You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think "what's in it for me?"
Or "it's way too far"
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are
This is an email that I received on Thursday, May 27, 2010:
"I was reading the guest book comments from Olivia's page and your caught my eye. I started reading your posts on the caring bridge and your blog. The post about the questions got me (The Question-how many children do I have) I can't tell you I understand what you are going through. I never lost a child. My Kenny passed away last year. He was my husband, but not legally. I just wanted to write that I appreciate your bold honesty on both sites. I feel as though I can never be honest on them and say how angry I am and its just too painful. Because of family I try to write something uplifting but I can never find anything to say uplifting about this nightmare. I agree with you that the outcome is 90/10. 90% of cancer patients die. Olivia was the last one I knew from Texas and CaringBridge and now she is gone. Thank you for your gut wrenching and painful honesty. I find relief that I am not the only one that feels this way...."
Forever loving and missing Kenny~Heather R~
I did not know nor have I ever met this lady...
I did not know nor have I ever met this lady...
It has been recently share with me that Heather has been dead for a year and I should be over this "thing". I have very shocking news for everyone...I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER MY DAUGHTER HEATHER DYING!!!! There I said it. I have been told I am stuck in the bondage of grief and I need to break the chains of bondage to move forward with my life. I have news for everyone again...I will grieve for my daughter for the rest of my life. It will always be in my heart and mind till my dying day. Losing a child is not something you "get over." I can live my life and move forward in very, very small steps, but I will never "get over" this. It is out of the natural order of life and there is nothing like it. I am convinced that no other grief can compare to the mother's loss of a child. If you have not given birth to a child and then had that child die in your arms before your very eyes....YOU DO NOT GET IT!!! The grief of a mother is unlike anything else on the planet. I know this first hand. You can sympathize and you can try to imagine how horrible it might be...but you don't know till you have walked the road I have walked...personally. Knowing someone or being a friend with someone who has lost a child is not the same thing.
Like I stated before, my dear, dear friend and sister, Diane, lost Beka in 1998. I did everything I knew how to do..I called and sent cards. I visited and brought flowers. I listened and cried with her. I thought deep in my heart I got it..I understood just how and what she was feeling. I did to the best of my ability being on the outside looking in. But April 20th, 2009 I realized that I had no freakin idea. I was clueless. I didn't get that as each Sunday came around I would feel a huge sadness as this is the day we were told there was no hope.. Then every Monday for months I felt the death of Heather..because she died on a Monday. Every Saturday I felt restless and out of sorts, because this was her funeral day. I didn't understand that you almost panic at the thought of being with new people for the questions they will ask. How do you answer them. It is just easier to keep to your little safety bubble. I still to this day have a pain in my heart every Monday. I don't know how long till this pain goes away or if it ever does.
I am in no way trashing or bashing my dear peeps. My inner circle of friends. I thank you very much for all you have done for me. I could not have survived without you. I need your support and love, now and for many, many years to come. Even though you have not lost a child, you allow me to talk or be silent, and hug me when I need it. I don't need to explain the tear in my eye at a crazy moment. You come along side and try to understand. You allow me to be me. I can joke and laugh one minute and be in tears the next and I don't have to explain why. For those few people who have allowed themselves to come with me on this journey I will love you forever.
I am hurt and angry for many reasons. There are people who expect me to get over Heather. I am using Heather as an excuse to not attend parties or be with people. Saying that my blog is sick. But mostly for people talking about Heather when they have no idea who she was. They have no idea what I am going through and they have never tried to understand. They stand on the side lines and judge me and the way I am handling the death of my daughter. I understand that they are not worth my time and trouble. But it still hurts to hear those words. I say in my heart that they have no right to speak her name. People do not like to mention her name or have me talk about her. The eerie silence that follows my mention of her name breaks my heart. The day Heather died she simply vanished completely as if she never lived to some. They cannot handle the loss. I am so sorry this is tough for them. Just imagine how difficult it is for me. Heather Nicole Coombe lived...she was amazing...and then she died...and I need to talk about her. I need to share her life and my memories. I need to surround myself with people who allow me to talk and share and do not judge.
Olivia's Mom Cindy explains it in a very good way:
"Grief is like water; you can immerse yourself in it only so long before you have to some up for air. Then, it is a constant downpour, with isolated moments of relief--like driving a car in the rain, it runs all over and around you, but go under a bridge and you have a split second of blissful peace. Then back into the constant downpour."
I have a few more "under the bridge" moments now than I did in the beginning. Last year, I felt like I drove for 1000 miles before I hit a bridge for relief and then it lasted for only a second. Now it feels like driving 995 miles and the bridge lasts for about 5 seconds. But I think this is improvement. Someday, the miles will be less and the bridges will last longer. But not today, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. I had my precious Dolly Girl for 21 years. I loved her, took care of her and shared her life for 21 years, 4 months and 10 days. So, I think it is only fair that I be given at least 21 years, 4 months and 10 days to grieve before anyone begins to ask me if I am over this "thing" yet.
www.cmt.com/videos/tracy-lawrence/160946/fin-out-who-your-friends-are.jhtml
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