A Broken Heart...Really...

“Without pain, how could we know joy?' This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering and its stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries; but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not, in any way, affect the taste of chocolate.”

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor for the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, whether through death, divorce, breakup, separation, betrayal, or romantic rejection. Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a family member or spouse, though losing a parent, sibling, child, pet, lover or close friend can all "break one's heart," and it is frequently experienced during grief and bereavement. The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss, although it also by extension includes the emotional trauma of loss even where it is not experienced as somatic pain. Although "heartbreak" ordinarily does not imply any physical defect in the heart, there is a condition known as "Takotsubo cardiomyopathy" (broken heart syndrome), where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as transient apical ballooning syndrome and stress cardiomyopathy is a type of non-ischemic cardiomyopathy in which there is a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart. Because this weakening can be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or constant anxiety, it is also known as broken-heart syndrome. Stress cardiomyopathy is a well-recognized cause of acute heart failure, lethal ventricular arrhythmias, and ventricular rupture

They say no one ever died from a broken heart but that is simply not true. As stated above there is now a heart condition that can happen from too much stress or PTSD from the death of a loved one. We have all seen this as a beloved spouse died and then shortly afterwards the surviving spouse dies. (Nowhere does it say make yourself happy and get a new spouse a few weeks later so you cannot feel the pain) The pain is there for a reason; the reason is LOVE and with LOVE comes heartbreak. This is a pain that is to be felt, not ignored. It has to be dealt with or your life will not really be anything close to the new normal. Grief work is hard work and no one ever said I hope my loved one dies so I can do some grief work. Usually this work is thrust upon us and we are not ready, willing or able to cope with the death and what it means to our future.

There is no such thing as replaceable people, however; Your dad or mom can get remarried and there is now a step mom or dad and you can also remarry and have a new husband or wife. When you write your address you can once again be Mr and Mrs. Of course having a child die is totally different. There is no one that can replace that child, even if you have another child. You then have a new son or daughter but the title will still belong to that child that died. This has been enough for acquaintances to fight me that I was saying that their spouse was replaceable. Let me say for 100% clarity THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A REPLACEABLE PERSON!

In the nearly 6 years that I have been surviving without Heather I have come to realize that having a child die at any age is the toughest type of grief possible. Sorry, if you have not had a child die, then you don’t know this pain. It is unimaginable. My beloved Daddy, Jim, died in 1990 and at the time I could not imagine any pain that would be worse than that. When Bill’s mom, Margaret, died, I thought that was horrible. Then for the few hours that we dealt with the death of Bill’s beloved brother-in-law; because a couple hours after hearing that Rusty had died, we learned that Heather would die soon. In our life, the death of our daughter overshadowed the death of Rusty. That is very sad and hard to say, but it is the truth.

Nothing about my life is the same, and the life I once had is gone, as it died the day Heather did. The day cancer entered my world was the day my life changed forever. How naïve I was that if remission happened everything would be okay. After Heather was in remission I thought the hardest days of my life were over. The first days of dealing with cancer we thought Heather might die and we thought we were prepared for it, or so we. But the last weeks I would actually gladly give back not to have the memories and the PTSD that goes with the last 33 days of her life. The end came as unexpected as birth did, guess I should not have been surprised.

What I am surprised at is how I still feel and the memories of the days and dates still haunt me this time of year. I don’t think that the passing of time will make these memories fade. There are many life changing events that I remember with great clarity even 40 years. The death of Jo Beth, my wedding, the births of my three daughters, the death of my daddy and the death of my mother-in-law. Of course the cancer and death of Heather trumps everything that has ever happened in my life. No event will ever be greater unless heaven forbid I have another child or a grandchild die. There are days that I wonder how I function. Sunday, March 15^th, today, was one of those days. As the afternoon got later I began to feel the haunting memory of Heather not being able to breath and taking her to the hospital…and so the beginning of my nightmarish end. The end that leads to April 20^th. Last year was different because it was the 5^th anniversary and then it also was Easter Sunday. This year all the days fall the same days and dates as they did in 2009. No it isn’t any easier.

I don’t think that this time of year will ever be any easier as my time with Heather in ICU was much more than my words could ever explain. I think only the people who came to the hospital to see Heather even begin to have an understanding as to what I endured those 33 days. It will never be the same, it will never go away and that is okay. I can’t make them go away and I cannot make my mind and body pretend that this time is easy. I have felt sick and tired, more so than normal. I know that my body knows what my mind is trying to suppress. I made promises to Heather that I would keep going and living and keep her memory alive. SO far I think I have done a good job of keeping my promise…even though they are the hardest I have ever made…

Our last photo, Monday, March 16th, 2009

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”

~The Fault in our Stars