The Wisdom Of A 7 Year Old...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

When I bow my head tonight

There'll be no more me, myself and I

Just watch my wife and kids please Lord

That's all I ask for anymore... 

Let'em outlive me by a hundred years

Let their laughter dry up all their tears

Let'em love and be loved back like I have been...

Trace Adkins~All I Ask For Anymore 

Sherry, Heather, Jenn
Wendy Oct, 2001

Mother's Day and Father's Day have a whole new meaning to me now. For about as long as I can remember Mother's Day has never been something that I celebrated with joy. I have not been to a Mother's Day church service in many years and really don't plan to attend another one while on this earth. It could be when I was 10 yrs old and my Dad-Jim-took me to the cemetery on Mother's Day to place flowers on JoBeth-my adopted mother's grave...or when I was 12 yrs old and I got a massive staph infection and received 3 days of shots or last year when I gave birth to 3 daughters but only had 2 to celebrate with. The fact that I never have had nor will I ever have a mother? It is hard to understand that in a blink of an eye your life can go from "normal" to changed beyond your imagination. The normal things of life are now so very difficult. You just want to erase the day, but you have other children that need to show you they love you as their mom or dad. It is still one more reminder of the one that is missing.

I shared the story of Olivia-who died a few weeks ago. Olivia would write her jokes and thoughts on her CaringBridge. Oh how I loved to read the words of this amazing 7 year old girl. She had such insight. On this special day I would like to share the conversation between Olivia and her mom on Mother's Day. They were driving to Church. Olivia was asking questions about a mom whose son had just died:

Olivia: "Mama, are you sad for Luke's mama? Is she hurt?"

Mom: Yes, honey. He lives with the Lord now, but a part of 

him will always live in her heart. As long as they are apart, 

her heart will hurt."

Olivia: "Is that what you call a broken heart?"

Mom: "Yes, sweetie"

Olivia: "What's it look like broken?"

Mom: "It is not something you can see, Liv, the heart is still 

working, it means the way you feel inside"

Olivia: "Does love run out when your heart breaks?"

Mom: "I don't know, Liv"

Olivia: "How much love can a heart hold anyway?"

Mom: As much as we let it. A mama's love can not be 

measured, it is too big"

She sat quiet for a few minutes and then said:

Olivia: "I think it does leak out. I think that love leaks out and 

runs all over everything and everybody. And it does not stop

because there is so much. Sometimes it runs out in crying. And

sometimes it runs out in things mama's do for other people.

That's what I think."

Olivia: Does he miss his mom?"

Mom: "I think so. Kind of like when you are at school or 

a friend's house. You're having fun, but sometimes 

you miss you mom, don't you?"

Olivia: "Yeah, does it ever stop? The heart hurt, I mean."

Mom: "It will get easier. It will stop hurting when Luke and his 

mama are back together again."

Olivia: "And that's in heaven?"

Mom: "Yes maam"

Olivia: " Ok, yeah. That's kind of like getting out of the hospital 

forever, and being a family again. Forever and ever. 

That will be great!"

Olivia died 2 short weeks after this conversation with her mom. Her mom never realizing that she would be the one grieving the loss of this very insightful little girl. As I read this the other day I sat and cried and cried. These words touched me so deeply. Olivia's amazing thoughts of a broken heart and a mother's love.

I do things to keep Heather close to me. I probably will forever. I need to feel her as close to me as possible.  I very seldom take off her cancer journey necklace that she gave me. I usually have it on 24/7 and keep it very close. I wear her perfume, some of her clothes, jackets, her other jewelry and rings. Everything I do on the computer is done on her computer. I have many of her things out all over the house. It is very difficult not to buy things for her. I had done so for 21 years. I see something in a store that moves me to think about her. This week I purchased a webkin stuffed bunny named "Marshmellow". He is so Heather and she would have begged me for him.

"Marshmellow"

As fathers everywhere celebrate today with their children no matter how old or young. Hug them tight and remember the small moments can last a lifetime if they have to. This song by Trace Adkins is a great song about how your value of things change as you you become a parent...take a listen and I hope you feel the same...

http://www.cmt.com/videos/trace-adkins/439833/all-i-ask-for-anymore.jhtml

The Real Me...Beware...Brutally Honest!!!

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think "what's in it for me?"

Or "it's way too far"

They just show on up with their big old heart

You find out who your friends are

This is an email that I received on Thursday, May 27, 2010:

"I was reading the guest book comments from Olivia's page and your caught my eye. I started reading your posts on the caring bridge and your blog. The post about the questions got me (The Question-how many children do I have) I can't tell you I understand what you are going through. I never lost a child. My Kenny passed away last year. He was my husband, but not legally. I just wanted to write that I appreciate your bold honesty on both sites. I feel as though I can never be honest on them and say how angry I am and its just too painful. Because of family I try to write something uplifting but I can never find anything to say uplifting about this nightmare. I agree with you that the outcome is 90/10. 90% of cancer patients die. Olivia was the last one I knew from Texas and CaringBridge and now she is gone. Thank you for your gut wrenching and painful honesty. I find relief that I am not the only one that feels this way...."

Forever loving and missing Kenny~Heather R~
 I did not know nor have I ever met this lady...

It has been recently share with me that Heather has been dead for a year and I should be over this "thing". I have very shocking news for everyone...I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER MY DAUGHTER HEATHER DYING!!!! There I said it. I have been told I am stuck in the bondage of grief and I need to break the chains of bondage to move forward with my life. I have news for everyone again...I will grieve for my daughter for the rest of my life. It will always be in my heart and mind till my dying day. Losing a child is not something you "get over." I can live my life and move forward in very, very small steps, but I will never "get over" this.  It is out of the natural order of life and there is nothing like it. I am convinced that no other grief can compare to the mother's loss of a child. If you have not given birth to a child and then had that child die in your arms before your very eyes....YOU DO NOT GET IT!!! The grief of a mother is unlike anything else on the planet. I know this first hand. You can sympathize and you can try to imagine how horrible it might be...but you don't know till you have walked the road I have walked...personally. Knowing someone or being a friend with someone who has lost a child is not the same thing.

Like I stated before, my dear, dear friend and sister, Diane, lost Beka in 1998. I did everything I knew how to do..I called and sent cards. I visited and brought flowers. I listened and cried with her. I thought deep in my heart I got it..I understood just how and what she was feeling. I did to the best of my ability being on the outside looking in. But April 20th, 2009 I realized that I had no freakin idea. I was clueless. I didn't get that as each Sunday came around I would feel a huge sadness as this is the day we were told there was no hope.. Then every Monday for months I felt the death of Heather..because she died on a Monday. Every Saturday I felt restless and out of sorts, because this was her funeral day. I didn't understand that you almost panic at the thought of being with new people for the questions they will ask. How do you answer them. It is just easier to keep to your little safety bubble. I still to this day have a pain in my heart every Monday. I don't know how long till this pain goes away or if it ever does.

I am in no way trashing or bashing my dear peeps. My inner circle of friends. I thank you very much for all you have done for me. I could not have survived without you. I need your support and love, now and for many, many years to come. Even though you have not lost a child, you allow me to talk or be silent, and hug me when I need it. I don't need to explain the tear in my eye at a crazy moment. You come along side and try to understand. You allow me to be me. I can joke and laugh one minute and be in tears the next and I don't have to explain why.  For those few people who have allowed themselves to come with me on this journey I will love you forever.

I am hurt and angry for many reasons. There are people who expect me to get over Heather.  I am using Heather as an excuse to not attend parties or be with people. Saying that my blog is sick.  But mostly for people talking about Heather when they have no idea who she was. They have no idea what I am going through and they have never tried to understand. They stand on the side lines and judge me and the way I am handling the death of my daughter. I understand that they are not worth my time and trouble. But it still hurts to hear those words. I say in my heart that they have no right to speak her name. People do not like to mention her name or have me talk about her. The eerie silence that follows my mention of her name breaks my heart. The day Heather died she simply vanished completely as if she never lived to some. They cannot handle the loss. I am so sorry this is tough for them. Just imagine how difficult it is for me. Heather Nicole Coombe lived...she was amazing...and then she died...and I need to talk about her. I need to share her life and my memories. I need to surround myself with people who allow me to talk and share and do not judge.

Olivia's Mom Cindy explains it in a very good way:

"Grief is like water; you can immerse yourself in it only so long before you have to some up for air. Then, it is a constant downpour, with isolated moments of relief--like driving a car in the rain, it runs all over and around you, but go under a bridge and you have a split second of blissful peace. Then back into the constant downpour."

I have a few more "under the bridge" moments now than I did in the beginning. Last year, I felt like I drove for 1000 miles before I hit a bridge for relief and then it lasted for only a second. Now it feels like driving 995 miles and the bridge lasts for about 5 seconds. But I think this is improvement. Someday, the miles will be less and the bridges will last longer. But not today, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. I had my precious Dolly Girl for 21 years. I loved her, took care of her and shared her life for 21 years, 4 months and 10 days. So, I think it is only fair that I be given at least 21 years, 4 months and 10 days to grieve before anyone begins to ask me if I am over this "thing" yet.

To see Tracy Lawrence "Find Out Who Your Friends Are"....
www.cmt.com/videos/tracy-lawrence/160946/fin-out-who-your-friends-are.jhtml

And Then There Were Two...

Some broken hearts never mend

Some memories never end

Some tears will never dry

My love for you will never die

Don Williams~Some Broken Hearts Never Mend~

Easter-1993

Since April 9th, 1990 it has been the 3 girls. Jenn, Heather and Wendy. Growing up they played together, got in trouble together, went to school together and dreamed of what it would be like to be married and live close together. Three peas in a pod. Jenn and Wendy were the bread and Heather was the peanut butter in the middle that held it all together. The 3 girls were very close as sisters. Heather was to be Jenn's and Wendy's maid of honor and Heather said she would pick them both because she could not choose between them.

Awana Bible Quizzing 2001

Jenn, Heather and Wendy

Here it is 2 days before Wendy's wedding and there is someone missing. I have felt it for weeks leading up to the wedding but now I am overwhelmed with the loss of one. There were suppose to be three. Bill is suppose to walk Wendy down the aisle to see Heather and Jenn watching and smiling. Heather probably would have sang at the wedding as well. She would have been laughing out on the dance floor and had the best time. Heather would have helped me with hair and makeup to make sure I looked perfect. We would have been shopping for Wendy's wedding dress and then for mine. She was my best fashion critic.

Coombe's Angels May 2005

Heather fell in love with Julia Roberts. She loved every movie she ever did. I mention this because as soon as Heather saw Steel Magnolias she had to do her hair like "Shelby" in that movie. She was so proud the day she finally figured it out. Heather always looked amazing, but when she did her "steel magnolias" hairstyle she was stunning. Heather would have been the first to get her dress..figure out her hair and makeup and made sure everything was perfect. Her hair was her crowning glory. She had the most amazing hair. It would do anything and hold any style. Heather loved her long hair so much and she looked so good with it.

Heather's "Shelby" hairstyle for Prom, 2005

As we celebrate this joyous occasion, it is another reminder that Heather is not here. Most figure that we are over this grieving thing, it has been a year and we are good with everything now. I will never be "over" this. This will never go away. Every holiday, every birthday, every wedding, every birth, every thing our family does is one more way it tears at my heart to know that Heather is not here. She will not be sharing this, we are moving on and changing and Heather is staying the same. Forever 21....Forever absent...

Coombe's Angels May 2006

Wendy, Heather and Jenn

I am struggling with being out of my circle of peeps. I am not comfortable being around people who are not in my inner circle. They don't understand the tear at what should be a happy moment. Most don't comprehend my loss and it is so very tiring to put on a "happy face" and pretend all is right with the world. My world stopped being right 416 days, or 59 weeks or 13 1/2 months ago. My world as I knew it came to an end. 

Some broken hearts never mend

Some memories never end

Some tears will never dry

My love for Heather will never die

Necklaces, Rings and Other Treasures...

How do I get through one night without you

If I had to live without you

What kind of life would that be

Oh and I, I need you in may arms

Need you to hold

You're my world, my heart, my soul

If you ever leave

Baby, you would take away everything good in my life..

~Trisha Yearwood~"How Do I Live"

How long before you begin to go through your daughter's things. All the boxes and plastic totes that now hold every piece of her life. It is a horrible thing to walk in the garage and know that everything that belonged to your daughter in is a box. Her life is boxed, taped and sitting...and sitting...and sitting. There are plastic totes that live under my bed. These totes contain all the most precious things to Heather. All her Christmas ornaments, porcelain dolls and her prized polly pockets were lovingly packed and placed under my bed several years ago by Heather herself. Each night before I get in bed, I usually kick one of the totes...

 Top of white flower necklace-May, 2008

I have Heather's jewelry, makeup and perfume in my room. Except for the perfume that still sits on the shelf in Pea's room (Heather's room). These will be coming to my room in the next day or so. A few weeks ago I found a bracelet and a ring that were in her things that I love to wear now. I have gotten into designers, perfume, bracelets and rings. It makes me feel closer to Heather. When I wear her white flowered ring, I get the most complements on how lovely it is. Searched high and low to find the necklace and finally found it today. Whew!!!

Heather's ring and necklace~everyone loves

I took some time a went through the totes under my bed last week. I was able to get rid of a few things. Some junkie things that I have no attachment to what so ever. That stuff, what little there was, went to Goodwill...other things that she loved and treasured that I am not keeping are NOT going to Goodwill. So I have begun to find homes for a few of these items. One of the things that Bill and I began when Jenn turned 1 year old was the GrowingUp Birthday Dolls. These are porcelain dolls that count your birthday years from 1 to 16. Little did we know we would have 3 daughters to buy these for. However, each one of the girls loved and looked forward each year to getting her doll. So, what to do with all16 of Heather's dolls. I kept the #1 and the #16. Heather had to have the musical sweet 16 doll. I needed a special place for these to go. These little dolls are going to Emily, Cousin Steve and Cousin Amy's daughter. Heather sang at their wedding. I know that Heather would be so pleased with Emily having these dolls.

Heather's GrowingUp Dolls~2yrs-15yr

Heather loved Gwen Stefani~Harajuku Lovers and Betsy Johnson. (Any designer she loved) She had gotten me into Harajuku. Harajuku came out with doll perfume around the time of my birthday in 2008. Heather bought all 5 of the perfume dolls and then bought me "Music" Lover doll perfume for my birthday. Harajuku "Music" doll is my signature scent. Today at Macy's I found a "Music" Lover doll face ring. It called my name. Along with a Betsy Johnson heart, flower, worm ring last night. Heather would be thrilled that Momy has gotten so into designers.

Harajuku Lovers "Music" perfume Heather bought me for 

my birthday in 2008~"Music" ring I bought today

Betsy Johnson ring~very Heather...

I bought at Dillards yesterday..

I have had several people over the course of 2 years tell me that I am very open and brutally honest with my feelings. I recently received an email from a woman I have never met telling me thank you for my honesty and sharing my feelings. I know that some of these posts are difficult to read. I have tried over the past 2 years to help friends and family understand an small fraction of what I feel. I have lost many along the way...some have said it is too difficult to read. My thoughts on that are this...if this is difficult for you to read and look at...imagine how terribly, horribly, awful this is for me to live day after day after day after day...I can't wake up from this nightmare that is my life. When you lose a parent, spouse or sibling there are usually people that come to your aid and help you through your grieving. A parent who loses a child usually does it alone. It is too difficult for people to imagine who have not been there themselves. They begin to think about how terrible it would be to lose one of their children and they can not deal with it. It is simply better to walk away. Many people have walked away, but for everyone that walks away, God has given us new people to come along side and help us...Thank you!!

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten SON....God gave His SON!!! God did not give His brother, sister, mother, cousin, spouse or friend. He gave His SON. God knew that this would be the toughest loss a person can suffer. God gave His SON..so that grieving mothers can turn to Him and He says...I understand. I don't care what anyone says...losing a child is the toughest loss there is in the world.

Another Angel Gets Her Wings...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky

I'll be your shoulder when you cry

I'll hear you voices when you call me

I am your angel

And when all hope is gone, I'm here

No matter how l far you are, I'm near

I'm your angel

Celine Dion~I'm Your Angel

Over the course of my journey I have found several other families that have leukemia on CaringBridge that I have begun to follow. One that touched me greatly was Olivia Culpepper. She was 3 years old when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She went into remission, to relapse and go through a bone marrow transplant. This was not enough for this little girl to endure. God had more testing for this sweet angel.

Olivia with BFF Stuffy Bear just checked into MD Anderson~2009

In 2009, Olivia came out of remission for the 2nd time. With her momma  and BFF Stuffy Bear always by her side, the very brave threesome left their family in Georgia to go to MD Anderson in Texas. Olivia has an older brother and sister. After months of being away for the 2nd bone marrow transplant, Olivia and her mom were able to make it home on December 23, 2009 just in time to be a family for Christmas. Olivia was thriving and doing very well. She even made it back to school part-time. It is very important for 1st graders to be at school.

Olivia and BFF Stuffy Bear after 2nd bone marrow transplant~2009

Olivia celebrated her 7th birthday with a huge hometown birthday party, got to play in snow and spend time with her big brother and sister.  A huge highlight was that Make -A-Wish gave them a trip to Walt Disney World in March. Even then the monster did not leave them alone and Olivia ended up in the hospital in Florida. But that did not stop this beautiful little girl from enjoying her visit to Walt Disney World.

These words are from Olivia herself...spelling and all:

HI. THIS IS ME. OLIVIA. YESTERDAY I GOT TO MEET MINNIE AND MICKEY AND THEY SIGNED MY SHOES. (mom's edit; this was the Disney character meet and greet. They signed her stuffed Mickeys shoes!) MINNIE SIGNS WITH HEARTS OVER HER I'S AND XOXO. THAT IS HUGS AND KISSES. AND I ATE RASPBERRY ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH ONE DAY. LAST NIGHT I GOT TO SEE THE CASTLE AND THE FIRE WORKS. I LISTENED TO BELLE TELL A STORY AND SAW TINKERBELL FLY. BUT I DID NOT FEEL LIKE MEETING THEM. I DO NOT FEEL SO GOOD. I AM BACK IN THE HOSPITAL. I MISS DISNEY WORLD. MAYBE I CAN GO BACK SOME DAY. THAT IS ALL . LOVE . OLIVIA..

~Tuesday, March 30, 2010~CaringBridge Post

Olivia with BFF Stuffy Bear and IV pole at Walt Disney World~2010

Everything was moving along with a few bumps in the road. Life was good for little Olivia and she seemed to have finally beat this monster. Olivia wished everyone a Happy Mother's Day on 

May 9, 2010. She often wrote on her CaringBridge page and told jokes all the time. In 5 short days Olivia would be in the hospital with breathing difficulties.  She has pneumonia among other things. (no bone marrow, no white blood cell count, and bleeding out). Each day she declined further and further.

Olivia Grace Culpepper joined Heather in Heaven today at 12:15 pm.

 Olivia playing in the pool..right before coming out of remission the 2nd time~2009

I asked Bill yesterday if he thought that because Olivia had become someone important to me, was Heather at the gate to meet Olivia when she got there? I think she was. I think she was running late, but I think sometime during the celebration, Heather put her arm around her and said, come on, I'll show you....and BFF Stuffy Bear will be fine with your Momma. He will give her comfort just like Edison does for my mom...

It is dawning on me more and more that very, very few people, children included survive Leukemia. Between the treatments, the maintenance, the possible infections and then the cancer its self...it is a miracle anyone survives. I have come to believe that the survival rate is not 50/50..I think it is more 90/10...90% die and 10% live...

The see Celine Dion's song~ I'm Your Angel click this link:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nV_p6cvr2A

Breathe Without You, But I Have To...

And we know it's never simple,

Never easy, Never a clean break

No one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,

And I can't breathe, without you,

But I have to, breathe, without you,

But I have to...

~Taylor Swift~ Breathe~

I did not realize that over the past year I have surrounded myself with people I feel most comfortable with. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened that way. These friends continued to call and come see me. We have lunch dates and I feel very at ease with these friends. I feel like I don't have to explain my sudden quiet mood change, the tears that runs down my face at a unusual place in a movie or feel funny about mentioning Heather's name. These friends have become my close inner circle.

I had to make an emergency trip to Iowa to see my Daddy-Harry Blackburn. He was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 weeks ago. This came as a huge blow to me. He is having surgery on Tuesday May 25th. This is my birth father that I found in 2004. We have not had much time together. When I found him I suddenly realized who I am. A version of my father. I suddenly did not feel like a freak. I belonged to someone. We have a very special bond.

 Sherry and Daddy~1st meeting January 2005

I was taken out of my comfort zone and placed with people I don't want to be around. I was with my step mother and 2 of my siblings that want nothing to do with me. It was a very, very stressful time for me. I did not feel that I could relax. I certainly did not share much about my feelings or Heather with them. That is reserved for special people only. This made me feel very defensive and I realized then that I really don't want to be with people and meet new people.

Heather and Grandpa~1st meeting January 2005

I realized that I cannot or at least am not ready to deal with people outside my inner circle. I became panicked when I realized that Wendy's bridal shower is next Saturday.  The idea of having people I did not know in my home, looking at my memories and Heather's things was suddenly overwhelming. I guess you could call it a panic attack. It dawned on me that this is my private space and I find it very intrusive. This is when I noticed that I had made myself a private inner circle of friends. The ones I feel most comfortable with. Maybe someday I can go to parties, have parties and not feel panicked by the idea of being out of my comfort zone. But for now, I will keep my inner circle of friends very close and maybe with their help I can breathe again someday..

Christmas 2001

When you lose a child..the simple task of breathing is painful. You suddenly feel like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs. So I am still breathing each day. The best thing I can say is I am still breathing. The 2nd song of Taylor Swift that I want to introduce to you is called "Breathe".  It is about a break up...but the words are very true for me right now. I can't breathe, but I have to without her...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpXS9fFP6es

But I Know I Had The Best Day With You Today...

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

But I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know is Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today...
~Taylor Swift~ The Best Day~

We pull up at Suzanne's Bridal Shop to find you a dress for the ball. I pull dress after dress for you to try on but none of them seem right for you. You are looking for a bright pink ball gown like Aurora In Sleeping Beauty. We have tried everything and are about to leave when the gal brings out a blue ball gown that is stunning. You try it on, instantly we both know this is "The Dress". You look like Cinderella. You smile and tell me you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You ask me how much the dress is and I tell you it doesn't matter. You look amazing in the dress. You hug me and giggle as they put it in the dress bag...
But I know I had the best day with you today...On my recent trips I have been listening to Taylor Swifts CD. Everyone knows the popular songs that are on the radio. There are 2 songs on the CD that mean so much more that any of the other ones put together. The one I am sharing today is called The Best Day. It talks about a daughter with her mother and the days that they have shared. It states that even the simple days can become the best days. The song makes me stop and think about little things that have become great days with Heather. Little did I know that those were the best days with her. The video is of Taylor Swift's childhood. The song is for her mother...

http://www.cmt.com/videos/taylor-swift/377565/the-best-day.jhtml


Going through Heather's things I found a letter that she had written to Reba. It had been returned to her for having the wrong address. It had never been opened, she just put it away in 2002. I opened the letter and it was so good to see her handwriting. As I read the letter it brought me to tears as she was writing about me. So on this weekend when most of the world honors their mothers...I will not be mentioning my gestational unit. Instead I will share how my daughter felt about me as her mother. I had no motherly influence to guide me. I did the the best I knew to be as a mom. What I always wanted a mom to be. It was nice to hear that she really did think me to be the best mom ever.



Shortly after Heather began treatments she came to me and gave
me a card. She told me that this expressed just how much she loved me and what I had done for her the past few weeks. I didn't feel that I did anything super or wonderful. I was simply being a mom. I did what I felt in my heart I had to do. Standing by my Heather and doing the absolute best I could do for her. As terrible as those days were...spending time with Heather and sitting in the hospital would become the best days...
HAPPY MOMY'S DAY...
to all the Momy's who truly understand what a Momy is
Any woman can be a Mother,
But it takes someone super special to be a Momy...