Night...........

NIGHT:

 or nighttime is the period of time when the sun is below the horizon. The opposite of night is day. At any given time, one side of the planet Earth is bathed in light from the Sun (the daytime) and the other side of the Earth is in the shadow caused by the Earth blocking the light of the sun. This shadow is what we call the darkness of night.

The disappearance of sunlight, the primary energy source for life on Earth, has dramatic impacts on the morphology, physiology and behavior of almost every organism. Some animals sleep during the night, while other nocturnal animals including moths and crickets are active during this time.

Night is often associated with danger and evil, because of the psychological connection of night's all-encompassing darkness to the fear of the unknown and darkness's obstruction of a major sensory system (the sense of sight).

In the green room

There was a telephone 

And a red balloon

and a picture of--

The cow jumping over the moon

And there were 3 little bears sitting on chairs

And 2 little kittens

And a pair of mittens

And a little toyhouse

And a young mouse

And a comb and a brush

And a bowl full of mush

And a quiet old lady

who was whispering  "hush  "...

During the day my mind has lots of things to keep my thoughts from going to places I do not want it to go to. But...NIGHT time is totally different. When I first came home from ICU I had to sleep with 3 night lights on. I am happy to say that I am down to 2 night lights now. I have to have a fan running at all times; during the day and NIGHT. The silence is deafening to me.Then when Heather died I hated the NIGHT (still do for the most part). I know that nothing is there at NIGHT that isn't there during the day. There was something about the NIGHT...the dark...the quiet...that haunts my mind. I would stay up till 2 and 3 in the morning because I could not bare to close my eyes. I slept with movie soundtrack music for about a year after Heather died. Now I can listen to books again. I have to have the sound of something to go to sleep with or my mind will wonder into places I do not want to go. I used to sleep in a totally dark room with no noise. I am not sure I will ever be able to sleep in darkness and silence again.

I still take Ambien sleeping medication. I may take it for the rest of my life. Talk to any doctor and they will tell you that sleep is the best medicine you can give yourself. I will not apologize for my use of sleeping aids. I require them like someone would require blood pressure medication or glasses to see. I am not addicted as I still take half a pill like I have for the past 3 years. In taking the Ambien I am able to sleep fairly good and I rarely dream which is a good thing. I have been able to have a couple good dreams about Heather but mostly if I dream, they are horrible nightmares about all that happened to her. The good thing is that the "visits" I get from Heather break thru no matter what. I have had one amazing visit with Heather and then one that was just a hug. But these are very different than dreams. Bill has had a "visit" as well. he tells me they are very different from dreams.

A happy moment~waiting for Harry Potter

A friend of mine recently lost her dad. She said as hard as it was to let go, she needed it to be over. She said she could not have done hospitals, nursing homes, hospice and ICU for days, weeks or months. I agree with her. I have 33 days of hospital and ICU that creep into my mind, especially at NIGHT. NIGHT time for Heather during treatments and ICU were always the worst time for her. All her bad thoughts and nightmares happened at NIGHT. As I sat there and watched her fail more each day the memories were etched into my photographic memory forever. Everything that happened the last 33 days are the demons that haunt my NIGHTS and my quiet moments. Everyone says, "Dwell on the good memories"...that is easy to say, but hard to tell my mind and heart to do.

One of the books series that I listen to all the time at NIGHT is Harry Potter. I love listening to Jim Dale perform these books. When Jenn reads the books she cries when Dumbledore dies. But when she listened to the 7th book with me she said hearing the part where Dobby dies is more emotional. I have listened to book 7 about 5 times. The part in book 7 when Harry gets the resurrection stone and the spirits of his loved ones come to help him has always been a moving part for me. However...seeing this played out on the big screen is totally different. Watch the part where Harry goes to die as if your child has died and you are the parent. I began crying when Harry asked Sirius if it hurts to die. All I can think of is did it hurt? Heather was heavily sedated but still....there are questions. Then when Harry asks if his loved ones if they will go with him and stay with him till it is over, and his mother says ALWAYS. I picture myself laying next to Heather and talking to her as she died. I did stay with her always and helped her go as  it was my job to do. I did this without tears or tremble in my voice. This part of the movie hits way way too close to home.

 Violet has begun to ask about her Aunt Missy. We tell her that Aunt Missy is with Jesus or that she is sleeping. She knows who she is in photos, calls her by name and then asks where she is. This morning Pea told her momma that she needed to go wake up Aunt Missy and play with her. I know that Heather would love being with Pea now. She has such personality and pea would have been her Aunt Missy's shadow. It is terribly sad that Pea's birthday years will be connected with the number of years that her Aunt Missy has been gone. I think it only fair to end with the rest of one of Pea's favorite books. Pea is actually beginning to "read" this book. She has it memorized....

...Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

Goodnight light and the red balloon

Goodnight bears

Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens

And goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks 

And goodnight socks

Goodnight little house

And goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb

And goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody

Goodnight mush

And goodnight to the old lady

whispering "hush  "

Goodnight stars

Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere...