Never Far From A Memory...

" I would like to say that a park was named after Heather,

Or a important piece of legislation passes 

Congress in Heather's name,

Or because of Heather's journey a new treatment or cure for Leukemia was found,

But none of that happened...

Heather died.

No fanfare, no parade

She is just gone 

And a little piece of blue sky has gone with her

We who remain have to learn how to go on without her."

~From a movie~

You would think after 2 years Heather would not be so fore front on my mind all the time. Well, I am here to tell you she is. I have gone from thinking about her every milli-second to thinking about her every second. For me, it is a huge change. There are seconds in a day when I find myself thinking something else. Then I get mad at myself for not remembering her. It is a give and take relationship right now. More like a battle in my mind. I want to move on but to move on I have to begin to forget and not think about her every second. But I don't want to forget her. SO the battle rages on in my mind and thoughts.

New cookie jar...a bunny..what else would it be??? He is sooo cute...

So...you could ask me how in the world would antique shopping make me nearly cry and bring back a flood a of memories. Antique shopping is looking at old stuff and Heather has just barely crossed the antique age. By the way-20 years and older is considered an antique. Many years ago our family spent lots of weekends in Prescott. Prescott is known for its quaint little antique shoppes around the courthouse square. On several occasions we, the girls and I, came across a crazy looking stuffed bear. Usually he was ratty looking and he had an Olympic rings belt on. We came across 3-4 per store and in several stores. We joked and commented about this crazy bear. This happened for several trips to the antique stores. It was a funny joke. We began counting how many silly bears we could find.

Misha-silly bear

This weekend, Bill and I went antique shopping. Several of my favorite ones have closed in the past few years. But we recently found a good one close to home. As we walked and looked I saw many wonderful treasures. As soon as you pick something up and begin to walk with it an employee will ask you if they can take it up to the counter for you with your name. This happens in every antique store. I already had several things waited to be purchased. As I walked by a booth, there he was....the same silly bear with the Olympic rings belt. I had not seen one since the days of Prescott. A flood of memories and good times filled with laughter came rushing to my mind. The good ole days..when everything was right with the world..

I smiled and laughed..asked Bill if he remembered...then took a photo to send to Jenn and Wendy. Jenn immediately knew what I was talking about. Wendy, was not so clear about the memory. I know if Heather were here she would have been laughing so hard. She would have told me "Mom you have to buy that!" The 2nd antique store of the day revealed a ceramic statue of this little bear. I had no idea they had ceramic bears like this. Needless to say the smaller bear statue ended up coming home with me. It is a huge reminder of a much happier time in my world.

Ceramic Misha in the store

Misha at home

In 1977, the committee organizing the Olympics held a contest for the best illustration of a bear. The judges chose Victor Chizhikov's design depicting a smiling bear cub wearing a blue-black-yellow-green-red (colors of the Olympic rings) belt, with a golden buckle shaped like the five rings. Misha was confirmed as an official mascot on December 19th, 1977.

Misha is the first mascot of a sporting event to achieve large-scale commercial success as merchandise. The Misha doll was used extensively during the opening and closing ceremonies, had a TV animated cartoon and appeared on several merchandise products, now things commonly practiced not only in the Olympic Games, also in the FIFA World Cup and others events' mascots. 

Since this is called Confessions, I figured it would be good to have a confession. I told you back in January that I had begun going back to the gym. My goal was to get my blood pressure back to normal and to lose the weight that grief had put back on. I am here to confess that after 4 months of going to the gym and watching what I eat I have lost 21 pounds. I am 9 pounds from what I weighted when Heather got sick. I am a total of 16 pounds from being at my goal weight. I am very pleased with myself and what I have been able to do. I have felt like my life is out of my control since Heather was diagnosed with cancer. I could not control or stop any thing that happened to Heather, me or my family. I feel like I have control over myself now. Hard to explain. I am lifting weights, not to get buff, but to tone. I still find it a daily struggle to go everyday for 5 days a week. I would much rather do something else. I have also had a very strict food intact as well. I am only at the gym doing my workout for a maximum of 1 hours and 10 minutes. I will do higher inclines and more weight. I am not going to add more time. Currently I am doing 4 hrs/25 minutes of cardio, walking nearly 17 miles and strength training for 90 minutes a week.

Treadmill calorie count for 1 hour-speed is 4.0 inclines are 6-16

Today I went to lunch with a dear friend. She handed me a gift. Said she saw this and thought of me. It was a mother/daughter lighted glass globe. I love the fact that she did this. It means so much more than words can say.  Even though I am not her mother, she saw me and Heather. That hits my heart. Thank you very much. It was like a gift from Heather through her. I will never receive gifts from Heather again. My friend was the messenger. Like I have said before it is fine to mention Heather's name and we can talk about her. I don't always burst into tears. I mostly save those moments for Bill and Stacey.

"It is okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.."

~My Sister's Keeper~