So, She Can't Be Really Gone...

Tim McGraw recorded a song for his 1995 album titled "She Can't Be Really Gone". It leaves you to wonder did the girl just leave the guy or did she die. At the end there is an acknowledgment to The Minnie Pearl Cancer Foundation. So I think that the song is written about a woman who dies and the man who is left to go through her things. I relate about having to go through all of Heather's things. She simply walked out and left her room the way it was on March 19th. It was my job to go through all of her things that she has left behind. I think the older a child gets the harder it is to go through all the things they leave behind.

"Her hat is hanging by the door
The one she bought in Mexico
It blocked the wind It stopped the rain
She'd never leave that one
So, she can't be really gone"...
Heather had a love of perfume. She loved the aroma but she also loved the ones that came in unusual bottles. Pretty bottles. For my birthday last year she bought me a Harajuku Lovers Doll perfume called Music. She loved all the little dolls so much that she bought all of them for her own collection. She came home and proudly put them on a shelf of their very own in her room. They have never been sprayed. They are simply there for collecting and decorating. All her perfume is still on the 3 shelves in Pea's room, just like she left them. I go and smell them once in a while She loved her perfume. She always told me that you are never fully dressed and ready to leave till you have your perfume on. Then you are ready. I made sure that the casket and her dress was sprayed with one of her favorite perfumes. I knew she would be upset if she did not have her perfume. One small detail that I had to make sure was taken care of. She'd never leave without her perfume. So, she can't be really gone...

"The shoes she brought on Christmas Eve
She laughed and said it called her name I
t's like they're waiting in the hall
For her to slip them on
So, she can't be really gone"...
Heather loved shopping and clothes. She loved to look her very best even for shopping at 4 am the day after Thanksgiving. She could not really afford the designer labels, but if she saw something in a magazine you can be assured she would find something similar in a retail store here. She received a mailer from Express. They pictured a dress that she went to 3 different Express stores to find. She bought it and loved the color. When I packed her room, it was still in the Express sack with the tag and receipt with it. The dress is waiting for her to wear it...so she can't be really gone...

"I don't know when she'll come back
She must intent to come back
I've seen the errors of my ways
Don't waste your tears on me
What more proof do you need
Just look around the room
So much of her remains"...

Heather had just been shopping at the Neiman Marcus Beauty Event. This is a special time when the store offers a wonderful tote with gifts inside for beauty purchases. She went back and forth about whether she should go spend the money and get the gift with the pink bag. When she did her chemo at the beginning of March, she decided that would be her reward. She bought Bobbie Brown eye shadows and Chanel foundation to name a few things. All the beauty items and the gift bag were still untouched in the Neiman's bag when I went through her room. She loved her makeup. So, she can't be really gone...
"Just look around this room
So much of her remains
Her book is lying on the bed
The two of hearts to mark her page
Now who could ever walk away at chapter 21
So, she can't be really gone"...

Heather was not interested in the Twilight series. Then she saw the movie. She came home and told me she did not know it was a love story. She then asked Jenn is she could read her books. She read about the first 2 chapters and then went on a mission to get the books herself. She found the first 2 books in paperback but 3 and 4 are only in hardback. So she borrowed Jenn's book 3 and 4. She read the books like a mad woman. She was really on a roll. She left the last book, Breaking Dawn, at chapter 7. Heather never finished reading the last book. In packing up her stuff, I found Jenn's book marked with a beauty card at chapter 7. I played the audio book to her 2 times the last few days that she was in ICU. I am not sure that she understood it. I just wanted to make sure she finished her book. But she would not have walked away from the book series at chapter 7 of the fourth and final book. So, she can't be really gone...
"Now who could ever walk away
With so much left undone
So, she can't be really gone
No, she can't be really gone"...

I know that Heather does not need any of the things she left behind. They are only earthly possessions. No Heather sis not take a single thing with her. She left this life like she came in. With nothing. I know it is just stuff, but it is Heather's stuff. All I have left of her. I have heard that mother's have a hard time letting go of their child's treasures. I know that I have a terrible time thinking of anyone having anything of Heather's. I feel selfish sometimes. I just don't want any regrets later. Someday I will be ready to go through things. She just can't be really gone...