Gestational Unit....

I was conceived in secret

Although now I know

You plotted and planned

To trick and deceive.

Not sure of my fate

You had other options

Your plan had backfired

For me it was too late.

Abortion was not legal

For this I am thankful

I would have been another victim

You goal complete.

As I grew inside

Did you care?

Did you love?

As you felt me move and grow?

You did not hold me

You never looked back

Turned over in a instant

For others to raise.

Your life went on

Husband and kids

Did you wonder?

Did you think..about me?

How can mother love 5 and not 6

I will never understand

Your kids think you perfect

But I know the truth.

I hate that I give you any thought

I hate to waste one second on you

For I know that a woman so hard

Must not have a heart at all.

~Horrible Mother by me~

When I speak of Jane, my birth mother, I call her my gestational DNA unit. Mother is a name reserved for people who at least try to pretend they love you. Some have said at least she didn't abort you. Abortion was not legal till 1973...nearly 8 years after I was born. There were illegal abortions but Jane in no way had the money to afford one. But I am sure the thought did cross her mind. I feel certain that she did everything that might possibly cause a miscarriage. She told me matter of factly that she bound herself very tightly so I would not be showing while she continued to work while pregnant.

Jane with Spike-Yes!! I look just like her with this face--ugh!!!

I was eager to find my birth mother because in some way I felt that I would finally have a mother; a real mother, my mother. I found my birth mother, Jane, in June of 1993. I was thrilled she had signed the papers to allow her contact information to be given to me. I was overjoyed when I found out she lived only 3 hours away from me. I called her immediately when I got the number. I wanted to meet her as soon as possible. It had been over 32 years since my birth. I figured since she signed the papers she would be eager as well. Our 1^st phone call DID NOT go well. She did not want to meet me and thought it best to write letters to each other. Really??? Your daughter, 1^st born child, has just contacted you and you want to write letters…..WOW!!

 It was only when we were moving to Arizona and I told her I had no motivation to come back across country that she even agreed to meet me. We finally met in October, 1993. I got lost driving in backwoods Iowa in the dark. No, she did not come to meet me. When I pulled into the driveway she ran out like a scared chicken and told me don’t call her mom in front of my half sister, Linell. No hug, no tears of happiness, no I am so glad to see you, no long looks at each other to see if we look alike. There was nothing. This is an odd thing to meet your daughter/mother for the first time and there be nothing. I was introduced as a “friend of the family" to anyone I met that weekend. She would not acknowledge to anyone I was her daughter. I felt as if I was nothing to her. The next time I visited in June 1994, Jane took great delight at introducing me as her daughter and watching the shocked looks on people’s faces. I was her trophy to be shown off to people then. I should have run away and not begun to try to have a relationship with such a cold hearted, unfeeling person.

One of the only photos of my daughters with that woman-Jenn, Wendy, Heather-1993

 During this first meeting, my half sister, Linell, felt the need to dominate the entire evening and well into the morning hours. Jane and I did not get a private moment to talk till 2am. When we did my mother told me all kinds of lies. She lied about how long she knew my father. Said she didn’t know he was married or had other children. She said he was a horrible man. But the biggest lie of them all was the one about how she got pregnant and what happened after. I fell for it all hook line and sinker. I never questioned her about this. I had lost my adopted dad, Jim, and had no intention of looking for my birth father. Especially after all she told me.

We never talk, Jane has never have come to visit me, and I have not been to visit her since 1995.  In 1995 when I came to visit I drove 1800 miles, was bringing a son-in-law she had never met and she had a wedding to go to. Not that I minded, but it was a distant relative and I think it would have been ok for her to bow out gracefully. Instead she made my family and me feel that our effort to visit was no big deal. Nothing special.

Wendy sitting on Linell-2 other sisters and Jenn-June 1994

 Jane has never asked me, “Sherry will you come for a visit??” I miss seeing you. Most normal parents that have a relationship with their kids want to see and hear from them, want to be part of their lives. The letters that she wrote to me was surface things at best and always ended with mowing the lawn. The girls ever commented about how all their letters said the same thing. I have never gotten a comment about how beautiful my daughters are. I never hear that because she doesn’t know them nor did she care to know anything about them. 

Wendy had a scare with a mass on her kidney in 2005. I called Jane to tell her. I told her we would be doing testing and then make a decision as to where we go. We were looking at going to Mayo Clinic or some other treatment place. I was scared and had no idea what we were facing. I never heard form her again. She never called back. I got busy with all the plans and surgery. I simply did not call her. When I called her to talk to her about my dad I asked her why she never called to find out what happened with her granddaughter. She told me she had her bags packed to make the trip to Rochester to Mayo. I find it very interesting that she had the bags ready to go without calling me to find out what was happening. Again, just another excuse for her lack of care and concern. Wendy’s cyst was just fluid filled.

Me, the girls with Spike and Linell's 1st husband-June 1994

 I tried but never could break though the wall that Jane had built. I would later learn that I was dealing with the most dishonest, manipulative woman in the world. When I met my birth father, Harry, in January 2005, her lies were exposed. I learned the truth and oh what a truth. Jane had an affair with him for well over 2 years. She knew he was married and had kids. The plan of how to trick him into marrying Jane began when Harry’s wife got pregnant with their 4^th child. She figured that if she got pregnant, Harry would leave his wife and be with her. Like most plans, it backfired. Then Jane was stuck with a baby she never wanted or loved. I was used as a means for her to get a better life for herself. Jane grew up poor and hard working. Harry had money and so she went after him with everything she had. I was the left over that got throw away like yesterday’s garbage.

I tried when Heather got sick to make amends with Jane. But once again all she wanted was to play games with me. I called her when Heather developed the blood clots in her brain. I was scared to death. I reached out to Jane once again. I foolishly thought I needed a mother. I talked to her husband and left him my cell phone number. That happened April 29, 2008. I am still waiting for her to call me back. I did however learn that I supposedly gave him the wrong cell phone number. Jane’s daughters have the internet and they all had the CaringBridge site. My email, cell phone and home address are on that site. Convenient that after all this time I learn that Jane cannot contact me because I gave her the wrong number. This is the most absurd lie I have ever heard. It was too freaking tough for her to deal with. Like all the other tough things in Jane’s life-SHE RAN AWAY!!..She would rather hide and be the most cowardly person I have ever met. What a poor excuse for a caring human being. 

Jenn with Raven, Heather with Ryan and Wendy-Cousins-June 1994

 I am so beyond the stupid games of a lying, manipulative bitter, cold-hearted woman who cannot see the hurt of her own daughter and more importantly her granddaughter. I am dumbfounded as to how a so-called terrific, wonderful, awesome, and best mother in the whole world could treat a child, her child the way she has treated me. Forget the past and all the things that happened. Just the way I was treated when Heather had cancer and died is enough for me to honestly say I am sorry I ever found her. Who sends their daughter a generic 1975 sympathy card when her daughter dies?? Mine did. I hate the fact that she is my mother and wish I could have had any other woman in the entire world other than her be my mother. Jane did not deserve the right to know my family and me. She is the one that missed the memories and joy she could have had with Heather in her life. I would say that I feel sorry for Jane, but she created the tormented that she lives in. She made choices and frankly I just don’t give a damn about her at all.

The photos posted are the only photos I have...