Broken Promises........

(After they have set all the clocks in the clock shop to strike noon at the same time) 

Molly: Now we wait.

Mr. Magoruim: No! We breathe! 

We pulse! 

We regenerate! 

Our hearts beat! 

Our minds create! 

Our souls injest! 

37 seconds, if well used, is a lifetime.

~Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium~

We saw this movie in the fall of 2007. Heather loved Natalie Portman. The character Natalie plays is Molly, a struggling pianist. Heather loved the way she played the invisible air piano with her hands when she was walking or riding the bus. The soundtrack for this movie is incredible. It is just a good fun movie. Yes, it has magic, but life is so ugly, can't we for 2 hours believe in fantasy.

We knew Heather had cancer before the actual doctor's appointment with Dr. Fastenberg. I had planned so many things to keep Heather's spirits up. One of the things that Heather wanted to do the most was to go back and visit Colorado Springs. She wanted to see all the places where we lived and shopped. Mostly she wanted to visit people. She wanted to see her Sally and George, Connie, Shawnee, DJ, The Mattson's, The Walter's and many more of the people who still live in Colorado Springs. I had promised that at least once we would go back during one of her down times from chemo. Once we left Dr. Fastenberg's office I knew that these trips would not be possible. One promise I did not keep for Heather.

During our hospital stays, late at night, Heather had her bad moments. The moments when she thought she would die. Or the time when she thought she would not go to heaven because she had not had time to pray during all the testing. I would sit on her bed, looking at her and try to convince her that she was going to live and be okay. Deep down inside I did not know this to be true. But I put my best face on and tried not to burst into tears when I talked to her. Looking at the tears and fear in her eyes took all the strength I had not to grab her tightly and sob uncontrollably. Being strong at terrible moments is what I am good at. I never once cried when I spoke to Heather. I never ever let her see the fear in my face during any of her cancer battle or final struggle. I have been told I am the strongest woman on the planet...I just simply did what a mother who loves her child more than herself would do.

During one such breakdown moment, I told Heather that when she got out of the hospital and felt up to it, I would make plans to go and do "TRISCADECAPHOBIA". This is the part in the movie, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium where Molly does all the things in the world she can think of with Mr. Magorium because he is going to die. So, at the count of 3 they are going to jump on mattresses in the mattress store. Mr. Magorium asks why the number 3...why not jump at "TRISCADECAPHOBIA?" So with that they both yell "TRISCADECAPHOBIA" and begin jumping on the mattresses. I promised Heather that when she felt good enough, I would go to the mattress store, explain the situation and ask if we could "TRISCADECAPHOBIA." Due to everything that happened during the months of chemo and Heather not feeling good, we never did "TRISCADECAPHOBIA." Just so you know "TRISCADECAPHOBIA" is actually the fear of the number 13. One promise I did not keep for Heather.

 

After Heather was finished with treatments we learned in our community about a teenager name Saulo. Saulo needed a life saving bone marrow transplant and they could not find a donor. He had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia the same as Heather had. She began following his CaringBridge page and so did I. In November, Saulo became immune compromised, he had pneumonia was in ICU and was on a vent. Saulo died right after Thanksgiving. One night when Heather was in ICU, on the bi-pap machine, she was having a bad night and asked me through her tears if she was going to die like Saulo. I held back the tears in my throat as I nearly yelled at her, "NO!! I promise! You are NOT going to end up like Saulo. You are doing just fine and you are going to be ok!" a night or two later, Heather was placed on the vent and then she died. One promise I did not keep for Heather.

These may sound crazy or nuts that I feel this way. These are all things that are out of my control. But yet as a grieving mother, I do feel this way. I feel that even thought I did my very best, I still let Heather down. I think that all grieving parents feel this way. For some strange reason this week has just been a terrible week. I have missed Heather more this week than I have in months. I am not sleeping even though I am taking sleeping pills. The memories and dreams are beyond what the medication can do. She is every waking moment and I am not sure why right now. I spoke with another grieving mother today-her daughter was killed 4 years ago-and she said she feels like it is not better today than it was then. She told me she still has times when uncontrollable tears some. 

I feel a great sense of pride, accomplishment and moving forward with going to school this fall. It seems so small to most all of the kids that will be coming in the fall who don't really want to be there. I feel like I am the first woman to ever go to college. I want to yell it from the roof tops and tell everyone what I am doing. My dream became every better when I found out the MD Anderson is beginning their Health and Wellness program soon. Not that I can apply, but I really see myself working there in a few years. I know that Heather would be proud and thrilled for me. I could see her already planning my graduation party. She will be with me every step of the way. She really is the drive behind what I am doing. I will be proud to work with the cancer patients that are fighting so hard and in honor of Heather.

Thank you for listening and supporting me. So many people have disappeared and I don't blame them. Well, actually I do blame them....I found out who my friends are for sure. I know looking and sharing the pain is not easy. I appreciate each one of you who takes the time to read. It means you think about me and you think about Heather. For that I am thankful....