Why Is Losing A Child So Different???...

I noticed during this last holiday, Father's Day, that on FaceBook everyone that had lost their Dad was making memorial tributes to them. Many had comments like.. " I still miss your Dad" or "Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and smile"...and the list goes on. Many of these Dad's have been gone for years. How come daughters and sons can post how much they miss their Dad or Mom and every one is fine with that. Everyone states that they sympathize with what they are dealing with. My question is why can you miss a spouse or a parent for many years and post about them, but I am seen as a nut that I cannot get over the loss of my daughter. I make posts and it goes into the dead zone. No, I am not looking for everyone to leave comments and say things. Yes, it goes against the natural order of things and no one really wants to hear about it. Face it...no one wants to hear how difficult this is because it might make them hurt or cry. It is too difficult to think about losing a child.

Bill with his mom

Bill and I both have lost a parents. Losing a child is nothing like losing a parent. Bill's mom, Margaret, died in Oct 2004. Yes, I remember the morning very well. I was with her when she died. I stroked her hand and told her everyone would be ok. We would take care of things and she could go home. I remember everything about the last few hours I spent with her. Every time her birthday comes along and the day she dies I think about what the day is. Bill stated that losing his mom was hard...but nothing like losing Heather. Losing his mom hurt 100%..losing Heather hurts 100,000,000,000% more.

Heather with Grandma Coombe May 2004

I was 9 years old when my adopted mother, JoBeth, died. She had a massive stroke and was lying in the bedroom floor for hours before we could get a doctor there. This was when malpractice insurance was sky high and doctors didn't make house calls anymore and before 911..She has been gone for 35yrs and I still remember the events that happened. Yes, I have gotten over this because she was a very cruel woman and at the time I was glad to have her out of my life. The truth is hard to hear, but how I feel. I was set free from bondage when she died. I to this day have no feeling for her at all.

Sherry with Daddy Jim~10th Birthday~1975

My adopted Dad, Jim, died when I was 7 months pregnant with Wendy. This was a very difficult loss for me. He was my best friend growing up. He was my Daddy. That is why it took me 14 yrs to find my birth father, Harry. Out of respect and the fact that I didn't want to replace him. I was not there when Jim died. Looking back it was better that I was not there. I would not have been able to handle it with being pregnant with Wendy. Yes, even though I have found my "real" father. I still think of Jim and remember the day he died and his birthday. The amazing news is I get to someday go through this with my Daddy, Harry. One of the biggest reasons why I waited. How do I go through the whole thing of losing a dad again? Especially when Daddy and I are 2 peas in a pod..we are just alike. He explains why I am the way I am..carbon copy. This will be a very difficult loss for me someday.

Grandpa Harry with Heather~Jan 2005

I tell you this because I do know the pain of losing a parent. And I will tell you, the death of Heather, my daughter, does not even go into the same ballpark. It is not comprehensible to begin to explain the hurt and pain of one day your child is there..and the next your child is gone forever. Along with all your hopes and dreams and future with that child. Their wedding day, future children and all the fun family times to be had for many many years to come. In one moment, everything is gone. You cannot hold your child or listen to their voice. Life as I knew it is gone, changed forever and my future with her in my life is gone forever as well.

  Bill with Heather~Red Lobster~2006

Heather and I had a very special relationship before she got cancer, but when the"C" word entered our life we were not only mother/daughter but put into protector at all costs/innocent, unable to fight, co-conspirators and the closest and best friends. We had to lean on each other because together we were the only stable part of our ever changing and crazy daily life. In a single moment I lost my daughter, my friend, my "job", my confidante and the single reason to get up each morning. Cancer kids and their caregiver have a special bond that wouldn't otherwise exist. I had Heather for 21 yrs...For the last year she was here, I fought doctors and nurses, wrote down nearly every word that was said, have mounds of test results and put myself last to see that her every need, want or desire was met. This is not even mentioning all the procedures I held her hand through or nights of sleeping in her hospital bed because she would not sleep alone. It is not just simply that my daughter died, but all the things that led up to it.

Panoramic photo of Heather and me in her decorated room..I put things up 

all over the walls..High Dynamic adjustments to photo

One of my best co-conspirators moments is...Heather always wanted to run away when she was in the hospital. She lived for the very few times she was unhooked from the IV pole. We would go into the cafeteria and she could get whatever she wanted. (Patients are not allowed in the cafeteria due to food restrictions and the workers not knowing) On one such unhooked occasion, she so wanted ice cream. There was a Dairy Queen at the end of the hospital driveway. So, she put on her jacket, we told the nurses we were going for a walk and went to DQ for blizzards. It was the best time ever. Yes, we broke the rules...but what did it hurt now? Nothing and it is a great memory for me. Now patients are allowed down at DQ so they can smoke..go figure..