What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say....
~Country Strong~
The 1st year is complete and total shock. No other words for it. You go through the motions but looking back only remember bits and pieces of what you did. Every day is the 1st day of that year without your child. You are still getting used to the idea that they are gone. You are physically and emotionally drained as you try to go day to day with your "new" life. Simple things require the biggest amount of effort..like getting dressed in the morning...
The 2nd year is coming to grips with the realization that this is PERMANENT!! My daughter is never coming back and I have to learn to live without her. It is also the year that the few people that have stuck beside me are really growing tired of listening to me talk about her. It is a year in which people forget more and expect you to be "normal" again. After all they gave us 2 years to grieve. That should be plenty.
Each day as the 20th gets closer I find myself more and more tired. Sleep doesn't help this kind of tired. I have begun sleeping restlessly and the nightmares have begun. I say nightmares because they show me a living and happy Heather only to wake to find her dead again. I have still be going to the gym. I think this helps. I would be eating tons of cheesecake if it wasn't for the fact I am working so hard at the gym. I find myself wanting the comfort foods again. So far I have no given in.
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| TY Heather bunny~only one at the hallmark |
Have you ever seen a butterfly fluttering around and thought..."it was sent here just for me"? That is what this week has been. Nearly everyday there has been something that is Heather sending her love from heaven. Monday was the straps form Heather's ball gown. Wednesday we received an envelope that had lots of little notes that Heather wrote as she was playing with her sisters. (not happy with they way it was sent, but glad I have them nevertheless) Thursday, Bill was at the Hallmark store at Chandler Fashion Mall and there was only one TY purple Heather bunny sitting on the shelf. Thursday as well, I was in the Disney store and happened across the limited edition Rapunzel Tower. Then today my bell from Ben's Bells arrived. I loved it so much I ordered another one and plan to to mark each year. Unfortunately within a few years I will have lots of beautiful bells chiming on my back porch. All of these little things are Heather saying I love you..I am still here...
It will be interesting to see what this next week brings. Monday will always be the day. This year the 20th is Wednesday....All kinds of things can happen on those 3 days. I am hoping beyond all hope that my diamond arrives on the 20th. Not sure why it has been delayed the way it has been. It is with the jeweler and he is fixing it. But it has been there for over 2 weeks. I have asked that it be here on the 20th...What else would I expect...Heather has to make a grand entrance...
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| New limited Tangled Tower... |
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