Threaten Me With Heaven.......

What's the worse thing that could happen,

What's the worse that they could do.

Threaten me with heaven if they wanted to,

Threaten me with heaven, that's all they can do,

Threaten me with heaven, I believe that it's true,

Threaten me with heaven,

I'll be waiting on you.

~Amy Grant~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EnsEz7QIH0

Vince Gill's version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9lKz1am71g&feature=related

Amy Grant's version

 Amy's ex father-in-law came home from a doctor's appointment. When he saw his family he said he had some bad news. He said "they had threatened him with heaven." Of course what else would this multi-talented woman do but set out to write a song with some other friends about this topic. This song has come to light again as the drummer for Amy's band committed suicide and Amy sang this song at his funeral. Her husband, Vince Gill, has also done a version of this song that is making a hit on YouTube. I like both versions so I have included both above.

It all makes it sound so simple that of course to the Christian, heaven is the ultimate goal. I really do understand that concept. It is the idea that my daughter went to heaven first. This goes against the "normal" order of life. Children do not die first. I believe the older a child gets the harder it is when they die on the parents. You have the birthday cards, Christmas memories and all the times, good and bad, shared together. These memories run through your mind over and over and over and over. Everything you do you wonder in the back of your mind, "what if Heather were here? How would this be different?" The death of a child changes the family dynamics forever.

Mother's Day-2008

Inside of homemade card

Peridot earrings

  I noticed a sign on a neighbors garage door this past week. It was a welcome home for their son. He has been away for 2 years on his mission. There is very limited contact when they are away. I remember when he left. It was right after Heather died. As I drove by I was thinking I wish I could have a sign on my door saying WELCOME HOME HEATHER!! I would give everything all my money, house and my life to have 2 seconds with Heather again. While I was happy for this family they they would be having celebrations for their son's return, I couldn't help but be a bit envious that they have something I want so badly~their whole family together. I am at the candy store window, on the outside looking through the glass at what I cannot have.

Valentine's Day-2009

Valentine's Day 2009

In my searching for photos and letters for all my Mother's Day blogs I came across other memories as well. I found the last Valentine's Day card, last Christmas card and the last card Heather ever gave me. I sat there and cried that these were the last cards. No more cards, notes or photos. I remembered that last Mother's Day Heather was here. The week and weekend was full of lots of things; Lynn and Linda were visiting and Jenn graduated from ASU. Saturday we ventured to the mall. Heather got into a wheel chair and went to look for a gift. We did not know at the time that she was low on blood and platelets. She went to Helzberg Diamonds and bought me peridot teardrop earrings. She bought them for several reasons. Peridot is the birthstone for Margaret Coombe. The color of the stone is a lime green with is the color for Lymphoma. The shape of a teardrop was for all my tears I had cried during her being sick. This was not just a gift she randomly picked out. There was a great deal of thought behind a simple gift of a pair of earrings. She apologized for giving me a  handmade card. She had not had the time, strength or energy to go get a Mother's Day card. I honestly didn't expect anything. The whole day, gifts and everything was perfect. This would be the last time Mother's Day would be perfect.

Last card-Given in March-had just started at PIMA Medical

There are not many things that can scare me anymore. I have heard the words your "daughter has cancer, there is nothing more we can do for your daughter and she is gone now." There is not really anything more that I could hear that would scare me more that what I have already heard. I agree with the words of this song...what can be done now? threaten me with heaven? Bring it on. I have a good reason to go. Heaven looks better everyday.............

I can see the tears upon your face,

No hiding place,

You're afraid that soon I will be gone,

Time will still move on.

You're searching for the answers you can't find,

All in good time....

~Threaten Me With Heaven~

My Name Is Story..

I was the first person

to ever truly belong to my mother

I was a piece of her, 

A fleshy imprint of her dreams

And girlhood wishes,

Yet new and unknown.

She named me Jennifer Leann,

The fair lady she had been waiting for.

The stories she told me in my crib

Were even better that 

Guinevere's and Arthur's-

Bears and balloons dancing on the wall

To the tune of my mother's tongue.

She sat in her rocker for days,

Counting her cross-stitches,

Her needle making hearts and words-

A sweet little tete-a-tete with thread.

My name in raised letters at the top,

A proverb and premonition underneath,

Spelling out the wisdom of my mouth

And the kindness of my tongue.

She knew I was meant to be her first story,

But she had more stories to tell.

Sisters she never had-

The whispers, the fights,

The ability to love and hate at the same time-

So she gave them to me.

She spent hours sewing matching dresses,

Three breathing dolls to play dress-up. 

~Jennifer Coombe~

Note from Heather-State Fair 2006-Ed is the bear Edison

Me with Jenn-10 days old-1986

Mother's Day school project from Jenn

Jenn and Heather in the crib together-1988

Homemade card from Heather for Mother's Day

Me, Wendy, Heather and Jenn-Wendy 2 days old-1990

Mother's Day school project-Wendy

Heather, Wendy and Jenn-1991

Heather, Jenn and Wendy-1993

Heather, Wendy and Jenn-1996

Snoopy drawing by Heather

Jenn, Heather and Wendy-Heather's Birthday

Wendy, Jenn, Heather and Me-May 2008

Thanksgiving Day-2008-Jenn, Heather, Wendy and Pea

Mimi, Pea, Wendy and Heather-March 2009

Note from Heather-2002

 

 

Mother In Love...

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone

You didn't grow under my heart

But In it....

~Unknown~

I first met Margaret Coombe in January 1980. Her family had begun attending my home church in Farmington New Mexico. When Bill and I first began dating she was concerned for my age. She accepted me simply because I was important to her son. I remember thinking that she was quite beautiful with her long hair and her red fingernails. She seemed to be the perfect mom. She couldn't be real. These "real" moms didn't exist in my world.

Cheryl, Margaret & me~Easter 1983

 My interaction with Margaret was limited. In the beginning it was only when Bill was home from college. I took a couple trips with with his family before we were married. I remember thinking it was so nice to be able to talk to Margaret. She listened to me and actually thought I had something to say. I called her nearly everyday and we talked for hours. Her nickname for me was "Yakkie" because I talked so much. She didn't think me silly with my ideas. When I graduated from high school, Margaret gave me a surprise party afterwards. Complete with gifts and a decorated cake. When I found my wedding dress she was the only one to see the dress before the wedding. She was eager and happy to be included in looking at my dress. She also agreed to make the wedding cake and it was beautiful.

Surprise graduation party 12/82

Wedding day-9/10/83~cake by mom

Mom was a multi-talented woman. She could crochet the most beautiful afghans and dollies. She sewed everything from fancy formal taffeta prom dresses to baby dresses, doll clothes and pillows. She could bake the most heavenly desserts and her chocolate chips cookies are legendary. Mom's secret was Crisco instead of butter and then bake a minute less. She could also decorate cakes too. She could cook like no one else on earth. Her meals were famous. Several recipes made it into the paper. But she will forever be known for her hot rolls. There was nothing that she was not willing to try. Mom accepted and loved everyone. Her home was open to anyone. She made you feel like family when you were there.

Shawls made for the girls without a pattern-Jenn and Heather

Mom even played tennis....lol

 I could not cook really at all when Bill and I got married. I managed a few things but nothing like what Mom could make. She lovingly worked with me till I could cook just like her. She taught me how to make a roast and a meatloaf in a cast iron skillet in the oven. It gives it a flavor unlike any other I have ever tasted. Cooking all ground beef in the iron skillet is a must. Another favorite that she made was a homemade from scratch German Chocolate Cake. I think the first one I made there were at least a dozen calls made as well. I could never have imagined cooking an entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner when I was younger. We always went home for the holidays so no need for me to learn how. But when we moved to Minnesota it was not possible to go to Mom's for the holidays. My first Thanksgiving meal was made in 1991. This included one turkey, lots of trimmings and about 100 phone calls across country to ask what I did next and was this suppose to happen. She taught me I should never be scared to try any recipe or change it to fit my style.

She was an avid fisherwoman...

Jenn, Bill, Sherry, Dad, Heather and Mom~May 1988

 Once Mom moved to the Valley we saw more of each other. She was then able to attend the girls activities. But her health began to fail. Once a week I would make her favorite tater tot casserole and we would go over for a visit. One of the last times we had together was when I took her for a bone marrow biopsy. At the time I had no clue and this procedure was performed in office. I held Mom's hands as she winced in pain and tried my best to talk and comfort her. I remember thinking I was glad I was with her during this. I then took her out to lunch. She was so happy and thrilled to ride in my new yellow Xterra. It was a good day. Less than a month later Mom died.

Fellow Teddy Bear Lover

Mom loved her family. She especially loved the grandkids. Mom was thrilled when Jenn learned to crochet. They would sit and crochet together. Jenn made her a dollie for Christmas. Mom said it was the first time she had ever gotten something crocheted given to her. Wendy and Heather loved to polish Mom's nails. Wendy liked to do her toe nails and Heather loved the red long fingernails. Mom would also let the girls put pins and pretties in her hair.  

  No woman ever loved me the way that Margaret Coombe loved me. She truly was a mother to me. I feel that she molded and shaped me into the woman that I am today. She taught me to cook, patiently. I learned to decorate and throw parties from her as well. She was a truly great lady and I miss her terribly. She was the center of the family. I tried for many years to have the family holidays at my house. Everyone always came and enjoyed themselves. The decorations and food was just like Mom was still here. After she died, Jenn taught me to crochet. This would have been the best thing ever to have Mom, Jenn and me all sitting around crocheting. Someday in heaven Mom and I will crochet; and Jenn and Heather will knit. It will be quite the reunion.

The day before Mom died, Heather sat there so tenderly and loving as she removed the old polish and then painted her nails bright red. She said  "When Grandma meets Jesus, she needs to have her nails looking good.  "  Heather was not afraid to touch or talk to her Grandma. I know that Mom was waiting with open arms when Heather got to heaven.

Gestational Unit....

I was conceived in secret

Although now I know

You plotted and planned

To trick and deceive.

Not sure of my fate

You had other options

Your plan had backfired

For me it was too late.

Abortion was not legal

For this I am thankful

I would have been another victim

You goal complete.

As I grew inside

Did you care?

Did you love?

As you felt me move and grow?

You did not hold me

You never looked back

Turned over in a instant

For others to raise.

Your life went on

Husband and kids

Did you wonder?

Did you think..about me?

How can mother love 5 and not 6

I will never understand

Your kids think you perfect

But I know the truth.

I hate that I give you any thought

I hate to waste one second on you

For I know that a woman so hard

Must not have a heart at all.

~Horrible Mother by me~

When I speak of Jane, my birth mother, I call her my gestational DNA unit. Mother is a name reserved for people who at least try to pretend they love you. Some have said at least she didn't abort you. Abortion was not legal till 1973...nearly 8 years after I was born. There were illegal abortions but Jane in no way had the money to afford one. But I am sure the thought did cross her mind. I feel certain that she did everything that might possibly cause a miscarriage. She told me matter of factly that she bound herself very tightly so I would not be showing while she continued to work while pregnant.

Jane with Spike-Yes!! I look just like her with this face--ugh!!!

I was eager to find my birth mother because in some way I felt that I would finally have a mother; a real mother, my mother. I found my birth mother, Jane, in June of 1993. I was thrilled she had signed the papers to allow her contact information to be given to me. I was overjoyed when I found out she lived only 3 hours away from me. I called her immediately when I got the number. I wanted to meet her as soon as possible. It had been over 32 years since my birth. I figured since she signed the papers she would be eager as well. Our 1^st phone call DID NOT go well. She did not want to meet me and thought it best to write letters to each other. Really??? Your daughter, 1^st born child, has just contacted you and you want to write letters…..WOW!!

 It was only when we were moving to Arizona and I told her I had no motivation to come back across country that she even agreed to meet me. We finally met in October, 1993. I got lost driving in backwoods Iowa in the dark. No, she did not come to meet me. When I pulled into the driveway she ran out like a scared chicken and told me don’t call her mom in front of my half sister, Linell. No hug, no tears of happiness, no I am so glad to see you, no long looks at each other to see if we look alike. There was nothing. This is an odd thing to meet your daughter/mother for the first time and there be nothing. I was introduced as a “friend of the family" to anyone I met that weekend. She would not acknowledge to anyone I was her daughter. I felt as if I was nothing to her. The next time I visited in June 1994, Jane took great delight at introducing me as her daughter and watching the shocked looks on people’s faces. I was her trophy to be shown off to people then. I should have run away and not begun to try to have a relationship with such a cold hearted, unfeeling person.

One of the only photos of my daughters with that woman-Jenn, Wendy, Heather-1993

 During this first meeting, my half sister, Linell, felt the need to dominate the entire evening and well into the morning hours. Jane and I did not get a private moment to talk till 2am. When we did my mother told me all kinds of lies. She lied about how long she knew my father. Said she didn’t know he was married or had other children. She said he was a horrible man. But the biggest lie of them all was the one about how she got pregnant and what happened after. I fell for it all hook line and sinker. I never questioned her about this. I had lost my adopted dad, Jim, and had no intention of looking for my birth father. Especially after all she told me.

We never talk, Jane has never have come to visit me, and I have not been to visit her since 1995.  In 1995 when I came to visit I drove 1800 miles, was bringing a son-in-law she had never met and she had a wedding to go to. Not that I minded, but it was a distant relative and I think it would have been ok for her to bow out gracefully. Instead she made my family and me feel that our effort to visit was no big deal. Nothing special.

Wendy sitting on Linell-2 other sisters and Jenn-June 1994

 Jane has never asked me, “Sherry will you come for a visit??” I miss seeing you. Most normal parents that have a relationship with their kids want to see and hear from them, want to be part of their lives. The letters that she wrote to me was surface things at best and always ended with mowing the lawn. The girls ever commented about how all their letters said the same thing. I have never gotten a comment about how beautiful my daughters are. I never hear that because she doesn’t know them nor did she care to know anything about them. 

Wendy had a scare with a mass on her kidney in 2005. I called Jane to tell her. I told her we would be doing testing and then make a decision as to where we go. We were looking at going to Mayo Clinic or some other treatment place. I was scared and had no idea what we were facing. I never heard form her again. She never called back. I got busy with all the plans and surgery. I simply did not call her. When I called her to talk to her about my dad I asked her why she never called to find out what happened with her granddaughter. She told me she had her bags packed to make the trip to Rochester to Mayo. I find it very interesting that she had the bags ready to go without calling me to find out what was happening. Again, just another excuse for her lack of care and concern. Wendy’s cyst was just fluid filled.

Me, the girls with Spike and Linell's 1st husband-June 1994

 I tried but never could break though the wall that Jane had built. I would later learn that I was dealing with the most dishonest, manipulative woman in the world. When I met my birth father, Harry, in January 2005, her lies were exposed. I learned the truth and oh what a truth. Jane had an affair with him for well over 2 years. She knew he was married and had kids. The plan of how to trick him into marrying Jane began when Harry’s wife got pregnant with their 4^th child. She figured that if she got pregnant, Harry would leave his wife and be with her. Like most plans, it backfired. Then Jane was stuck with a baby she never wanted or loved. I was used as a means for her to get a better life for herself. Jane grew up poor and hard working. Harry had money and so she went after him with everything she had. I was the left over that got throw away like yesterday’s garbage.

I tried when Heather got sick to make amends with Jane. But once again all she wanted was to play games with me. I called her when Heather developed the blood clots in her brain. I was scared to death. I reached out to Jane once again. I foolishly thought I needed a mother. I talked to her husband and left him my cell phone number. That happened April 29, 2008. I am still waiting for her to call me back. I did however learn that I supposedly gave him the wrong cell phone number. Jane’s daughters have the internet and they all had the CaringBridge site. My email, cell phone and home address are on that site. Convenient that after all this time I learn that Jane cannot contact me because I gave her the wrong number. This is the most absurd lie I have ever heard. It was too freaking tough for her to deal with. Like all the other tough things in Jane’s life-SHE RAN AWAY!!..She would rather hide and be the most cowardly person I have ever met. What a poor excuse for a caring human being. 

Jenn with Raven, Heather with Ryan and Wendy-Cousins-June 1994

 I am so beyond the stupid games of a lying, manipulative bitter, cold-hearted woman who cannot see the hurt of her own daughter and more importantly her granddaughter. I am dumbfounded as to how a so-called terrific, wonderful, awesome, and best mother in the whole world could treat a child, her child the way she has treated me. Forget the past and all the things that happened. Just the way I was treated when Heather had cancer and died is enough for me to honestly say I am sorry I ever found her. Who sends their daughter a generic 1975 sympathy card when her daughter dies?? Mine did. I hate the fact that she is my mother and wish I could have had any other woman in the entire world other than her be my mother. Jane did not deserve the right to know my family and me. She is the one that missed the memories and joy she could have had with Heather in her life. I would say that I feel sorry for Jane, but she created the tormented that she lives in. She made choices and frankly I just don’t give a damn about her at all.

The photos posted are the only photos I have...

Mother Number Two..

My life after Jo Beth died was very interesting. It was just my dad and me; and I actually liked it that way. We never ate a meal at home, mostly eating at Sambo's Restaurant. This included my daily strawberry waffles with a coke for breakfast before I headed off to school. My dad was an insurance salesman and made the restaurant his office. He also began dating. He had many women over a short period of time. Most nights we would go over to the woman's house for dinner. My dad and the woman would be in the bedroom for hours. I would watch TV on the couch and fall asleep. In the early hours of the morning my dad would wake me up to go home. What a life for a 9 year old. But I feel that my dad was enjoying his freedom for the first time in many years as well.

The women that my dad dated were interesting to say the least. There was Joy-she had 3 kids. Her daughter was born with severe medical problems and had been in a hospital her whole life. She also had 2 boys that were younger than me. Joy would take off her shoes and throw them down the hallway at them to get the boys to behave. Then came Willie...short for Wilma. She was a waitress at Sambo's. She had 4 kids, three of them were older than me. She lived in a trailer and I thought it quite interesting to visit. Willie was the one for sure that was always trying to get my dad into bed. Her kids were no different as her 17 year old son, Terry, sexually molested me for a couple of months. He told me that my dad would think I was horrible and get rid of me. I had just lost Jo Beth and he knew the right things to say to a scared little girl. Then my dad dated a very fancy rich woman. She was very snooty and her idea was to ship me off the a school as soon as she had the chance. This one only lasted through 2 dates. 

My final Ballet recital-4 dances

Me in the middle..Tenessa to the right of me was my good friend

 My dad then went to Parents Without Partners support group at a local church. This is where he met Norma. They began dating in June 1975. This time it was different dating Norma. She was very nice and seemed happy all the time. She cooked very good meals, made and decorated cakes and could sew. This was important as I never had a mother who could sew. Norma had 2 sons...Steve who was 18 and had just graduated high school and Donald who was nearly 8. The thing that I noticed was that the house was a mess. The front room was tidy but the rest of the house was a mess. I liked that she was not a clean freak.

Daddy, Norma, Donald and I would do things together on the weekends. I enjoyed the fact that we got out and did things together. For the first time in my life we went to the county fair and I rode the Ferris wheel. For my 10th birthday Norma made me a cake. She made it and decorated it. I was never so thrilled in my life. Norma began making a few shirts for me as well. I liked the idea of a mother that made special things for me. I had never felt special. I seemed to get along with the boys. I had never had brothers, but the older one Steve didn't hang out with us and I could boss Donald around some. It seemed to be perfect.

Steve, Donald, Daddy-Jim, Norma and Me-Wedding Day 10/10/75

 Daddy and Norma were married on Friday, October 10, 1975 at Central Baptist Church in Farmington. It was a very small ceremony but very fun. I had never really been to a party like that before. One of the best things was that Norma's parents were both still alive. I got a Mamaw and a Papaw in the deal as well. The first hard task was to stay with them while Daddy and Norma went on their honeymoon. This was very uncomfortable for me to do. I had wanted to stay with a teacher friend, but everyone thought it would be good for the family if I stayed with the new grandparents.

Norma came into our house and changing everything. She moved everything in the kitchen, moved all the furniture and simply changed things because she could. This also meant that I could not sleep with my dad. I had been sleeping with my parents in some way since I was 5 years old. This was a huge shock but Donald was in the next room through the door we shared. Trying to get used to new people in the house and a new routine was hard. But it seemed like everything I knew before was gone. Daddy and I were no longer able to visit with all the teacher friends we had before. I had to change schools and stop all my ballet and piano lessons too. My family doctor was changed as well.. Her doctor liked to give shots for everything and smelled like a cow. He was a rancher as well as a doctor.

Christmas 1975

Like with any new relationship once the honeymoon period wears off it gets tough. The beginning of the end of a seemingly happy home began to unravel on Mother's Day 1976. Daddy had wanted to take me to the cemetery to put flowers on Jo Beth's grave. It didn't seem like a huge deal to me, but this was the beginning of World War III in our home that lasted till I got married in 1983.  Norma could not understand why we had to do this on Mother's Day. A huge fight occurred. I was not happy as well over this weekend; I had a staph infection and had to go to her doctor Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I received a shot all three days. Should not be a huge deal, but it was to me. I hated her doctor. This weekend was the beginning of the end for our relationship.

Norma like to control her boys. She liked telling them what to do and having them hang on her apron strings. I was not that way. I had my own mind and my own way of thinking. I was not going to submit to her wanting to control everything in my life. We began fighting and yelling at each other on a regular basis. We would go weeks and not speak to each other. Walking past each other and living in the same house without speaking is never a good thing. Everyone began eating dinner in their own rooms. We were 5 people living in the same house but we never talked at all. I would learn later that Norma had gotten her mother involved. Norma's father had 2 children from an earlier marriage. Mamaw had told my dad that she had given Papaw an ultimatum, either me or your kids, you cannot have both. My dad spoke up and said fine, if I have to chose Norma over Sherry, she had to chose me over her boys. Neither one would give up their kids. This was a very loveless, unhappy family for the 8 long years I lived in this house.

Mamaw, Daddy-Jim, Norma and Me-1st and only camping trip 1976

Norma was never abusive on a physical level. She would just ignore me, make promises and not follow through and never treated me like I was her daughter. I was the only one in the house that had required chores. Everyday I had to clean the kitchen and on the weekends I had to vacuum and dust. Donald and Steve were not required to do anything. I felt very much like Cinderella and the wicked step-mother. It really got ugly when Bill and I began dating. I was almost 15 and Bill was nearly 20. Norma could not get over the age difference. At Thanksgiving 1980 she threw Bill out of the house and told him never to come back or contact me again. This made me want to run away from home. Bill and I continued to write letters and see each other secretly. A little later on, she wanted to take me to the doctor because I was sick. I actually did run away that morning. I called and told my dad no more would I go to her doctor. I wanted my own doctor. Christmas 1982 we had our biggest fight ever. I had been seeing Bill on a regular basis when he was home from college. I was staying the night at Bill's parent's house off and on for months. I decided to tell Norma that I was going to see Bill and there was nothing she could say about it. We yelled and fought and I told her I wanted nothing for Christmas. Take everything back and I would be spending Christmas Eve with Bill's family. When I returned home I opened my presents alone. But they had gotten a gift for Bill. It was a very odd Christmas.

Norma and I just never got along. I would leave the house when she would get home from work and stay gone till my dad got home. I just didn't want to be around her. Bill and I came to tell them we were engaged and getting married. Norma refused to come into the living room and listen. We had a fight in the kitchen. Then her son, Steve who was 26 and still sponging off mom, came into the kitchen and called me a brat. I overheard this and came back to let Steve have it. I hit home when I told him I was not a baby who couldn't leave his mommy. Steve grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against the dining room wall. His arm was back in a fist ready to punch me hard. Bill could see what was happening and jumped up. Steve backed off and let me go. I left the house and threatened not to come back.

Donald and Me at Carlsbad Caverns in 1977

Norma did nothing for me beginning with my 16th birthday. She never acknowledged it was my birthday or any other kind of day at all. She ignored my 17th and 18th birthday as well. No card, nothing from her. Norma then wanted to make my wedding dress and control the wedding. I had already found my wedding dress and wanted her to make the cake. Once she found out she could not make my dress she was finished with helping me. She did not come to my bridal shower as well. On the morning of my wedding I was walking out to the church with my dress when she told me that she didn't approve of my marriage and she would not be attending. She gave it 6 months and when if fell apart I had no home to come back to because I was not welcomed there anymore. 

Norma and I made amends in 1984. This only lasted a short time. Just long enough for me to sign away my rights when my dad died. I had asked for a few items from my childhood. The items I asked for belonged to Jo Beth and Daddy. Not even hers to begin with. She agreed to give them to me I just needed to sign away my rights. Daddy died with no will. Everything was left to me since she was his 2nd wife. Norma made promises to my girls that she never followed through on. I can deal with broken promises but did not feel that my girls should have to. Norma was upset when I found my birth mother. This was the real beginning of the end.  I guess she was jealous or something,  I am not sure. I felt our relationship was failing and I had asked her son Donald who still lived in MY childhood home, if I could come get a few items that belongs to me. Photo albums and things. (Which she sold my childhood home and moved into her mother's house. All of my things were given away.)  He of course told Norma what I planned to do. I did get the photo albums, but nothing else. The final time I went to speak with Norma she told me that if I wanted to have a relationship with her, I had to have it with her sons too. It was all or none. Really hit the meaning of unconditional love of a mother home with me. 

My 12th Birthday..the last cake I ever got

Again, this was a woman who had the opportunity to give love and support to a child. She could not let go of herself enough to love me as her own. I was not flesh of her flesh...so again this hit home the statement that I needed to find my own birth mother..she would love me..she had to. Birth mother had to love their own babies....boy was I in for a shock...

Mother Number One....

I thought I would take a few posts and try to share my feelings about my mothers and Mother's Day. The words I write still cannot convey all the feelings and emotions I have on this subject. I have had a total of 4 mothers-birth mother, Jane; adopted mother, Jo Beth; step mother, Norma and mother in law, Margaret. You would think with this many women in my life that I would be well rounded and look to Mother's Day as a time to thank and praise the women in my world. I can only do this for one woman. The only woman who even began to show me any kind of love and support at all; my beloved mother in love, Margaret Coombe. She will be a few posts away....

Jo Beth, Sherry and Jim September 1966

I always knew that I was adopted. I have no idea when it was told to me; it was just always there. My life with my adopted mother was torture and hell on earth. She was emotionally and physically abusive to me for 9 years. She was never able to do anything with me due to her health being so fragile. But she was seeking attention more than actual health issues.  I remember watching other girls with their mothers and I thought to myself that birth mother have to love their babies. They carried and gave birth to them. This must be the problem in my life.

I had always been told that I needed to be thankful to Jo Beth for her saving me from a life of being in a orphanage. I would be no where if it was not for her and her love for me. She offered me a life where I could go to school and make something of myself. At a very young age I had to be perfect in public. I had to be dressed like a 3 yr old but act like a mature adult. I was not a bad little girl, but I was a little girl, full of energy and wanting to do kid things. I had no friends or brothers and sisters. I was a very lonely child. This forced all of Jo Beth's attention to me. I had to be perfect in everything. She was very controlling. At the age of 5 I could no longer have birthday parties. They were for babies. When we moved into the new house I had 2 rooms and a bathroom that had to be kept perfectly clean. When I was about 6 Jo Beth began doing a white glove test when she would come check my room to see how clean it was. I say I was grounded since birth.

When Jo Beth died in February 1975 I was relieved. I felt like I had been set free from bondage. I had become a very nervous child and bit my fingernails. I never knew what would set her off. Punishment could be simply verbal abuse with ugly words. Or the much more dreaded physical abuse. I lived in constant fear of what was next. I could not understand why I felt nothing for this woman. I was glad she was gone from my life. It sounded horrible at the time and it has taken me years to be able to say this out loud.

In my search for my birth mother, Jane, I also received my case study notes and my adoption file. It was very shocking to read. Everything that I had known in my heart was now being verified in print. In 1964, the home was NOT approved for the placement of a baby. It is not stated as to why. Then something changed, again not stated, in June 1965 and the home was approved for a baby. In the character study of Jo Beth, it was stated that many social workers would have never placed a baby in this home with Jo Beth. The following are quotes from this report that I received concerning my placement in this home:

"I am not real sure that Mrs. Blake wanted a child, but she would not say this and I could not draw her out enough to get evidence to deny this home for the placement of a baby. It is my opinion that Mrs. Blake is not capable of showing affection. Sherry was placed on December 20, 1965 and the agency  needs to watch the bonding between Mrs. Blake and the child." (report 2/18/66)

"I did notice that during my visit Mrs. Blake did not pick up the child at all. She took a great deal of pride in the child but never did anything for the child during my visit. I would say that Mrs. Blake does most of the thinking for the child and the care and work is done by Mr. Blake. He appeared very talkative during the visit but Mrs. Blake dominated the conversation. I would say this is not an extremely close couple, but Mr. Blake stated the gap was closing with the focus of a child. I feel the family thinking is done by Mrs. Blake. I feel she is the driver of the family and Mr. Blake does usually follows her wishes. However, there is a limit where Mr. Blake will not follow. Relationship between Mrs. Blake and the child need to be watched closely." (report 5/24/66)

"Mrs. Blake commented that they have made no lifestyle changes since the arrival of the child. This is an odd statement to make about a child being in the home. Mrs. Blake is definitely an introvert. She is unable to show affection of any kind in front of adult strangers. The child is new to this family but I do feel that she is more a less a new play thing  to Mrs. Blake. It is noted that Mr. Blake still dotes over the child. The moment he walked in the door he went immediately to the child and picked her up. This seemed to be the feeling for the child as she responded very well to him being home. There appears to be little bonding between Mrs. Blake and the child. I do intend to watch Mrs. Blake closely over the next 4-6 months to see how this relationship develops." (report 9/15/66)

"This is my final report before the case is closed. I have followed this family from its beginning. While Mrs. Blake shows more affection to the child, I feel it could be more. However, this may be all that Mrs. Blake is capable of giving to the child. While I still have reservations about the final approval for this home, they have meet all the requirements. My recommendation is this child be approved for final placement." (report 1/25/67)

My final adopting decree leaving me in this home was approved March 22, 1967. 

When I received this paperwork it explained so much. I thought I was crazy to feel the ways that I did about Jo Beth. I wondered why did I feel no love toward this woman who supposed raised me till I was 9. I understand why the bond was with my father. Basically he was the mother figure in my life. This gave me the freedom to finally say that I was not better off with this woman. I do not love or respect Jo Beth in any way. She was never a mother.

The way in which Jo Beth died is something that no child should experience either. She awoke on Wednesday morning at about 6am calling for my dad. She could not walk. (I slept with my parents every night) I ran to get my dad. He got her back into bed and she made sure I was shipped off to school. I was in the 4th grade at the same school that Jo Beth taught. When my dad came to pick me up from school, he told me that Jo Beth had needed to go to the bathroom shortly after I left. He tried to help her, but something happened and she fell. She was laying on the floor on the side of the bed since early that morning. Her eyes were open but she was not able to talk or move. Later we would learn that she had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Basically she was dead, just her heart and lungs were still working. My dad had tried all day to get a doctor to come to the house. He was too afraid to move her. Doctors were not making house calls due to high malpractice and 911 had not yet been activated. 

I came home to find Jo Beth laying on her side of the bed. Her face was turned to the wall so I could see her face. Her left arm was up by her head and the right arm was underneath her. She was laying on her stomach. My dad told me we were going to change her pajamas because a doctor was coming. She had wet all over herself and the floor. When we rolled her over I thought it weird how her arms would return to the way they had been when she was on the floor. I didn't realize at the time that the stiffness of death was why. 

When the doctor arrived at 10 pm things got hopping really quickly. He looked to my dad and said why didn't you tell me she was so bad off. The doctor called for an ambulance right away. When the paramedics arrived and placed Jo Beth on the gurney she began to convulse and throw up. Only at this moment did I become sacred and tell my dad I didn't want to go to the hospital. I had been in and out of the room for 7 hours with her like that.  I stayed with a teacher friend of my parents.  Thursday morning before school began my dad came to tell me that Jo Beth had died early that morning. Jo Beth was teaching Monday and Tuesday, got sick Wednesday, died Thursday and the funeral was Sunday....8 short months later my dad remarried....