HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!
When I bow my head tonight
There'll be no more me, myself and I
Just watch my wife and kids please Lord
That's all I ask for anymore...
Let'em outlive me by a hundred years
Let their laughter dry up all their tears
Let'em love and be loved back like I have been...
Trace Adkins~All I Ask For Anymore
Wendy Oct, 2001
Mother's Day and Father's Day have a whole new meaning to me now. For about as long as I can remember Mother's Day has never been something that I celebrated with joy. I have not been to a Mother's Day church service in many years and really don't plan to attend another one while on this earth. It could be when I was 10 yrs old and my Dad-Jim-took me to the cemetery on Mother's Day to place flowers on JoBeth-my adopted mother's grave...or when I was 12 yrs old and I got a massive staph infection and received 3 days of shots or last year when I gave birth to 3 daughters but only had 2 to celebrate with. The fact that I never have had nor will I ever have a mother? It is hard to understand that in a blink of an eye your life can go from "normal" to changed beyond your imagination. The normal things of life are now so very difficult. You just want to erase the day, but you have other children that need to show you they love you as their mom or dad. It is still one more reminder of the one that is missing.
I shared the story of Olivia-who died a few weeks ago. Olivia would write her jokes and thoughts on her CaringBridge. Oh how I loved to read the words of this amazing 7 year old girl. She had such insight. On this special day I would like to share the conversation between Olivia and her mom on Mother's Day. They were driving to Church. Olivia was asking questions about a mom whose son had just died:
Olivia: "Mama, are you sad for Luke's mama? Is she hurt?"
Mom: Yes, honey. He lives with the Lord now, but a part of
him will always live in her heart. As long as they are apart,
her heart will hurt."
Olivia: "Is that what you call a broken heart?"
Mom: "Yes, sweetie"
Olivia: "What's it look like broken?"
Mom: "It is not something you can see, Liv, the heart is still
working, it means the way you feel inside"
Olivia: "Does love run out when your heart breaks?"
Mom: "I don't know, Liv"
Olivia: "How much love can a heart hold anyway?"
Mom: As much as we let it. A mama's love can not be
measured, it is too big"
She sat quiet for a few minutes and then said:
Olivia: "I think it does leak out. I think that love leaks out and
runs all over everything and everybody. And it does not stop
because there is so much. Sometimes it runs out in crying. And
sometimes it runs out in things mama's do for other people.
That's what I think."
Olivia: Does he miss his mom?"
Mom: "I think so. Kind of like when you are at school or
a friend's house. You're having fun, but sometimes
you miss you mom, don't you?"
Olivia: "Yeah, does it ever stop? The heart hurt, I mean."
Mom: "It will get easier. It will stop hurting when Luke and his
mama are back together again."
Olivia: "And that's in heaven?"
Mom: "Yes maam"
Olivia: " Ok, yeah. That's kind of like getting out of the hospital
forever, and being a family again. Forever and ever.
That will be great!"
Olivia died 2 short weeks after this conversation with her mom. Her mom never realizing that she would be the one grieving the loss of this very insightful little girl. As I read this the other day I sat and cried and cried. These words touched me so deeply. Olivia's amazing thoughts of a broken heart and a mother's love.
I do things to keep Heather close to me. I probably will forever. I need to feel her as close to me as possible. I very seldom take off her cancer journey necklace that she gave me. I usually have it on 24/7 and keep it very close. I wear her perfume, some of her clothes, jackets, her other jewelry and rings. Everything I do on the computer is done on her computer. I have many of her things out all over the house. It is very difficult not to buy things for her. I had done so for 21 years. I see something in a store that moves me to think about her. This week I purchased a webkin stuffed bunny named "Marshmellow". He is so Heather and she would have begged me for him.
As fathers everywhere celebrate today with their children no matter how old or young. Hug them tight and remember the small moments can last a lifetime if they have to. This song by Trace Adkins is a great song about how your value of things change as you you become a parent...take a listen and I hope you feel the same...
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