I ran to get my dad. He got her back into bed and she made sure I was shipped off to school. I was in the 4th grade at the same school that Jo Beth taught. When my dad came to pick me up from school, he told me that Jo Beth had needed to go to the bathroom shortly after I left. He tried to help her, but something happened and she fell. She was laying on the floor on the side of the bed since early that morning. Her eyes were open but she was not able to talk or move. Later we would learn that she had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Basically she was dead, just her heart and lungs were still working. My dad had tried all day to get a doctor to come to the house. He was too afraid to move her. Doctors were not making house calls due to high malpractice and 911 had not yet been activated. 

I came home to find Jo Beth laying on her side of the bed. Her face was turned to the wall so I could see her face. Her left arm was up by her head and the right arm was underneath her. She was laying on her stomach. My dad told me we were going to change her pajamas because a doctor was coming. She had wet all over herself and the floor. When we rolled her over I thought it weird how her arms would return to the way they had been when she was on the floor. I didn't realize at the time that the stiffness of death was why. 

When the doctor arrived at 10 pm things got hopping really quickly. He looked to my dad and said why didn't you tell me she was so bad off. The doctor called for an ambulance right away. When the paramedics arrived and placed Jo Beth on the gurney she began to convulse and throw up. Only at this moment did I become sacred and tell my dad I didn't want to go to the hospital. I had been in and out of the room for 7 hours with her like that.  I stayed with a teacher friend of my parents.  Thursday morning before school began my dad came to tell me that Jo Beth had died early that morning. Jo Beth was teaching Monday and Tuesday, got sick Wednesday, died Thursday and the funeral was Sunday....8 short months later my dad remarried....