To be honest there is no one that understands the death of a child better than another mother who has had a child die. The death of parents is hard, but it follows the order of life, even if the mother or father were younger. Nothing about death is fair but the death of a child is beyond unfair. This event takes away the future…future events with that child or with your family being WHOLE. As we are heading into “that time” of the year when life gets hard to breathe; I can’t believe it has been nearly 6 years. So many things have changed in these six years. The one thing that has not changed is I still speak my mind and call a spade a spade.
We all know
that I have no tolerance for “stupid” things said about the death of a child.
The very best thing you can say is “I’m sorry, I don’t know what or say or do, but
I am here!” That is the biggest and best statement that could be uttered from
anyone not having had a child die. Once a child dies, we mothers get bombarded
with the dumbest things ever said. While I know these “friends and family” mean
well, it isn’t good enough for someone else to apologize for their ignorance.
(Ignorance meaning the lack of knowledge or being uninformed) The only way to
become informed is to have your child die, PERIOD! But you don’t have to say
stupid things just because your child has not died.
 |
| Alisha, gone too soon, Tina and Fran-3 generations |
One of my
biggest supporters has asked me very hard question about death and how I am
dealing with things, but it has been because she wanted to understand more
about what it felt like. I appreciate this friend very much and three weeks ago
while I was working I received a horrible text message from her. Alisha, her
granddaughter, had died from a drug overdose, she was 21 years old. In the
blink of an eye, Fran, now knew the beginning what I had been going thru. I
never ever want anyone that I love to endure the pain of having a child or
grandchild die. I went to the visitation to offer support and hug Fran. This is
not something that I do and I only stepped inside and then left within 7
minutes. This is not because I don’t care, it is simply too difficult and
suddenly it hasn’t been nearly 6 years but I am transported to that week of
Heather’s funeral.
For Fran, she has
suddenly been transported into the future no one wants and she is watching her
daughter suffer the greatest loss of her entire being and life. The greatest,
caring people in the world have begun to say the most idiotic things ever.
Comparing the death of Heather to an 85 year old grandmother or to
the death of a dog is simply not acceptable. It is also not acceptable to say
that their child is safe in heaven, we know that! Probably the most
unacceptable thing to say is that cancer or drugs were brought into their life
as a gift from God to get them to heaven! WHAT THE F@%K!!!! This statement
along with “you should be grateful you had her for 21 years,” are a punch in
the face type of statement.
 |
| a very powerful text message |
So words are
something friends and family need to be careful about but so are actions. There
are things you can do and things that you cannot do involving the gravesite of
the child who has died. Of course it is very comforting to know the ones that
have visited and thought about our child. By all means leave flowers, notes or
other weather stable goodies. HOWEVER, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT go and leave
something out of your guilt or some BS kind of gesture. The gravesite of anyone
is scared, PERIOD! The reason why I mention this is because while we were gone for
Heather’s birthday, someone left a flower at her grave. This was not wanted,
not needed nor was it appreciated for the fake gesture of caring and love. I
took the flower off and returned it to the person who did this. I have others
that have texted me and let me know they were going and I have met them out
there. I have no issue with that or the fact that Rose will leave things from
time to time. I know Rose truly misses Heather and does this as a gift to me
when I go out. Wendy has also done the same thing. I like the surprise and then
I try to contact the person that left the item. I have never for one moment
regretted burying Heather’s ashes till that moment. I felt violated and I wanted
to retreat and bring Heather back to the house where I could keep her from people
playing games.
As we are into
March already and next week is the beginning of the end, I can’t help but be
moody and sad and miss Heather all the more. In 6 years our family added two
son-in-laws, and a new granddaughter. I have worked two job and we have nearly
finished flooring the house. Life moves forward as it should but it still doesn’t
mean that Heather isn’t right here on my mind every single day. Maybe not every
second like she was in the beginning but for sure every 5-10 seconds. There isn’t
a holiday or event that goes by without her absence being noticed at least by
me. I would say 80% of all our friends and acquaintances have left because they
couldn’t handle us not being able to “let go” and “move on.” I honestly think
that we have done an amazing job at living life without Heather and it is their
loss not mine. The only family that we have is our immediately family, meaning
Jenn and Wendy and their families. Family, I am finding is just as it always
has been, judgmental and condescending towards our family in particular.
Nothing we have ever done has been good enough and our family has been held to
an unacceptable accountability. In the end again it is their loss, I just choose
not to allow them to hurt me or my family any longer.
“You don't get to
choose if you get hurt in this world...
but you do have some
say in who hurts you. I like my choices.”
~John Green~The Fault
in Our Stars
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