24~Months...

She flew up to heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waitin'

And i know she's smiling saying', "Don't worry 'bout me"....

~Sissy's Song-Alan Jackson~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCvgXw-Bh04&feature=av2e

Monday morning, April 20, 2009, Bill and I went to the corner McDonald's right by our home for breakfast. This is a stop I had been making for the past few weeks every morning on my way to the hospital. I would order my McGriddle sandwich with no egg and a large diet coke. Most mornings I would fill the cup, drink and fill it again before grabbing my sandwich and heading out the door. I usually ate this in the car as I didn't want to bring smells into Heather's ICU room. This morning was different. More than likely this would be the last morning I would stop on my way to the hospital. It would hopefully be coming to an end later in the day. (Not that I wanted Heather to die, but if there was no hope, why keep her alive with machines?)

Stacey and Shawna were meeting us at the hospital. They needed to be with us as we made our final decisions. We needed to be on our way to begin what was to be the most horrible day of my existence. As Bill and I walked out of the McDonald's we ran into Walter, a co-worker of Heather's from Kohl's. Walter thought that Heather was the greatest thing in the world. he hugged me and told me he knew...he knew how I felt. His daughter had been attacked by her boyfriend or husband and hit over the head with a tire iron. She was in a vegetative state and then died. His heart was breaking for us.

I sent Bill ahead as I wanted to stop at Safeway to get boxes of tissue. (Why in the world the hospital can charge so much and not have softer tissue is beyond me.) I told Bill to wait for me in the parking lot and not to go in. I had Heather's ball gown to bring in as well. As I pulled into the parking lot of the Safeway I turned up the radio. Tears filled my eyes and I sat there and sobbed and sobbed at this song I was hearing for the first time. All I heard was the chorus and the second verse. Alan Jackson had hit the nail on the head again with his song, Sissy's Song. This is what I heard as I pulled into the parking lot:

Loved ones she left behind

Just tryin' to survive

And understand the why

Feeling so lost inside

Anger shot straight at God

Then askin' for His love

Empty with disbelief

Just hopin' that maybe

She flew up to heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waitin'

And I know she's smiling saying', "Don't worry 'bout me"....

The ring in the box when it 1st arrived

Heather had not died yet and I missed her so much. Bill and I thought we were going to the hospital to sign the papers to stop life support for Heather. When we got there, I placed Heather's ball gown on top of her. Monica, her nurse, already had her tiara on her head. Stacey and Shawna arrived and then Dr. Anthony came to talk to us. She asked us to not make any decisions. Bill and I were so confused at this point. Dr. Anthony said they were taking the sedating drugs off to see if there was any activity at all (brain activity). Bill and I both panicked as we DID NOT want to wake Heather up to tell her good bye. We did not understand that more than likely Heather died on Thursday when her lung collapsed and she was down for over an hour. Just her body being so young and strong it didn't quit fighting. Her vital signs were going down hill fast and doctors and nurses knew that it would be a matter of hours and Heather would take charge and go herself. Making sure Mom and Dad DID NOT have to make the decision. The only 2 things that Heather did quickly was her birth and her death. Both were just over 2 hours from beginning to end.

As Heather's Momy, it was my job to tell her to go. I had asked the nurses earlier in the day to move her over so I could lay next to her when time came. As evening came it became very clear that time was short. With help I crawled into bed next to my baby girl for the last time. We shared her IPOD earphones. She had one and I had one. I was holding her hand and Bill was holding our hands. We were listening to to Amy Grant's Legacy album. The song that was playing when Heather died was "What You Already Own:"

Do You protect what You already own

I give You my body

Naked and meek

Burning with passion

Human and weak

I try to be faithful

Then I go wrong

Can You protect what You already own????

I was talking to Heather in her ear the entire time. Telling her things and saying how much I loved her. I also told her over and over it was ok to let go...that we would be ok. That was my job. In the words of  M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias.....

"There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. 

I realize as a woman how lucky I am.

I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life 

and I was there when she drifted out. 

It was the most precious moment of my life."

The moment we realized that she had died Amy Grant was singing "It Is Well With My Soul." 

Top view

In life I learned that I never rushed Heather. Not in walking, eating or getting ready for something. It almost made her go slower if you tried to rush her. In the process of creating a diamond with her ashes was no different. Heather needed to make a grand entrance and took her own sweet time about arriving. After many months of waiting and wondering, my stunning Red Heather diamond arrived on Tuesday; right in-between Monday, the day of the week, that she died and the 20th, the date that she died. Photos do not do it justice. Everything about it is Royal and classic and beautiful like Heather was and is to me. More photos to come.

You can see the color and sparkle

Please be patient with me as I have so much to share with you. I don't want to make these posts so long that you do not wish to read them. Over the coming days I will be sharing about the remembrance ceremony we had. It was amazing. I am overwhelmed by everyone that came to support us on the 24 month anniversary of when Heather died. It means more than you could ever know. I know that we had support all over the world yesterday..especially in North and South Carolina.