I have the right to talk about my grief.
Talking about my grief will help me heal.
I need others who will allow me to talk as much as I want,
as often as I want, about my grief.
If at times I don't feel like talking,
I have the right to remain silent.
I love the movie Rabbit Hole. If I had my way I would give a copy of this movie to everyone I know. I feel this is an honest look at what a grieving parent goes through. The basis of the movie is that Becca (Nicole Kidman) and Howie (Aaron Eckhart) Corbett are a happily married couple whose perfect world is forever changed when their young son, Danny, is killed by a car. Becca, an executive-turned-stay-at-home mother, tries to redefine her existence in a surreal landscape of well-meaning family and friends. Painful, poignant, and often funny, Becca's experiences lead her to find solace in a mysterious relationship with a troubled young comic-book artist, Jason - the teenage driver of the car that killed their son, Danny.
There are things in life that change us and, once we experience them, there's no going back. If we were to travel through time and meet the individuals we once were, it would be like encountering other people. Having a child may be the most transformative experience a person can live through. Losing that child is a close second. Parents invest so much into the care, nurturing, and upbringing of their offspring that, if the child dies, the resulting chasm seems bottomless. Life cannot be what it once was. Death is not a time machine that allows us to return to the carefree days of pre-parenthood. It's a wound that cuts deeply and leaves a scar. It shakes the foundations of even the sturdiest marriages. People react differently to tragedy and, in the midst of grief, a mutual sense of intolerance can create a gap that can be intimidating to span. Many marriages collapse after the death of a child. Watching Becca and Howie, it's not hard to understand why this is the case.
The movie is not about Danny's death. With the one exception, the narrative is flashback-free, remaining in the present and advancing linearly. This is about the difficulty of recovery even months after the fact. Many people ascribe a time table to grief but its impact can be so subtle and pernicious that it continues to eat at the soul long after its most obvious effects have faded. Rabbit Hole is about how the enormity of the loss of a child short-circuits everything, reducing life's colors to grays and the experience of living to a chore.
There are things in life that change us and, once we experience them, there's no going back. If we were to travel through time and meet the individuals we once were, it would be like encountering other people. Having a child may be the most transformative experience a person can live through. Losing that child is a close second. Parents invest so much into the care, nurturing, and upbringing of their offspring that, if the child dies, the resulting chasm seems bottomless. Life cannot be what it once was. Death is not a time machine that allows us to return to the carefree days of pre-parenthood. It's a wound that cuts deeply and leaves a scar. It shakes the foundations of even the sturdiest marriages. People react differently to tragedy and, in the midst of grief, a mutual sense of intolerance can create a gap that can be intimidating to span. Many marriages collapse after the death of a child. Watching Becca and Howie, it's not hard to understand why this is the case.
The movie is not about Danny's death. With the one exception, the narrative is flashback-free, remaining in the present and advancing linearly. This is about the difficulty of recovery even months after the fact. Many people ascribe a time table to grief but its impact can be so subtle and pernicious that it continues to eat at the soul long after its most obvious effects have faded. Rabbit Hole is about how the enormity of the loss of a child short-circuits everything, reducing life's colors to grays and the experience of living to a chore.
A scene in the first part of the movie is a conversation about why Becca's best friend Debbie hasn't called her. I find that people in my world avoid me like I have the plague. It is too difficult for them to think about the thought of losing a child, their child. So it is easier for them to avoid talking to me. People can talk to Jenn, Wendy and Bill, but to talk to the mother of the child is much more scary. I remember when Diane lost Beka that people at events would come ask me if they could talk to Diane today. Grieving mothers are not contagious, we do not burst into tears at the drop of a hat, we do not drool and slur our words and we certainly won't mention the dreaded name of our child until we feel that you are comfortable with it. Being a grieving mother has given me another sense. I can sense who I can and cannot mention the H-BOMB with now. I have 3 really close friends that I can cry with at the drop of a hat and can talk about Heather as long and as much as I want to. I find a comfort with them that is beyond anything I can put into words.
My dear friend Diane is visiting her family for a couple weeks. We have talked on the phone just about every week. It is not the fact that we saw each other that much when she was here. It was just the fact that if she needed me or I needed her we would be right there. It was so incredibly good to sit and talk with her. There is just simply a bond that we share that I cannot share with anyone who has not lost a child. She "gets it" and I "get it" now. While I was visiting with Diane, I saw her granddaughter. Diane asked if she remembered me and told her I was Heather's mom,etc...and Emma suddenly ran to her special box to get something. She brought out the pink/black Are U Pink bracelet. It brought tears to my eyes. This precious child had never met or seen Heather and yet she kept her bracelet as a treasure.
We are at another holiday. The 4th of July in 2008 was spent at Banner Baywood. I remember it because when Bill came to the hospital he has a red, white and blue stars balloon. It was 3 balloons connected into one big one. I tried as hard as I could to make the boring hospital room as cheery and homey as I could. Doctors and nurses always commented about how wonderful it was to walk into her room and see everything. All the photos, letters, cards and drawings. I know the hospital had a barbeque in honor of the 4th. As bad as that 4th of July was I would give anything to be back in the hospital with Heather instead of where we are today....missing my girl today and always...
This photo was taken on July 3, 2008. This is one of my favorite photos of cancer....This was right before one of Heather's spinal chemos. She looks very relaxed as she knows that Jan and Dr. Chris will be there to make sure it is done right.
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