And we know it's never simple,
Never easy, Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't breathe, without you,
But I have to, breathe, without you,
But I have to...
~Taylor Swift~ Breathe~
I did not realize that over the past year I have surrounded myself with people I feel most comfortable with. I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened that way. These friends continued to call and come see me. We have lunch dates and I feel very at ease with these friends. I feel like I don't have to explain my sudden quiet mood change, the tears that runs down my face at a unusual place in a movie or feel funny about mentioning Heather's name. These friends have become my close inner circle.
I had to make an emergency trip to Iowa to see my Daddy-Harry Blackburn. He was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 weeks ago. This came as a huge blow to me. He is having surgery on Tuesday May 25th. This is my birth father that I found in 2004. We have not had much time together. When I found him I suddenly realized who I am. A version of my father. I suddenly did not feel like a freak. I belonged to someone. We have a very special bond.
Sherry and Daddy~1st meeting January 2005
I was taken out of my comfort zone and placed with people I don't want to be around. I was with my step mother and 2 of my siblings that want nothing to do with me. It was a very, very stressful time for me. I did not feel that I could relax. I certainly did not share much about my feelings or Heather with them. That is reserved for special people only. This made me feel very defensive and I realized then that I really don't want to be with people and meet new people.
I realized that I cannot or at least am not ready to deal with people outside my inner circle. I became panicked when I realized that Wendy's bridal shower is next Saturday. The idea of having people I did not know in my home, looking at my memories and Heather's things was suddenly overwhelming. I guess you could call it a panic attack. It dawned on me that this is my private space and I find it very intrusive. This is when I noticed that I had made myself a private inner circle of friends. The ones I feel most comfortable with. Maybe someday I can go to parties, have parties and not feel panicked by the idea of being out of my comfort zone. But for now, I will keep my inner circle of friends very close and maybe with their help I can breathe again someday..
Christmas 2001
When you lose a child..the simple task of breathing is painful. You suddenly feel like all the air has been sucked out of your lungs. So I am still breathing each day. The best thing I can say is I am still breathing. The 2nd song of Taylor Swift that I want to introduce to you is called "Breathe". It is about a break up...but the words are very true for me right now. I can't breathe, but I have to without her...
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